possible, because it is the most accurate and respectful term and is gender neutral.
I also use the terms infidelity and unfaithful in this book. Both of them describe cheating behavior and/or sex outside of marriage, and they involve a person betraying his or her spouse and the marriage vows they took. I do not get into specifics regarding what constitutes infidelity (intercourse, oral sex, cybersex, phone sex, and so on). Suffice it to say that there is a person in the triangle — the spouse — who is betrayed by the intimate involvement of a third party (you). Again, these terms are meant to create clear written communication and comprehension in this book.
Is the man entirely to blame for the predicament you are in with him? It is more important to remember that you can’t control his behavior; you can only control yours. Despite this, it is worth taking a look at such men, as well. So, what are the psychological underpinnings of men who are emotionally unavailable? In chapter 2, I profile these men so you will know what “type” you are dealing with. I divide them into multiple general categories, though a given man may fit into more than one. Some examples of these are the Sociopath, the Narcissist, the Player, the Tortured Soul, the Addict, and the Opportunist, and I fully describe them, along with their typical behaviors.
As we journey into this area, I answer several questions that you may have asked yourself: Just what kind of person does hurtful things to others? What kind of person says he loves you but mistreats you? Why would someone string you along like this? What kind of person lingers endlessly among multiple relationships? In chapter 2, I address these questions and more.
Chapter 3 explores specifically what is going on with the married cheater and his wife. Is what he’s telling you about her true? You might be shocked if you heard her perspective on him. I have yet to see a distressed couple in my office looking for counseling and find that they both have the exact same assessment of their life together. Most of the time, the viewpoints are vastly different. This doesn’t mean that either is wrong or right; it just means that all humans interpret events differently. In your relationship, you hear only one side, and you hear it over and over, and it’s his side. His side is not the ultimate truth; it’s precisely what the term says: his side.
So, once you have decided how to handle your emotionally unavailable partner, it may be time to move on. There are all sorts of ways to “leave your lover.” Many songs have been written about it. But what is the best way to leave an unavailable or married man that you are in love with and that you have had a relationship with for a long time? Should you “cold-turkey” it? Ghost him? Should you gradually see him less and less? Or maybe you should just start dating other men and hope you fall in love with someone who is available. These are all possible options; we’ll look at which is best.
In chapters 4 and 5, rather than try to pin the blame on the men, we delve into why you may have a pattern of involvement with these types. Insights into the “whys” of getting involved with unavailable men most readily derive from your family of origin. They can also come from other life experiences and early romantic relationships. Attachment science provides a lot of information about how our early relationships with primary caregivers (such as our parents) create a blueprint for our behavior in future adult romantic relationships. We’ll look at this in detail in chapter 5. Suffice it to say that you need to understand your “wiring” in order to “rewire” yourself.
Throughout the remainder of the book, you will also need to face some harsh truths about yourself. You may be behaving dysfunctionally. Dysfunctional in this context means “unhealthy or abnormal in relation to others.” You are deviating from the norm. You have your own demons to face. You may be drawn to drama, you may have an underlying mental health problem, you might fear intimacy or commitment, or you may have what is known in the addiction arena as codependency. There are numerous reasons you might be content with, or putting up with, such circumstances. Although this book is not about making a moral judgment about you, knowing your core values and having a strong moral compass can help guide you in the right direction.
We will also talk about love throughout the book. It’s one of the most powerful emotions in the world. No matter how much logic I impart to you, it will be painfully difficult to ignore or change your feelings of love for the person you may now be involved with. That is why I will help you understand the science of love, neurobiology, and attachment. You must also understand what an unhealthy or toxic love is, and what a safe, secure version of love is.
After exploring how and why you find yourself in unhealthy relationships, you may decide to get out of the one you are in. You may feel firm about doing so, or you may have some degree of ambivalence. These are typical reactions. Perhaps you will find you need to reread the first half of the book several times and even get professional support in order to truly grasp why you should get out. In later chapters, we will look at how you should get out and ways to move on with your life. If you are currently in between relationships, you will learn how to quickly identify whether a potential relationship or partner is healthy. If it, or he, is unhealthy, you will know what to do for self-preservation in order to move on to someone healthy.
I take a strong stance in this book. I do not entertain the idea of staying in toxic circumstances, nor do I discuss strategies to help you cope with an unavailable partner. This book is for the individual who is contemplating getting out of a relationship or who has already decided to get out but is having trouble doing so. This book is also for the individual who is looking for love but continually finds herself in a repetitive pattern when dating. It’s not in your best interest to hold out hope for someone playing games with your heart. You deserve better. You deserve a fulfilled life that includes a loving and responsive partner. Instead of being ghosted or breadcrumbed, you can find a person who is reliable, consistent, and honest and who has an open heart for intimacy.
This book is written for any woman struggling with dating and relationships. The examples and case vignettes in this book are real, though I’ve changed names and altered some unimportant details to maintain confidentiality. The people and situations described are from client experiences, letters I’ve received, friends or acquaintances I have spoken with, and stories described in social media and blog posts. Many of them are a composite of painful stories I have heard, and I’ve even included some of my own. The common thread is that each of the women in these stories is involved with an emotionally unavailable man.
No other available book on this topic is so clearly directed at aiding you in moving on from bad relationships. I purposely do not entertain the option of sticking it out while you hope and pray that your guy will change. I do not believe you should take this gamble with your life. No other book goes as deeply into the psychology of why you get into such relationships in the first place, to help you gain the clarity and confidence necessary to move on for good. A clear and concise plan for moving forward makes it possible for you to do so with strength and courage.
This book is intended to help you on your journey to finding real and lasting love. You are unlikely to find it in the arms of a man who plays games with your heart or is married to someone else. I write this book with compassion for you, given your situation. I truthfully know from working with thousands of people as a helping professional, as well as from my own life experience, that you can find yourself in a painful relationship or alone, wishing you had someone special in your life. Sometimes this happens by sheer chance, at times through poor decision-making, and other times through a combination of the two. Regardless, you can develop the insight, strength, and skills to make constructive and healthy changes that will provide you with the happy and bright future you deserve.
My intention for this book is to offer you the combined comforts of a loving mother, supportive
