simple curiosity to know something about those, whom I instinctively feltwere made differently from myself. What sort of a hole could it be I
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wondered. Was it large? Was it round? Why did they squat instead of stand up, like men, my curiosity became intense.
How long after this the following took place, I can't say, but my cock was bigger. I have that impression very distinctly.
One day, there were people in one of the sitting rooms, where my mother and father were I don't know; they were not in the room, and were most likely out. There were one or two of my cousins, some youths, my big sister and one brother, besides others, our governess, and her sister,
who was stopping with us, and sleeping in the same room with her. I recollect both going into the bed room together, it was next to mine. It was evening, we had sweet wine, cake, and snap-dragon, and played at something, at which all sat in a circle on the floor. I was very ticklish, it nearly sent me into fits, we tickled each other on the
floor. There was much fun, and noise, the governess tickled me, and I
tickled her. She said as I was taken to bed, or rather went, as I then
did by myself, "I'll go and tickle you." Now at that time when in bed, a servant, or my mother, or the governess took away the light, and closed the door; for I was still frightened to get into bed in the dark, and
used to call out, "Mamma, I'm going to get into bed." Then they fetched
the light, they wished to stop this timidity, often scolded me about it, and made me undress myself, by myself, to cure me of it.
I expect the other children had been put to bed. My mother keeping all the younger ones in the room near her. The nursery was also upstairs, my room, as said, was next to the governess.
When in bed, I called out for some one to put out the light, up came the
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governess and her sister. She began to tickle me, so did her sister,
I laughed, screeched, and tried to tickle them. One of them closed the door and then came back to tickle me. I kicked all the clothes off, and was nearly naked, I begged them to desist, felt their hands on my naked flesh, and am quite sure, that one of them touched my prick more than once, though it might have been done accidentally. At last I wriggled
off the bed, my nightgown up to my armpits, and dropped with my naked bum on to the floor, whilst they tickled me still, and laughed at my wriggling about, and yelling.
Then what induced me, heaven alone knows; it may have been what I had heard about the piddling-hole of a woman, or curiosity, or instinct, I
don't know; but I caught hold of the governess' leg as she was trying to get me up on to the bed again, saying, "that will do, my dear boy, get into bed, and let me take away the light." I would not; the other lady
helped to lift me, I pushed my hands up the petticoats of the governess, felt the hair of her cunt, and that there was something warm, and moist, between her thighs. She let me drop on to the floor, and jumped away from me. I must have been clinging to her thigh, with both hands up her petticoats, and one between her thighs, she cried out loudly--oh!
Then slap-slap-slap, in quick succession, came her hand against my head,
"You...rude...bad...boy," said she slapping me at each word, "I've a
good mind to tell your mamma, get into bed this instant," and into bed I got without a word. She blew out the light, and left the room with her sister, leaving me in a dreadful funk. I scarcely knew that I had done wrong, yet had some vague notion, that feeling about her thighs was punishable; the soft hairy place my hand had touched, impressed me with wonder, I kept thinking there was no cock there, and felt a sort of
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delight at what I had done.
I heard them then talking, and laughing loudly, thru the partition.
"They are talking about me, oh if they tell mamma, oh! what did I do it for?" Trembling with fear, I jumped out of bed, opened my door, and went to theirs listening; theirs was ajar,--heard: "right up between my thighs, felt it! he must have felt it; ah! ah! ah! would you ever
have thought the little beast would have done such a thing." They both laughed heartily. "Did you see his little thing?" said one. "Shut the
door, it's not shut;"--breathless I got back to my room, and into bed, and laying there, heard them through the partition roaring with laughter again.
That is the first time in my life, I recollect passing an all but
sleepless night. The dread of being told about, and dread at what I
had done, kept me awake. I heard the two women talking for a long time. Mixed with my dread was a wonder at the hair, and the soft, moist feel,
I had had for an instant, on some part of my hand. I knew I had felt the hidden part of a female, where the piddle came from, and that is all
I did think about it, that I know of, I have no recollection of a lewd sensation, but of a curious sort of delight only.
It must have been from this time, that my curiosity about the female form strengthened, but there was nothing sensual in it. I was fond of kissing, for my mother remarked it; when a female cousin, or any female kissed me, I would throw my arms round them, and keep on kissing. My aunts used to laugh, my mother corrected me, and told me it was rude. I used to say to the servants, kiss me. One day I heard my godfather say:
"Walter knows a pretty girl from an ugly one doesn't he?"
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I had a dread of meeting the governess, at breakfast, watched her, and saw her laugh at her sister, I watched my mother for some days after,
and at length said to the governess, who had punished me for something.
"Don't tell mamma." "I have nothing to tell about, Walter," she
replied, "and don't know what you mean." I began to tell her what was on my mind. "What's the child talking about, you are dreaming, some stupid boy has been putting things into your head, your papa will thrash
you, if you talk like that." "Why you came and tickled me," said I. "I
tickled you a little when I put your light out," said she, "be quiet."
I felt stupified, and suppose the affair must have passed away from
my mind for a time, but I told my cousin Fred about it afterwards. He thought I must have been dreaming, and I began to wonder if it really had occurred, I never thought much about it until I began to recall my childhood for this history.
I must have been twelve years old, when I went to an uncle's in Surrey, and became a close friend of my cousin Fred, a very devil from his
cradle, and of whom much more will be told: before then I had only seen him at intervals. We were then allowed, and it seems to me not before
that time, to go out by ourselves. We talked boyish baudiness. "Ain't you green," said he, "a girl's hole isn't called a cock, it's a cunt,
