knows that León never flunked anything and that this pointing is just León’s theatrical way of enumerating the missing clerk desks, reception desks, oak chairs, tin chairs, white paper, brown paper, air fresheners, copy machines, washing machines, phone lines, phone cords, everything that was carried away by the friends and family of El Loco. Except the rolltop. That’d been too heavy to haul. Everyone had seen the looted palace on television. And yet to most people the images of the sacked rooms had not seemed surreal or incredibly despairing but funny. Everyone’s saying that they found nothing but a pig chomping on the wallpaper, Don Leopoldo. That the pig’s tiny ears made her nose look unnecessarily big. And on top of that she smelled like garbage. Oh but Elsa the Pig did not care. She munched on the municipal wallpaper and did not care. That’s how the idea of summoning El Loco’s people occurred to Leopoldo. People weren’t outraged, he’d told León. Everyone thinks it’s funny. Extra, niño Leo, read it here first: León’s Right Hand Man Pockets Pensions and Roars to Miami. Check it out, Microphone Head, Fraud Forces Francisco Swett to Jet to Florida. Extra, Don Leopoldo, Jeffrey the Hutt Escapes Prison Order and Flees to Miami. Jeffrey Torbay did look like Jabba the Hutt, which made his embezzlement during León’s presidency even more sinister. Everyone’s saying that Jeffrey the Hutt opened a nightclub in Miami Beach, Don Leopoldo. That they’re calling it Ecuador Bar & Beer. Although more likely it was called The Palace or The Cathedral or The Mansion and its doors were probably flanked with pit guards spurnful of dark Mexicans and blacks. The other thing Leopoldo didn’t tell León is that everyone still remembers El Loco lashing a stockwhip out the window of the municipal palace, promising to flog oligarchs like León during El Loco’s tenure as police chief.
I won’t buy anything for this building until the people realize the extent of that man’s corruption, Leopoldo hears León say. That swindler shouldn’t be allowed to return. Accomplished and honest professionals are what our country needs.
Is León showcasing Leopoldo as an example of an accomplished and honest professional? The reporters seem to be wondering the same thing because they’re turning to appraise Leopoldo. Do they remember what Leopoldo has accomplished for the city? Do they remember that El Loco and his cohorts had also emptied the city’s coffers and that that’s the other reason León can’t buy anything for this building? Or that León had shut down the empty palace and jumpstarted a tax collection campaign to replenish the coffers but what he collected he had to immediately disburse to avert an epidemic because the sewers had clogged somewhere and black water was inundating the streets and the rainy season hadn’t even started and on the way to work people were seeing rats splashing for life? Leopoldo approaches the window on the other side of the room to check on El Loco’s people. To keep it manageable Leopoldo had only summoned two hundred out of the two thousand four hundred and ninety pipones, and yet outside more than two hundred are already crowding the courtyard, spilling onto the streets and gardens, he should’ve anticipated that more than two hundred would show up, although perhaps his arithmetic is off? One by the oyster stand, two by the juice vendor (hey, is that Facundo Cedeño?), three by the, well, don’t worry too much, Leo, no one’s going to notice in any case. Across the room Leopoldo signals León. Let us begin.
—
Facundo Cedeño, sporting cream polyester pants and a brown SPAM tee shirt, which barely covers his ventripotence, or as his classmates at San Javier used to call it, his bus driver beer bulge, I’ll show you a bulge!, he would retort to them, adopting a leader of the hencoop posture, a poultry falsetto, a mock priapic strut along with grabfuls of his storied maid killer under his school jeans, the same cotton butt jeans that used to be an indefatigable source of school hall badinage, the latter word, incidentally, being the kind of word that Facundo would often call out for clarification during Who’s Most Pedantic: ba the bleet of sheep, di the circus interlude, nage the Vader belch: baah, dee, NAAAAAGE, transmogrifying their recondite words as payback for their mocking of his shabby, ill fitting jeans that would drop on him just as his cream polyester pants, two sizes too big, are dropping on him as he stands on the steps of the municipal palace.
Buying a belt is a passing thought amid the Saharan heat. No sand here though. No Arabian ghost masks either. A limerick about camels and parasols is a passing thought as he spots a juice vendor on the other side of the courtyard. A pint of papaya juice would be swell. Not as swell as my belly here, eh? Eh? Ha ha. This round fellow here, his grandfather used to say as he petted his whale of a belly, is worth thousands. Everyone always laughed at that joke. And yet when Facundo tried it on his audience at La Ratonera no one did. Pretend you’re old and still living in a mud hut and they’ll roar over, Facundito, Grandpa Paul had explained. Facundo straightens his hands like a visor, eyeing the courtyard like an explorer overseeing the Americas. A limerick about Cortez is a passing thought as he spots an oyster stand, a tricycle of sorts, which also looks promising as relief from the heat. A catfish look alike is placing his oysters by his ear before slurping them, as if expecting to hear their last words. Don’t eat me, catfish! Kiss me, catfish! Mrkrgnao. Too many people are thronging the courtyard. Too many people are beached on the stairs. Some of them are grousing about the long wait, others about the jump in the price of lentils, others about weevils in the rice imported from Thailand by a minister who fled the day before his prison order was issued, about the probabilistic that El Loco might return to squash those corrupt oligarchs conchadesumadres in the upcoming presidential elections. Shush it, Fabio, León might hear you and pop your eye. You think weevils are crunchy, compadre? To traverse the crowded courtyard for some juice of dubious sapidity, not to mention its dubious coldness, for even if the juice vendor had the strength to carry the weight of the buckets plus juice plus ice blocks, he probably loaded the ice early in the morning so it must be all melted by now, yuck, well, hold on, why do I have to traverse anything? Hey juice man. Psst. Over here. At a miraculous speed the skeletal juice man approaches him.
How much for your punch?
Twenty five, patroncito.
Getting sly on me?
Fifteen and fresh from the fruit, patroncito.
Say again?
Ten and to the brim, patroncito.
Facundo pulls a photocopy of an official looking letter with the municipal seal, waving it like an eviction notice in front of the lanky juice man, whose roasted body reeks of shrimp, and whose veiny arms are overtensed by the buckets’ weight.
I’m with the municipality. This juice’s probably a health hazard. Let me see your permit.
The defeated look of the juice man seems like an obvious exaggeration, no? As if he’s not used to it? Right. What an actor. The juice man squats to set the buckets down but right before they touch the cement he changes his mind and lets them drop. Flatly they land on the step. The skinned bean jars clink against each other. Splashes of red juice land on his rubber sandals. He submerges his hand into the water bucket, the one where he rinses the jars, retrieves one, and then inserts it inside the other bucket, the one with the juice and the ice.
Free for you, patron.
Ah. Much better. Nice and cold.
A limerick about gluttony is a passing thought as he swills the juice. The juice man is eyeing the smoke clouds nearby. Hoping for what? The smog of retribution? The avenging thunderbolt? Facundo tries to appease the juice man, sticking his teeth out, bunnylike, diligently wiping his curd from the rim of the jar. Nothing. No funnybone on this one. Facundo hands him back the empty jar. At a miraculous speed the juice man vanishes inside the crowd.
More arrivals stream to the front, by the stairs, mostly because there’s no line but eventually there’ll be a line and then they’ll be first, not knowing there’s probably a long wait ahead, not caring about crowding the courtyard further, hey, stop pushing, quit shoving. A green balloon escapes from someone’s grip but doesn’t drift up. Facundo swats the limp balloon, which tries to float,
