I’ll have him bring that, too.”
The doctor hesitated.
“What?”
“Maybe it would be prudent to have another party bring the items,Your Good and Plentyness.”
“Another party? What’s wrong with—” He stopped. He cast the doctor a stunned look. “Hazeem? You don’t think… You can’t mean…”
“It’s simply a matter of protecting the experiment from contamination,” the physician said tactfully. “I can send someone around right away with the necessary protective gear.”
“Hazeem?” the president wheezed. “No, no, I refuse to believe—”
The doctor whispered, “These are perilous times, Enormous One.”
But Akhmed hardly heard him. He just lowered his head and, shaking it, kept muttering, “Not Hazeem… By the grace of Allah, not Hazeem…”
“Great news, Mr. President,” Hazeem chirped on the phone the next morning. “I think you’d better pop right over.”
“Right over where?” the leader asked suspiciously, mindful of the doctor’s implied accusation against the president’s so-called friend. Akhmed had not slept a wink imagining Hazeem cornering him in the sauna and beating him to death with a hot rock; locking him inside and turning the temperature to two hundred (he had seen that once in a Matt Helm movie); secretly replacing his baby oil with battery acid.
“To Facility Six-A.”
What was this? Facility Six-A? That was code, of course, for one of the underground nuclear laboratories. Were they in on the assassination plot, too? Traitorous bastards!
“Why there?”
“You’ll see. It’s very exciting. A surprise!”
I’ll bet, the despot sneered silently.
“An early birthday present,” Hazeem pressed.
We’ll just see about that. Akhmed was starting to get a little miffed. Hadn’t he trusted Hazeem with his life? Hadn’t he confided all kinds of personal matters, including his profound love for his cockatiel? Hadn’t he shown him his wallet photos? So this is how the dirty rat repays me. Yes, we’ll just see who is more cunning than whom.You’ll have to get up a lot earlier than this to get the drop on yours truly.
He decided to play along. “Can you give me a hint, my trusted friend?”
“Not over the phone,Your Fullness—not even the cell phone.”
“Convenient.”
“Sir?”
“And I suppose you want me to ditch the bodyguards? Or are they in on it, too?”
“In on what?”
“All right, Hazeem. I’ll bite. But I think there is something you should know first.”
“Yes?”
“Your young niece…the one who attends university in the United States…”
“Samreen?” Hazeem said, his voice rising. “What about her? Is she all right? Nothing has happened—”
“Nothing yet, my trusted friend.”
“Yet? Good heavens, this is no topic for riddles.”
“Quite so. I know how fond of her you are. And vice versa. I know how much she depends on you—as do we all. And I’m sure she and all of her…activities, shall we say, will remain under cloak to assure her continued safety.”
“Activities? What activities? What the blazes are you talking about? Don’t joke about Samreen. I won’t have it.”
“Never mind. God willing, she will be safe and sound, snug as a bug.”
“She does her studies, that’s her only activity. She is a straight-A student. I see her grade reports.”
“And you never need worry about monkey business, if you know what I mean.”
“I have no idea what you mean.”
“Naturally, we have people in strategic places everywhere to protect our interests. Something could easily be arranged.”
“Samreen is my interest only, no one else’s.”
“To make sure she doesn’t get seduced by the wrong element, you know? America is not a safe place for young Muslim women—with all their drugs and alcohol and young black men, heaven forbid.”
“Are you suggesting having her followed? I won’t stand for it. She is pure and innocent. She has nothing to do with geopolitics.”
“I take you at your word. It is only something to consider for the future, which, Allah be praised, will be long and blessed. Perhaps we could discuss the matter further after meeting at the Facility?”
Agitated, Hazeem spluttered, “There is nothing to discuss, Mr. President. The matter is closed.”
“Ah, I thought you might see it that way. Do you still have a ‘surprise’ for me, then?”
“Here,” Hazeem bristled, handing the phone to someone. “You deal with him.”
“Your Eminence?” said a new voice. “It is I, Tahir.”
“Tahir? You mean, Hazeem really is calling from Facility Six-A?”
“You’d better come see for yourself,Your Prominence. We have made a wondrous discovery.”
Akhmed leapt out of bed. His covers went flying. “What?! A breakthrough?!”
“This is a momentous occasion.”
“OMG! Why the bloody hell didn’t Hazeem say so?! What’s wrong with that man? You’re not yanking my cord, now, are you? Because if you’re screwing around, I’ll reupholster my minibus with your children’s flesh. Baby Tahir will be the steering wheel cover.”
“Congratulations to you and all Iran,Your Heightness!”
“I knew you could do it! Never a doubt in my mind! Break out the Tab.You can make a toast to me.”
“As you request,Your Eminence.”
“I’m on my way down!”
Down was right. Nine floors below a location so secret that even he didn’t know where the heck he was (design was his thing, not directions), the president sat sipping a diet soda and listening with wide-eye, rapt attention as Tahir stood at
