What is your good plan, Lord, anyway? Where is your news of great joy? Because I don’t see it. When does this suffering end? When will you reveal to me that great big weight of joy that you promised? Because this hardly seems good and this hardly feels worth it and news flash, Lord, but I’m not feeling the joy! Will I ever see your goodness in the land of the living? Or will I die, like Moses, old and bearded and exhausted, because I have a beard, Lord! Look! I am a grown woman with a beard! What’s the deal with that? Am I just supposed to work hard and suffer and then die, so that everyone but me can enjoy all that milk and honey? Tell me now! I demand to know … do I just need to be dead and bearded to understand any of this? To understand you? And please, Lord, tell me … with this giant cross you have lovingly super-glued to my weak and frail back, that you claim is a gift, I would really like to know, what is the payoff? Where is my sticker? And for the love, sweet Jesus, please tell me, because I am dying to know: WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?”
Welcome to my inner thoughts that, really, no one ought to hear, except for Father in the confessional. Please pray for the priest who hears my confessions. Poor guy.
But I share this with you because if there is one thing that I have learned in the few years I have worked in women’s ministry, it is that I am not alone. Believe it or not, I am not the only Catholic woman who takes frequent trips to crazyland aboard the selfish express. I am not the only devout woman who loves Jesus, but sometimes doesn’t. Who agrees to pick up her cross daily, but wishes truly that the call was to pick it up biweekly. Or maybe even just once a month. Ideally, not at all. And I know that I am not the only faithful woman who gets so completely overwhelmed, so buried beneath it all, so distracted by the enemy and tossed by the waves, that my “yes” to God, that I desire to give, shifts ever so slightly, transforming itself into a bitter Why? A demanding What? A desperate need to understand the plan and to be assured that in the end, I will be okay.
Because I think “What’s in it for me?” is not simply birthed out of self-centeredness, but rather out of fear. I think we are afraid to answer God’s call. I think we are afraid of what he might ask us to do. I think we are afraid that if we follow Christ, we will not only have to give up those sins that we know are bad for us but think we need to get by, but we will also be asked to constantly give to others. And the fear here is that if we do that, there will be nothing left for ourselves. And I think we think this way because we forget who God is. I think we think this way because maybe we have never truly encountered him. Or we’ve forgotten what that encounter was really like.
You see, Mary, who was so clearly set apart from the rest of us, she knew who God was. She studied the scriptures and soaked up the Old Testament. She had come to know God in such a beautiful, intimate, and personal way. So, when asked to drop everything, when asked to trust, when called to step up to the task she was created for and born to do, nothing other than “yes” made sense. Make no mistake, yes does not mean we understand. But it does mean we have faith, regardless. Maybe if we spent more time in Scripture, getting to know our good Father, this generous and kind King, even though we may not understand the circumstances we are in, we would be less tempted to run from them. To seek out a better plan. To find an easier path. To travel a road less dangerous. To live comfortably. Because our God? He may call us to unsafe places, and he make ask us to step out of our comfort zone, but he is also a God of abundance, and he always will be. He multiplies all that we bring him, no matter how small our offering. Remember, he feeds thousands on just two fish and five loaves of bread — and even then he sends us off with leftovers. You see, when we hand over all that we have, God not only feeds us until we are satisfied, he leaves us with more to eat, he leaves us with more to share. I promise you that. He desires to give us a full life, overflowing with joy. He does not ask anything of us, unless it is for our absolute good. Yes, that is hard for us to process sometimes. I admit, I struggle greatly with this. So many battles I find myself thrown into feel so endless, so pointless, so unloving, so not for my good, that I am tempted to pull back, to close off, and to seek out another way. My own way.
There is only one true way, however, and that way is Jesus. We need to know him if we are going to work with him. We need to trust him when the messenger appears, and we need to be able to say yes to the task that God has created specifically and uniquely for us. We need to believe that our Father loves us so much that, no matter what he asks, we will not be left out of receiving the trophy that awaits us. We will not lose the battle, or walk away defeated, or not be able to walk at all. If we abide in him, we will be victorious.
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