“Me, too! I’m surrounded by cranky kids all day!”
b. “You’re probably responsible for the attitude at work.”
c. “Why don’t you try having a team-building activity offsite?”
d. “You must be so frustrated!” (Response “d” is empathic, but the best response will be not only empathic but also encouraging further discussion.)
e. “You must be so frustrated! Why do you think that is?”
We are so often tempted to provide a solution, responding with our own similar struggles or stories. This is well intentioned, an attempt to find common ground and to be empathic. However, it only shifts the attention to ourselves and can result in the other person feeling discounted.
Another common error is to think that what is needed is an immediate solution to the problem. Men are often accused of being advice-givers; it is possibly related to their wanting to protect and defend, and not really knowing how to respond other than suggesting a solution. But often this only serves to stifle the conversation. The other person may not want advice or a solution; she may need to “vent.” She doesn’t feel understood. And, even if she does want advice, she first wants to feel understood.
Finally, some responses are blaming; perhaps by temperament we are the sort of people who like to solve our own problems, thinking that complaining is “whining.” So we project that onto the ones we are listening to, blaming them for their own problems. This is the least empathic response.
Empathy does not require agreement or feeling the same way as the other person. It does entail understanding how the other feels and conveying that understanding. And it makes it more likely that the other person will respond empathically as well.
Exercise
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