her kids turned out, I’m pretty sure she took her children with her, teaching them without words to be humble and to care for those less fortunate.
In our day this might translate to having food on hand for homeless people on street corners, giving to your parish food pantry, or visiting the elderly in nursing homes. When I was a child, my mom would bake cakes and bring them to the local nursing home to celebrate all the residents with birthdays that month. The employees kindly hung a sign with those residents’ names so we could sing to them accordingly. Of course, not all the birthday celebrants would attend. It was usually just the same old faces (excuse the pun) each time, but that day was probably a highlight of their month. The elderly love seeing children and having visitors. Bringing cake helps. I don’t remember there being ice cream. I probably ate it in the car on the way.
Our children learn a lot from our example and teaching including, of course, manners. I sent my six-year-old to deliver lemons and oranges from our yard to the widow next door. Worried that she might rudely deliver the fruit and leave without a word, I called to her, “Don’t forget to say, ‘You’re welcome.’” When she returned, she gave me the full report: “I rang the doorbell, and when the lady opened the door, I said, ‘You’re welcome!’ and handed her the bag.” I guess I should’ve been more specific.
Sometimes teaching our kids to be specific, and honest, can backfire — though I’m not saying it shouldn’t be tried. One day, my youngest daughter said, “These eggs are delicious, Grandma.” My mom replied, “Why, thank you!” Then my daughter gave her reasoning: “Because I like things that are burnt.”
Parenting requires so much diligence, not to mention energy. A friend says the first step in good parenting is to get up off the couch. How often have you, like me, told a kid to “Come here and tell me” or asked an older child to check on their sibling, because you didn’t want to go wherever she was? Or, like another friend, when told a child was injured, responded with, “Is it bleeding?” Now, eight kids in, she calls, “Is it gushing?” Anything less and she can’t be bothered. Granted, these kids have more energy in their tiny legs than we have in our whole bodies.
If you are sitting on the couch, however, it’s easier to be at your child’s eye level. Making eye contact shows you’re giving your complete attention — something kids crave. Okay fine, adults too. Too often I’ll be typing, still looking at the screen but slightly turning my head in my daughter’s direction, saying, “Uh huh” and “Okay” without really hearing what she’s saying. Usually it’s nothing important (from my perspective), but if I’m not careful, I may find her eating cookies for breakfast (kid after my own heart), with my apparent permission.
Children need our attention for their emotional well-being. A friend with a large family noticed one of her kids had gone quiet for several days. Of course, with adolescents, simply asking what was wrong got this mom nowhere. Then she had the idea to go shopping and invite only this child to accompany her. After their special mommy-daughter time, the girl perked up and was back to her normal self. Whenever the melancholy seemed to creep back in, this mom knew it was time for some one-on-one again. She said to her husband, “Sorry, honey. She needs me to take her shopping,” as she grabbed her purse and dashed.
What a wonderful experience it is for our children to have mommy or daddy all to themselves to explain what’s in their drawing, or describe a bug they found, or — heaven help us — verbally illustrate a dream they had last night. That last one is the worst. That’s when I let them follow me to the kitchen so I can at least be scrubbing potatoes while I listen. I find that giving my attention to one kid at a time keeps me from being stressed out by the big picture. When my baby needs me, I take him to his room and shut the door so I can focus just on him. This only works when your other children aren’t likely to shave the dog or set the couch on fire. But if I can ignore everything else for just a few minutes, it’s incredibly soothing. I can say, “It’s just you and me, baby. You have me completely.” Of course, looking at his cute, chubby face is always therapeutic.
Extending these principles, you can spend one-on-one time with each child as a way of “checking in” or making sure all is well. I start with a finger and toenail check on baby Joe. All clipped and ready to go. When did I last give him a bath? Shoot, has it been that long? Don’t tell my husband. Then I work my way up to the next kid until she goes on for too long about Calvin and Hobbes. Next one: Do you need anything? Order more books from the library? Can do! And the oldest girl — I have to strap in for that one. Once I’ve completed the rounds, I have peace of mind knowing everyone is present and accounted for (lest I inadvertently lose one), and each one’s needs are being met. And if not, I’ll do what I can to be sure they are. Pro tip: Do this every once and a while with your spouse, too!
Younger kids might be bothered that they can’t do the same things as their older siblings, like check the bear traps or drive the Batmobile. At a playground a little girl was crying because she couldn’t swing across the monkey bars like her big brother. The mom assured the girl that her brother was able because he’d done it more times. “Practice makes progress,” she said. I found that interesting. We can’t promise our kids they’ll become perfect at something, even with lots and lots of practice. No one is perfect at everything, despite what you see on Pinterest boards. By using the word “progress,” this mom helped her daughter realize that though she may not be great at something now, she can improve with repeated effort.
The less obvious message is that the popular trope of “you can be anything you want if you just try hard enough” is false. Despite this “good parenting” mantra of our modern culture, not everyone who wants to can become a Nobel Prize winner, or an astronaut, or Adele; which is why, when I sing at Mass, we suddenly end up with empty pews all around us. If your kids discover their big, fabulous dream isn’t coming true, it’s an opportunity to point out that God might not mean for them to cure the common cold, build a better mousetrap, invent a new ice cream flavor, save an endangered species, and all those things on the Game of Life “Life Tiles.” Of course, you should encourage your kids to set reasonable goals, but remind them that if things don’t seem to be working out, it may be because God has another, better plan that will take prayer and time to figure out. As an added bonus, fulfilling that plan will make them far happier even than winning American Idol. Pretending I did, however, comes in handy for those crowded Christmas and Easter Masses.
Seeing your children discouraged or disheartened is hard, though. Whenever a setback came to the children of a mom I know, she’d remind them that it just meant something great was about to happen. Many times I’ve witnessed sad endings being the path to happy beginnings. Like losing a job only to get a better one. Or, in kid language, their bike breaking and getting a new one. Maybe don’t mention that to them, though, just in case their bike “accidentally” falls off a cliff. There are many highs and lows in life, but ultimately, God has our backs.
Leaving your children with an encouraging thought, such as God having it covered, is great at bedtime. Let them drift to sleep with something positive on their mind. My grandmother would always tell my mom, “You’re wonderful” when tucking her in at night. “Jesus loves you, and I do too,” you could say, especially if you butted heads that day, reminding your child that, despite everything, you still love him or her and always will.
You could also have them recall a happy thought from the day or remind them of something to look forward to the next day. (Perhaps not that last thing if they’re the type to stay awake due to excitement.) Maybe they could fall asleep thinking about heaven, or what it would be like to ride on a giant eagle, or what the monster living under their bed looks like. Saint John Vianney’s mom would speak to her children of God, Mary, and the angels before bed. Likewise, when they woke in the morning, she’d be there to remind them of Jesus, first thing.
Let the reminders continue. When a friend drops her kids off at school she tells them, “Be kind and always do your best.” I respect that she goes beyond
