house was clean and neat (much cleaner than my house, for sure!). They had a huge playroom with lots of toys, and a big backyard with artificial turf and play equipment, plus a misting system for hot months. They took field trips, played games, and read stories with the kids. They provided two nutritious meals a day plus a snack in the afternoon. My kids were in their care from 2011 to 2017, and they’ve cared for all six of my children — three of them since they were eight weeks old, and one since she was a year old. They became good friends, and I felt blessed and reassured that my children were in excellent hands while I worked to help support our family.
Similarly, the daycare we used from 2017 to 2018 was an inhome daycare run by a wonderful Christian woman who loved our kids as if they were her own. My kids loved her in return, and we remain friends to this day.
The stories from other Catholic working mothers are similar. We aren’t tossing our kids into gulags while we traipse off to work every day. We put a lot of time and effort into finding a daycare situation that is a good fit for our family and complements our parenting. Some CWMs choose to employ nannies or au pairs. Some have relatives watch over their children. Some CWMs don’t use daycare at all, and work opposite shifts or have their spouse stay at home with the children, or even work as daycare providers.
Whatever situation we choose, we make sure that our children are happy and well-cared for — and if we have concerns, we resolve them or find alternate arrangements. We can plainly see that our kids are happy, healthy, and thriving in the care of people we know and trust.
Resentment Is the Greatest Enemy of Contentment
Guilt isn’t always bad, though. Our culture likes to joke about “Catholic guilt,” but guilt can be a positive thing when it is the result of a certain situation or action clashing with our well-formed conscience. It’s a good idea to analyze any situation or incident that is making you feel guilty and explore what changes you could have made or can make in the future. Sometimes there are no changes you can make, and you’re doing exactly what you need to do. But there might be a step you can take or an action you can perform that will bring you closer to what your ideal is, and alleviate some of that guilt.
If you are desperately longing to be a SAHM, to the point where it’s causing anger and resentment in your life, talk to your husband. Go over your finances together — your income, your expenses, your debt-to-income ratio, your short- and long-term financial goals. Discuss what needs to be done to make your dream a reality. Sometimes just having a plan and a goal to work toward can help ease the guilt. Even having a clearer picture of what circumstances would need to change in order for you to stop working can make you feel more confident in knowing that you’re doing the right thing in your current situation.
Sometimes, however, the above approach isn’t feasible (for example, if you’re a single mother). I saw a quote on Twitter last year that said, “Resentment is the greatest enemy of contentment.” If you are actively resenting your job, your boss, your coworkers, your general situation, or other aspects of your life, you’re going to be much more susceptible to guilt, and it’s going to be a lot harder to enjoy what you have if you’re constantly obsessing about what you don’t have or want to have.
I remember one day that was really rough for me. I was tired of commuting three hours round trip every day, tired of working, tired of constantly feeling like I couldn’t keep up with the laundry, the dishes, the cooking. I found some satisfaction in my work, and I knew that my salary was necessary for my family’s financial survival, but trying to balance a full-time job with full-time motherhood of (at that time) four young children seemed more difficult by the day.
“The concept of ONE or TWO people (the mother and father usually) being the sole nurturer, provider, caretaker, driver, supporter, etc. of their child is a completely new concept. For years we had generational caretakers. Multiple generations in the home would take care of the whole family. It was a group effort. In places like India and Japan, this is still a very common practice. In America, we have the means and the social expectation to live in our own separate homes, and that means separating our lives as well. Do not feel guilty that it takes a village. For years we had villages. People just very quickly forget that.”
— Hannah D.
I spent an hour of my commute sobbing as I cried out to God, telling him that I felt like I was Sisyphus — forever pushing my boulder up the hill, alone, unsupported, with no relief in sight. I arrived at work emotionally exhausted but feeling slightly better for having poured out my troubles.
Throughout the day, I received encouraging e-mail messages from friends — even though I hadn’t shared my struggle with any of them. Another friend wrote a blog post about Saint Francis de Sales that included this quote, which was immensely comforting:
Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life; rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in his arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; the same understanding Father who cares for you today will take care of you then and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.
I found that quote so helpful that I printed it out and hung it in my cubicle. It helped me realize that I wasn’t Sisyphus, pushing my immense burden uphill all by myself, unless I chose to be Sisyphus. I had a burden, that’s true, but that didn’t make me any different from any other human being on this earth. Instead of struggling alone with a burden that was insurmountable, I could choose to be like Jesus, carrying my cross of reluctantly working with patience and offering up my sufferings for others.
As long as I viewed my trials and sufferings as burdens I had to deal with by myself, I would be a victim; but instead, I could learn to view my suffering as a work of love for others and be more like Jesus.
“Offering it up” is a concept that is foreign to many, even those raised in the Catholic Church. The more I thought about it, though, the more it made sense. It was not God’s will for the world to contain suffering, but it was one of the consequences of the free will of our first parents. Adam and Eve chose to sin, and God respected their choice — even though it meant his beloved sons and daughters would have to suffer.
God, however, has given us the ability to take our suffering and use it for the good of others. As he so often does, he will bring good out of a bad situation. Our suffering does not have to be in vain, whether it is suffering caused from physical pain, emotional damage, or just the common trials of everyday life — including working when we would much rather be at home with our children.
While investigating this subject, I found many suggested prayers to use when consciously trying to offer up our suffering. My favorite was this one:11
Dear Lord,
Help me to remember in these troubled times
The cross you carried for my sake,
So that I may better carry mine
And to help others do the same,
As I offer up (whatever your concern or problem here) to you
For the conversion of sinners
For the forgiveness of sins
In reparation for sins
And for the salvation of souls.
Amen.
