legs come off, breathe the drunk waste and stink from rotten food and garbage, eat from dirty dishes, if you ever managed to find food. We used a hole in the floor as a toilet, and I heard about the existence of a bath only in fairy tales. But in what fairy tales? Just heard.
3. First loss
When I was six years old, my beloved mother died. Unfortunately, she never was able to stop drinking, and maybe she did not want to, I could never get an answer to this question.
Jack also died just a few months before my mother’s death, was kicked by some drunkard, which was enough in my environment, or rather, in the environment of my mother.
So, the seriousness of mother’s absence was unbearable, such as she may be, she still remained my only family and beloved person, even though she never gave me neither love, nor tenderness, nor attention, but only pushed me away at any convenient occasion. And also I was terribly missing my faithful dog, which had left irretrievably to the place where they did not return from, they were my family.
Initially, I was sent to an orphanage, but, fortunately, I didn’t have to stay there for long, as my grandmother was found later — my mother’s mother, who became my guardian, took me to her place and helped me to survive the pain of loneliness and the grief of loss.
This is rather large aged woman, with dark hair, a wide smile and bright sea-green eyes, which sparkled and radiated genuine joy and care, prepossessed so much and even tampered with her kindness, as she greeted me with strong, friendly arms. From the first seconds of our meeting, it became clear to me that I could trust her.
Living conditions in her apartment were much more attractive and satisfactory, and compared to where I lived before, I can easily call them royal chambers. I even had my own room. Some old things, clothes and toys were given to us by the neighbors, so I always had something to wear and what to do at any time. I even ate every day for three times, and sometimes it happened, that grandmother spoiled me with sweets. I brightened up and became happier every new moment as possible.
But, unfortunately, my grandmother was a middle-aged, and also an invalid, often having problems with her legs, which refused from time to time because of a serious spinal injury in early childhood, therefore she moved with great difficulty, so she did not work, and respectively, had little money: her pension and my child allowance, but it was practically enough for the living essentials. Sometimes she sewed and sold something, which resulted in a small additional income, which many times saved us from unpleasant situations. Because of her difficulties, there was less time left for me, so she played with me so rarely, paid little attention, but it was quite enough, because before I was receiving much less. So it’s a sin to complain, so I was always content and rejoiced at every minute spent with her, until it was time to go to school.
4. School
From the very first days I met child aggression towards myself, connected with my appearance: worn, big or, on the contrary, small clothes, slightly disheveled hair. In addition, I was rather curious, childishly naive, always carefully considered everyone who did not like others, and at the same time was very shy. When I was asked something, I could not answer, since I had little experience in communication. Because of this, I suffered, because I often remained silent and could not correctly state any thought, point of view, or simply to say a couple of words.
At first, many classmates joked on me, said bad things and mocked my person, the girls did not pay any attention to me, never talked to me, did not sit at the same desk, and when I asked them about something, smiled slyly, began to whisper with girlfriends, and then giggled, apparently, above me. I was really upset and hurt me deep down.
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