scheduled for round two tomorrow.”
“What was round one about?” Jenny asked.
I sighed. “I’m not 100 percent sure. She mostly made me see that I don’t really know what the problem is.”
Jenny smiled. “I can imagine she also told you it’s hard to solve a problem if you don’t know what the problem is.”
“Ah, how well you know the old bird. I didn’t need special coaching to tell me that, but it’s funny how her perspective makes you look at things differently. I took her idea and went back to the team, and we made some progress. I think. At least I have something to report to Martha.”
Jenny raised an eyebrow. “Care to share it?”
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. “I’m not sure it’s ready for prime time yet, honey.” The truth was, I was uncomfortable talking moles and scorpions to Jenny without the background. It sounded, well, a little silly outside of the team discussion.
Jenny didn’t buy it. “If you’re not comfortable telling me, Martha is going to eat you alive. Why the hesitation?”
I was still reluctant, but I decided she was probably right. A dry run wouldn’t hurt. “OK, fine. It’s hard to tell you what came out of the discussion mostly because I don’t fully understand it myself.” The truth was, I didn’t understand much of anything at that juncture, but I didn’t want her to worry. “We had this long conversation that ended with two conclusions that are actually more like questions. The first question is, what is our mole infestation?” Jenny looked at me blankly. “And the second one is, what does the scorpion’s nature have to do with all of this?”
“Wasn’t that a Chuck Norris movie?” Jenny asked.
“Ha, ha,” I said. “Let me give you a little context.”
I proceeded to give her a brief summary of how we’d ended up talking scorpions and moles. When I was done, she looked thoughtful. “The mole part makes a lot of sense. I mean, how often do we spend our time treating symptoms without attacking the underlying problem? Our entire medical system is based on that idea.” Uh-oh, I thought, don’t get her started. Too late. “You know what the number-one-selling over-the-counter drug is? Heartburn medication. Because people would rather eat crap that puts their digestive systems in knots and then take a pill that gives them temporary relief than face up to the fact that they need to change their eating habits!” I could feel a bit of heartburn coming on myself. My wife has some very strong opinions on the medical system. She works as a freelance writer and lately has been doing a lot of work related to the issues with our medical system. “So I get the mole thing. You guys have heartburn, and you’re trying different brands of antacids, hoping that one of them will work, when really, you’ve got to stop eating chili dogs with extra hot sauce.”
“Exactly,” I said. “Although that’s where it starts to get fuzzier for me, and not just because you changed analogies. Although I have to admit that the chili dog is more appealing than moles —”
“That’s not all,” Jenny interrupted. She looked excited, which I assumed meant she was going to start in on the medical system again. I was wrong. “The scorpion problem. That’s, like, the secret to the universe or something!”
I looked at her sideways. “Drama queen much?”
She shook her head dismissively. “Don’t try to talk like a fifteen-year-old girl, honey. It’s not a look that works for you. I mean, I run into the scorpion problem just about every day.”
What I wanted to say was, “I seriously doubt you run into the kind of problem that is sinking a $500 million manufacturing concern that employs several hundred people and is causing your husband to secretly buy over-the-counter antacids every day.” But I realized that might be taken the wrong way and interpreted as condescending and dismissive, resulting in me taking up residence on the sofa in the basement until I saw the error of my ways. I decided to see the error of my ways in advance and said, “Seriously?”
“Yes,” she continued enthusiastically. “You’re in a situation where it seems obvious what everyone should be doing, but people do exactly the wrong thing, the thing that makes the situation worse instead of better. And usually worse for themselves.”
This wasn’t making sense to me. “I’m not picking up what you’re putting down, honey.”
Jenny looked at me as if I was a little slow. Which, generally speaking, is the right way to look at me. “The simplest example? The kids.”
I continued to draw a blank. “The kids,” I repeated back.
“Yes,” said Jenny. “We have two of them. Jake and Sarah. You may have noticed them around here occasionally.”
“Ha. But what do the kids have to do with the scorpion problem?”
Jenny looked a little exasperated. “Sometimes I feel like we’re from different planets when it comes to parenting!” I always get nervous when she starts down this line of discussion because we generally conclude that I have to change something I don’t fully understand. “Haven’t you ever noticed how sometimes we set clear expectations for the kids about something, including both the glorious rewards that will be theirs if they do what we ask and the horrible punishment that will follow should they fail to live up to the agreement, and then they go and do exactly what will get them punished?”
I did see what she was talking about. “Like Sarah going to her friends’ parties.” Maybe it’s a father-daughter paranoia thing, but that one drove me nuts. “We set her curfew time and tell her all she has to do if she’s going to be late is call and tell us where she is, why she’s late, and when she’ll be home. But what does she do? She comes home late, no call, nothing.” We were currently in a cycle with Sarah where it seemed she was perpetually grounded because she couldn’t make a simple call on the cell phone we paid for for exactly that purpose, which just compounded my irritation.
“Bingo,” Jenny said. “It makes no sense, right? She basically stings the frog every single time, which results in her not being able to go out for two weeks. And when the grounding is lifted, it’s a rinse and repeat on the whole cycle.”
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