of town, he’s lying in a hospital, or he’s dead. When the cute guy finally calls, and you ask him if he wants to come to your apartment for coffee, you know – and he knows – it’s not about coffee.
Psychotherapist and script consultant Dr. Rachel Ballon says, “Dating is subtext, marriage is text.” And this arrangement is often the case. In the first months of a courtship, we often don’t know what anything means and whether we can trust the words, or what’s really going on and what it means for our future. Everything seems to be about interpretation, and we often get the subtext wrong.
In marriage, we hope that most communication is out in the open, truthful and clear, although there are plenty of marriages with too much subtext – with secrets, hidden meanings, and emotions that rumble, but go unspoken.
Dr. Ballon also says that, as children, we start our lives with text, but then learn subtext as we come to understand social behavior, social norms, what is acceptable and what is not. Children will usually be quite direct, until adults move their text into subtext so they become more “socially appropriate.” Perhaps the child meets Aunt Jeannie and screams, “I don’t want to kiss her. She’s ugly.” The parents are appalled, embarrassed, and quickly teach the child to shy away from the text. The child learns to say, “Hello, Aunt Jeannie. I have a cold, so I can’t kiss you hello.” The child is learning to hide the text in the subtext, so the text, the real meaning, moves to the subtext.
If someone says, “I always hated Sunday dinners with the family,” we know there is subtext. If we have the time, we might ask, “Why?” “Was this a time of arguments and conflict in the family? Did the father get drunk at Sunday dinner? Did the mother always cry because the weekend had gone badly?”
Or, you might hear your friend say, “We fell in love instantly. It was clearly love at first sight. We are soul-mates!” However, you are a bit suspicious because she’s clinging to the arm of her new boyfriend, has fallen in love instantly a number of times, and the new man in her life reminds you of her father.
Or, you might have heard a president or dictator say, “We’re going to war for the cause of freedom!” Maybe. But upon closer examination, you notice the enemy has vast oil fields or vast rubber plantations or other rich resources that will become the booty of war. Or, you notice this ruler has gone to war a number of times and freedom has not been the result.
Sometimes the aspiring suitor says to the lovely young woman at dinner, “You can have anything you want. My treat.” But when she orders the expensive steak, the frown on his face and his cool behavior to her during the meal clearly indicate that she has crossed a line and that her excess bothers him.
Sometimes one friend says to another, “It’s really fine for you to go out with my former boyfriend. No problem!” Well, maybe, maybe not. If there’s subtext, this action will have repercussions.
We might think subtext more often occurs in professional relationships or new love relationships – places where not everything can be expressed outright. But even friends don’t always tell us the truth. When you ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” there are many ways to answer the question – some with subtext, some without. The friend might answer with straight text: “Yes, but only around the waist, and just a bit around the hips. And your butt does stick out a bit more than it does with your other clothes. Otherwise, it’s a nice color.”
Or, the friend might answer, “No, it’s fine. It’s a pretty dress!” And you might think, “What does that mean?” Now you’re unsure whether to buy the dress or not. You notice that the friend didn’t say,”You look stunning in it. It becomes you. Wow – they’ll be lining up around the block if you wear something so smashing!” But, maybe your friend is telling the truth, and it is pretty so you decide to buy the dress. The answer seems very straight, without subtext. And maybe it is. But you do worry about that word “fine.”
Or, you might try to guess the subtext. Perhaps the friend is secretly thinking, “I wish I could look that good. Great taste. I wish I had some of that!” And jealousy has now reared its green-eyed head. Or, the attractive platonic friend whom you always thought was “just a friend” suddenly seems to be looking at you in a funny and unfamiliar way. The friend might really think, “You are a feast to the eyes. I’ve never seen you look so attractive. Actually, you’re gorgeous and I’m very interested!” The friend might suggest you shouldn’t buy the dress after all, because you’re far too much of a babe magnet in it and the friend doesn’t want you attracting anyone else. If this interpretation is the subtext, the friend might say, “It’s too expensive,” or “Well, maybe it’s not as becoming as this other one.” Now you’re really confused.
When you’re confused, you are probably experiencing subtext. Something is going on underneath the surface. You don’t know what, for sure. You don’t know where it will lead. You don’t know what else will bubble up and what will remain hidden. But something is nagging at you and you think there might be some conflict here, perhaps a bit of trouble in this relationship, or maybe a turn in some new and wonderful direction. Perhaps something that’s been percolating in your hidden thoughts will come out as you find there’s a mutual attraction. Maybe you were implying subtext also.
Perhaps you put on the dress to test the friend and see if something else could go on between the two of you. Or maybe you put on the dress to let the friend know you now are interested in someone else and you’re getting ready to go to a fancy restaurant – with the cute guy you met last week.
Either way, the characters are becoming layered. Now there’s subtext.
CONSCIOUS SUBTEXT
In some instances, people are aware of their own subtext but choose not to share it with others. This discretion can take place in an attraction between people, when one chooses not to let the other know his or her true feelings. This might happen because the one person feels it’s too soon to express true feelings, or that it’s inappropriate to express feelings because the other person is married, is the boss, is too old, too young, too rich, too poor, too educated, or not educated enough, or from an undesirable culture, whatever that might mean to close friends or relatives. So the subtext comes out in other ways – looks between the two, comments like, “Your hair looks pretty,” or “Cool car,” when the person really means “You’re pretty, I like you,” or “You’re cool, even cooler than your car!”
The Romeos and Juliets can’t publicly say what they really feel. They know what they think and feel, but they direct their words and actions so others won’t understand them.
UNCONSCIOUS SUBTEXT
Sometimes subtext is unknown to a person because it’s too painful, too shameful, too dishonorable, or too difficult to admit. People who have suffered from abuse as small children, perhaps incest, battering, or neglect, often do not remember the very incidents that inform much of their lives. The woman might not know why she is afraid of the uncle or why she pushes her boyfriend away when he becomes romantic. The man might not know that he’s uncomfortable with the affections of a woman because he has repressed childhood abuse that occurred with a female relative. After years of therapy, perhaps the unconscious becomes conscious and the hidden layers of life become known well enough to make clear pronouncements and decisions.
Of course we all have flaws, insecurities, some problems, but for some, these problems have left deep wounds, some of them unconscious. Traumatic incidents from childhood might cause a character to speak, act, and react in ways that seem abnormal, or that imply the character is hiding something. In the film Sybil (1976), based on the book about a woman with multiple personalities, the backstory eventually emerges, as we learn that Sybil’s mother abused her as a child and her father ignored all the signs. Throughout the film, Sybil’s fears often erupt,
