of missteps they might take,fools often make the opposite mistake.
Maltinus wears his tunic down real low,35
while others hoist it high enough to show
their cocks and prove their lewd impertinence.
Refined Rufillus always reeks of mints;
Gargonius of goat. There isn't much
that's in-between. Some men will only touch40
a woman if a prudish robe can swallow
her ankles; others won't unless they wallow
in whorehouse stench. When Cato recognized
a friend outside a brothel, he advised
with godly insight,
“That's commendable!45
When lust engorges veins, it's sensible
for bachelors to descend into this den
instead of banging wives of married men.”
Cupiennius, who likes vaginas pure,
responds,
“Such praise I'd rather not endure!”50
It's worth it—if you're someone who prefers
that great disasters strike adulterers—
to pay attention to their chronic stress
and how fresh grief disrupts brief happiness.
One fellow went up to his roof and jumped;55
a second died from whippings; robbers thumped
another man while he was on the run;
some guy paid ransom; yet another one
was roughed up by a gang—and once a blade
left someone with his balls and prick filleted.60
Mobs roar,
“It's justice!!!” Galba won't agree.
So why are baubles picked up cheap or free
(i.e., freedwomen) thought to be less risky?
They will make Sallustius as frisky
as any husband screwing on the side,65
yet if he tried to be both dignified
and generous (so far as they don't clash
and he's unchecked by reason or his cash),
he'd give them adequate remuneration
and spare himself from shame and devastation.70
Instead, relying on this single thing
he swells with pride and takes to posturing
because, he can declare,
“I'd never paw
a married woman!”
It's the same old saw
we heard once from Marsaeus, who we know75
became the paramour of Origo
and gave that starlet his ancestral lands
while vowing,
“May I never lay my hands
on wives of other men!”
But you have laid
both actresses and hookers, which has made
your name more tarnished than your balance sheet!80
Are you content to take this part, yet cheat
yourself of credit for the role you play?
It harms you nonetheless; to throw away
one's reputation and inheritance85
is always evil. What's the difference
between a matron and a white-robed miss?
The son-in-law of Sulla, Villius,
a wretch too smitten with nobility,
was punished harshly and repeatedly90
by Fausta; he was always getting hit
or held at swordpoint for the fun of it,
and then deposited outside the gate
when Longarenus entered for a date.
Imagine someone stuck in such a bind95
whose penis was inclined to speak its mind:
“What satisfies you? Do I ask to probe the crotch beneath a consul's daughter's robe?”
And what would be his likeliest reply?
“Her father is a VIP…” Just try100 to get through thoughtfully and not confuse what you should shun with what you want to choose. Doesn't it matter if dissatisfactions stem from circumstance or your own actions? Don't give yourself a reason for remorse;105 forget the matrons, for they are a source of misery and evil that will keep you from the benefits you ought to reap. Although, Cerinthus, you may want to fight, your emerald or gems that are snow-white110 won't make the legs or thighs of women soften or more fragile, and indeed it's often a whore who has the more attractive odds, for she may sell without the false façades and openly display what is for sale;115 if she has charm, she need not hype her tale while cautiously concealing what is coarse. It's the same way that kings will buy a horse: they keep it covered as they check it out so they will never be deceived about120 the fragile hoof that often lurks below the gorgeous body putting on a show of tapered flanks, fine head, and arching neck. Their ways are wise, so never make your check of an exquisite body with the eyes125 of a Lynceus, but don't scrutinize the others like Hypsaea so you're blind to any imperfections you should find. “Oh what a leg! What arms!”
Your blather flows
while viewing shapeless hips, a pointed nose,130
no waist to speak of, and enormous feet.
With someone's wife, your view is incomplete
except that you can see her face; unless
she is Catia, her long, flowing dress
will hide the rest. But if you go pursue135
forbidden joys—as crazy people do—
a host of obstacles will block your way:
attendants, vehicles, beauticians,
