increasing daily. Lori tried to explain her fears to James. He attributed the behavior to Amy’s age.
Lori planned fun things every day for Amy. Lori had missed having fun when she was growing up, because her mom had to work and never seemed to have time for her. Amy refused to play with Lori but demanded that Lori entertain her. By bedtime, Lori had no energy left for James. Some nights, Amy demanded that Lori sleep with her. James began to resent Amy for taking his wife’s energy and he wanted to find a babysitter. Lori refused, thinking that Amy would be too scared to be away from her. James and Lori were drifting apart.
As Lori and James despaired over how far they were from their imagined ideal family, they decided to seek help. During the initial stages of finding answers, it was difficult and embarrassing for them to describe their parenting styles and Amy’s behaviors. Yet their shame decreased as they found professionals trained in trauma and attachment.
Introducing Corey’s Family, the Joneses
Rebecca and Danny Jones began fostering children soon after they were married. Danny worked second shift, leaving the house at noon every day and often working overtime to supplement their income, as Rebecca did not work outside the home. Rebecca was a good “case manager” for the foster children, arranging meetings and transporting the children to a multitude of appointments. Their home seemed like it was open to caseworkers at all hours of the day. Fortunately, their three birth children were self-sufficient and needed less “mom time.”
Upon placement of a new foster child, they gave him or her a toiletries basket, four sets of clothing and housing rules with a time chart. Their style was to set firm rules for all the children. The family routine included scheduled times for bathing, eating, homework, chores and free time. Weekend schedules did not include homework.
The family adopted foster child Corey, four years old, who had a history of six previous foster placements. Birth children Sara, Andy and Lane were happy to have another brother in the family. Rebecca and Danny did not change their parenting style after the adoption and Corey was expected to maintain the established foster child routine.
Over time, Corey’s behavior problems increased. He did not regulate his eating, always asking for more food. Rebecca found moldy food under his bed and food wrappers in his closet. She discovered that he went to the kitchen during the night for more food. Rebecca began hiding food and locking cabinets. Their birth children constantly complained about Corey “stealing all the food.” Rebecca and Danny could feel the hurt and loss of the children on top of their own frustration at not being able to provide for their children. The inaccessibility of food may be a trigger for a child with early trauma. Rebecca and Danny added more rules to try to stop Corey’s inappropriate behaviors, yet he routinely broke those rules.
Rebecca and Danny debated whether they should arrange for Corey to be placed back in foster care. Maybe he was just not a good fit for their family. The tipping point occurred when Rebecca attended training on attachment and trauma. She was given resources that challenged her way of seeing Corey’s behaviors. Thus began a new parenting strategy.
Introducing Sally’s Family, the Browns
Jane Brown, a successful businesswoman, placed very little importance on dating or relationships. As she grew older and listened to her co-workers talk about their children, her desire to be a mom seemed to awaken. She considered adoption her best option since she could adopt an older child and not take time off from work. She thought that an older child would be more self-sufficient, as well as a good companion. Jane would help society by giving an orphan a home. She envisioned this child thanking her for all the good things she provided. Jane chose Sally from a website. Sally was removed from her birth family at five years of age and began the first of three foster placements. One family declared that they would be her “forever” family, until she hurt their dog. Sally did not like that dog. He was like her mom’s boyfriend’s dog, the one tied to her doorknob to keep her in her bedroom and told to eat her if she tried to leave.
Jane was happy to have Sally. Weekends were for fun, with Saturday activities and Sunday church—their special times together. During the week, Sally stayed home alone, with a neighbor available for touching base if needed. Sally’s routine was simple: She ate a prepackaged meal for dinner, completed her homework and bathed. Because her work commute was long, Jane arrived home just in time to tuck Sally in every night. After a few months, Sally was less fun to be with, complained about weekend activities, refused to go to church, wanted to shop more often and would not finish her morning chores. Jane no longer planned Saturday activities, working instead. She figured Sally could just occupy herself if she wasn’t going to be fun. Sally was given chores and books to read and told to stay home. In retaliation, Sally began sneaking out as soon as Jane left for work. Sunday was Jane’s time to see her friends at church, but she could only get Sally to go to see a boy she’d met there.
Jane had no support system as a parent. She did not want to stress her elderly parents and her sister refused to help because she thought Jane was wrong to adopt in the first place, so Jane asked her secretary to find answers for her. Things began to improve between her and Sally when both began to participate in specialized trauma services.
Introducing Brandon’s Family, the Lewises
Bob and Deena Lewis were first-time parents of newly-placed six-year-old Brandon. Bob and Deena attended all the classes their agency offered, read many books and watched DVDs. They were ready. They knew this child would love them, because they were such loving people. Brandon seemed like a perfect fit for them, since six-year-olds can follow rules, maybe even read a little and do a few chores. They would have a ready-made family! Deena could continue working at the hospital while Brandon was in school. Bob, a teacher, would be home with Brandon during the summer. Bob knew how to manage children—he had created some of the best behavior management programs at his school.
Both parents believed that children comply when rules are explained. Besides, they knew Brandon would be thankful for his new home. They explained to him how he was expected to behave, their family rules and his boundaries. The first week went well, although Brandon seemed to forget the rules. Bob used one of his favorite behavioral charts featuring a reward system. He knew Brandon would enjoy earning rewards! Brandon worked for a week before protesting that the rewards were too hard to earn. However, when Bob made the system easier, Brandon still did not comply.
In the second month, Brandon tore up the chart and stated he didn’t care about Bob and Deena’s stupid rules. By the third month Brandon began breaking valuable figurines and rummaging through their belongings. Bob and Deena did not know how to make him respect their property. Deena dreaded coming home to a discouraged Bob and an out-of-control Brandon. She inquired at the hospital behavioral health department and was given the phone number for an attachment and trauma center. She and Bob changed their parenting style after a few helpful sessions with trauma professionals.
Look in my eyes can you see
Life filled with complete misery?
Look in my eyes can you say
Tomorrow will be a better day?
Well, tomorrow is now and things are the same.
I am still nothing to most but a faceless name.
Hurt more now than ever before
With each day bringing more and more
Unpleasant thoughts to keep me down,
Things to turn my smile to a frown.
Why am I cursed with a life like this?
