said she wasn’t, but that if it did, she would want it to be on the return flight so that she would not miss a moment of her vacation. That was Bernice—never missing a moment of what life had to offer.
Thursday, Friday, Saturday…July, August, September…and the rest of the days.
I think of Bernice often, and with the music of her joyous spirit to guide me, I get on with life.
Step One
Losing
If you believe yourself unfortunate, because you have loved and lost, perish the thought. One who has loved truly, can never lose entirely.
—Napoleon Hill, American author
Losing a loved one is not easy. I know—I have had many losses in my life. The one that made the most impact on my life was my wife’s death when she was thirty-four. In addition, my mother, my father, my four grandparents, my sister-in-law, several cousins, and both my mother-in-law and father-in-law have died, as well as over forty friends and colleagues who are no longer here because of AIDS or cancer.
I don’t think we ever forget the people we lose. So in some sense, they are never gone. But, still, it hurts not to be able to see them, hear them, or hold them again.
Loss hurts. But it can also help us be stronger, wiser, and, if nothing else, more appreciative of every moment we have on this earth.
In Shock
If you’re going through hell, keep going.
—Winston Churchill, British politician
When a loss occurs, shock sets in. This is natural. At the time, it may feel like you can’t deal with life. That is okay…for now.
You may feel numb and listless.
You may not want to eat or even get out of bed in the morning.
You may feel overwhelmed.
You may feel that your life has stalled or stopped.
You may also feel angry, depressed, and even guilty.
Know that you are not going crazy. All of these are normal responses in the grief process.
Why Me?
I don’t know why babies are born with AIDS, young people get killed in tragic accidents, or the Cubs can’t win a World Series. But I do believe there are blessings in every challenge, and lessons, growth and ultimately prosperity in what they bring us.
—Randy Gage, American prosperity teacher
After experiencing a loss, you may be asking yourself, “Why has this happened to me?”
The answer to the “why me” question is twofold. First, perhaps there is no answer to that question. And second, you are too close to your loss right now to know the answer. While these answers don’t provide much comfort, some solace might be had in knowing that we are all a small part of a much grander universe and that, with time, your loss will take its proper place.
Perhaps, too, the better question (or questions) to ask after a loss might be:
•“How will this help me live more fully knowing that my time is limited too?”
•“How will this help me contribute to the greater good for all people?”
•“How will this make me become a more loving person?”
Rising Above Your Loss
What is extraordinary about us is that we each have the capacity to rise like the phoenix out of our ashes, to create ourselves newly, to begin again. We can transform ourselves and our lives, regardless of what we have endured before now. Maybe the true purpose of suffering is that out of our pain, we will rise, expand, grow, and achieve.
—Judy Tatelbaum, American author/therapist
Go ahead. Wallow in your loss. It is okay. You probably need that right now. But that is now, not forever. Somewhere down the road, your tears will subside.
When we experience a loss, we can focus on the tears and on what we no longer have, or we can appreciate what we still have. We can focus on a life cut short or celebrate a life lived. We can feel sorry for ourselves or see our loss in a larger context.
You can get lost in your loss; you also have the power to rise above it.
During loss, it seems that you can’t possibly go on. Everything in your life may seem like it has come to a standstill. But you can go on—and will go on.
The Big Picture
The next time you are feeling bored, despondent or irritable, try to remember your cosmic situation; at this moment you are riding on a big round-shaped rock that is hurling through space, spinning around its own axis at about a thousand miles per hour and spinning around the sun at approximately 66,000 miles per hour. Along with our entire solar system, you are also soaring through the Milky Way galaxy at nearly 500,000 miles per hour. And what’s truly remarkable is that you don’t even have to hold on.
—Wes “Scoop” Nisker, Buddhist teacher
I recently went to the planetarium in San Francisco. I saw an incredible astronomical show about the creation of our sun. I learned that the sun is actually a star and that it is the nearest star to earth. I also learned that it was created 4.6 billion years ago. And it will burn itself out in another five billion years.
Fascinating numbers, but I could not wrap my mind around them. They were talking about billions of years ago and billions of years into the future. I couldn’t even imagine what one million years would look like, let alone billions.
It made me realize what a small speck we are in the history of our vast universe. And how trivial some of the things we concern ourselves about really are. It also helped put my losses, which seem so overwhelming at the time, in perspective.
You may feel that your loss is the largest thing in the universe. In time, and with perspective, your loss will take its proper place in your life.
Triumphing Over Tragedy
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
—John Vance Cheney, American poet
Life can be filled with joy. It can also be filled with immense sadness. Our ups and downs during life’s journey depend on a number of factors. These include such things as our circumstances, our reactions to our circumstances, and yes, even luck. Often we can’t control our circumstances, or our luck, but we can control our reactions to what happens to us and, by doing so, overcome them.
There have been numerous books, articles, and movies about people who have risen above the difficulties that life has handed them. They have won gold medals running races with no legs, they have gone from the bottom of the heap to the top
