your tastes and delights? If you love cool colors, are you wearing them? How about your love of teak earrings and capes? Dressing for fun and to express your unique preferences lets people know more about your inner self.3 If you have a business or career, how are you revealing your true self in your day-to-day work? If you have your own business, are you still doing work you love, or is it time to make some changes? If you work for an employer, are you asking for learning experiences and for new projects that speak to your new interests or to what's hot in your industry? Work is a powerful form of self-expression, and we need to keep looking for opportunities that evolve as we do.
4 How are you spending your time? Are you having the adventures you have dreamed of or are you watching too much TV? Are you seeing friends and family that you dearly love, or are you working all the time? Are you spending the time you want to on your quilting or volunteer work? We all have the same amount of time and we need to try to use it in a way that tells people what kind of person we are.
5 Many of us have been criticized for being ourselves. As we age, we (hopefully) get more comfortable taking risks and expressing our views and feelings to trusted others. Whether we are an artist or sell long-term care insurance, not everyone will like or resonate with our work. That's okay, as long as we are in our truth and telling a story that is meaningful to us. We need to keep some inner armor available to use when we get attacked. We need to stay centered as a creative person so that we can express what fascinates us and learn to care less about what others think.
Becoming ourselves is a lifetime journey with peak moments and pitfalls. Each of us has an original presence on the planet. Share it and celebrate it! We all benefit from being able to get to know the real you.
I wrote a newsletter called “Know Thyself” where I presented a list of healing questions that help us to mend and move on and to be more ourselves in the world. Many people wrote in and thanked me for the questions (which I will share with you) and told me that answering them had been a powerful process for them. I also got an email from a well-known writing teacher who told me that people needed positive inquiries to build their self-worth and that my questions would only bring people down. I'm all for positive, proactive thinking, but in order to heal and learn to completely value ourselves, we need to dig up the dirt so that we can release it.
Therefore, I think this is a good time to ponder some questions. If possible, take a day off and think about yourself and your life. On my recent day off, I got a spa treatment, lounged around, and wrote in my journal. I had some tough decisions to make about my business, as it is growing in new directions, and I have to integrate all of the social media and YouTube videos into my business plan. Personally, I am always working on decluttering my house and my mind, walking every day, spending time with friends and family, and working on new projects like trying out a highly recommended watercolor teacher or developing new ideas to write about. I do need to make a short list, though, not an overwhelming one.
We all have the same amount of time and we need to try to use it in a way that tells people what kind of person we are.
My current Creative Courage Circles are such a great reminder of the power of a support group in helping us take major leaps in our lives and stay focused. You might want to gather one or more like-minded souls together to keep you focused and challenge you to think.
Here are those questions to try to answer or explore:
1 What do you feel most ashamed about and how can you heal it?
2 If you were much braver, what challenges would you tackle this year?
3 What kinds of filters do you need in your life to screen out negative thoughts, people who are “downers,” the media, the Internet, stress overload, and anything else that you need to protect yourself from?
4 What have you been putting off in your life that you want to do/be/have now? How will you make that happen?
5 Have you thought about your legacy lately? How do you want to make a difference?
6 Lastly, what self-imposed limitation do you need to dynamite through and free yourself from?
These are big questions. Give yourself time to ponder them and let the truth be revealed.
Mary Hayden, PhD, is married to a man, John, whom I went to high school with. And John became one of my husband's best friends in college. Mary is a scientist at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colorado. She works on the intersection of climate change, climate variability, and health issues. She travels all over the world and works with communities to help them handle challenging climate and health issues. She has just returned from Uganda, where she had the opportunity to do work on the plague and collaborate with witch doctors there. She was recently in Phoenix trying to better understand people's vulnerability to heat and promote solutions for those folks. She has a dengue fever project in Mexico that is funded by the National Science Foundation and a meningitis project in Ghana that is funded by Google.org.
I asked Mary if she felt successful in the work she was doing, and she said, “It's funny, we talk about this a lot where we work, how in academia you never quite feel like you're good enough and that you can always be just a little bit better. But I'm very happy with the work I do, partially because it is work that reaches out to help other people and also because I can see that it makes a difference in people's lives. I like to remind myself occasionally of what I teach my children all the time: if you are doing the best that you can do, that's it. That's great. You can't do more than that.”
I asked Mary what her biggest fear was and she said, “I think as a parent that you always worry about your kids. It's constant. You think that once they grow up and leave the house, that's going to change. Well, it doesn't change—you still worry about them all the time. I see them every week and I like to hang out with them, but I think my worst fear is that something will happen to one of them and I'm sure John would say the same thing.”
In many management studies, when employees are asked “what is the one thing that you want the most,” they answer that they want positive recognition for their work. Some organizations are very competitive and workaholic, and no matter what you do, the message is that you could have done more and could have done it better. This leads to burnout and disillusionment. As women, we tend to fall into the trap of working harder in hopes that someone will notice and promote us. If we are entrepreneurs, we work harder in hopes that someone will give us key client contacts. We have to decide for ourselves what is “good enough” so that we maintain our personal power.
Chellie Campbell talks about the “100% Club.” She had a history of overachieving and overworking and was always being asked to lead organizations, events, and so on. “Finally,” she says, “I started to take it easier in life. In my 100% Club, I had to be perfect all the time. My email had to be 100 percent perfect and 100 percent of the people I met had to like me and admire me. I'd go to a party with one hundred people and ninety-nine of them would like me. One wouldn't, and I'd follow that one around. It's so silly. So I thought, who are the most successful, famous, loving wonderful people in the world, and do 100 percent of the people in the world always like them? The answer was No. Then I re-prioritized my life.”
Shame is a creativity murderess. Fear is another. We need to deal with our demons in those six questions to free ourselves to create and to feel joyful.
As many of you know, I love Cape Cod and relish the beauty and the solitude of miles of perfect white sand, dunes, and glorious views on the private part of Nauset Beach. I feel blessed every time I visit. I also have some special friends on the Cape whom I enjoy catching up with each season. I had hot chocolate (she had iced coffee) with my friend Gillian Drake recently, and she reminded me of the power
