for some reason Pamela didn’t follow through. But Pamela’s mother went to Joe and told him that Pamela had asked, which gave Joe the courage to ask her out. They’re married today.
Phyllis was twenty-one and went to Israel to work on an ulpan, a work farm for foreigners wanting to help Israel. Her brother-in-law, who had decided that Phyllis would marry Betzalel (her brother-in-law hadn’t told Phyllis this, and Phyllis had never met Betzalel) told Phyllis she had to look Betzalel up at the King David Hotel to send his regards. Dutifully, Phyllis called Betzalel and conveyed her brother-in-law’s regards. Betzalel, in an aloof sort of way that some might say is indigenous to Israeli men, said, “Who are you?” He decided they were obligated to meet, and he went out to the ulpan where Phyllis was working. This was a little uncomfortable for him since for an Israeli to go out to an ulpan was often construed as the Israeli trying to hook up with an American to procure his rights both in Israel and America. But he went and invited her out on Friday night. Phyllis had already been invited to a Shabbat dinner at someone’s house, but Betzalel insisted they go out afterward. They went out and the next Friday Betzalel’s mother invited Phyllis to her house for Shabbat, and that was the beginning of the relationship. They’ve been married for over forty years.
If It’s Meant to Be, It’s Meant to Be
Ron had just broken up a long-term relationship with a man who was quite a bit older and very much more accomplished and further along in his career than he was. He was now alone, and his friends suggested that he make a list of all the qualities he wanted in a man and put it up somewhere where he could look at it every day. Ron did that, writing down a specific description of the attributes of his dream lover, and put the list on his refrigerator. Nothing seemed to happen, so after a few months he took it off.
After several years of being by himself, Ron got involved with a man who was certainly not his dream lover, but the relationship lasted a long time. He and his boyfriend were in therapy but there was a certain complacency, joint property, and an intertwined lifestyle that made them both feel that even though this relationship was not really working, it would go on.
Ron was standing by the subway entrance on 86th Street in Manhattan saying goodnight to a man with whom he’d just had a business meeting. Ron found himself wondering if this man was gay or not . . . he just couldn’t tell. All of a sudden a very attractive tall man walked by and looked right at them as he passed. Ron said to the man he was with: “I think you just got cruised,” and the man responded, “Ooh, honey, I don’t think it was me he was cruising.” Ron smiled thinking “Okay, now I know this guy’s gay.”
The man who had cruised Ron went into Gristedes. Ron said goodnight to his business associate and walked down into the subway. The train was slow in coming, but there was a singer performing on the platform and Ron really got into it and was standing there enjoying the performance when he realized the handsome man who’d cruised him was standing near him. This made Ron really nervous so he didn’t look—he just kept listening to the music. When the train finally arrived, Ron made a point to see which car the guy was going into and proceeded to go into a different one. He sat down and thought, “Whew, glad I don’t have to deal with that.” A few minutes later he looked up and realized that the man was now standing near him in his car. (The interesting thing is that Lars, the man who Ron thought was cruising him, does not remember going after Ron, switching cars to be near him or following him in any way.)
Ron surreptitiously began to glance up at the man, trying to find things he didn’t like about him. Didn’t like the shoes. Didn’t like the tie. He said nothing to the man—he was just too unnerved at the thought of talking to this stranger on the subway—but something kept drawing the two of them together. He was on the local train, and at 34th Street he thought he heard the conductor announce that the train was now going express. He had been told to take the local train, so he got off the train. (Actually, he was going to 14th Street, which would have been the next express stop, but he got confused about directions and thought he needed to get off.) He was standing on the platform and he noticed that the man had gotten off too. Then he heard the conductor announce that the next stop was 28th Street, which meant that the train actually was a local, so he got back on. He noticed out of the corner of his eye that the man had gotten back on too. (Again, the fascinating thing about this is that Lars has no memory of following Ron or cruising him or anything. He was just going about his business, not even noticing where Ron was.)
At 14th Street, both men got off the train, Ron stood on the platform trying to figure out which exit he should go to, and the man went toward an exit at the end of the platform. As Ron was standing there he saw the man turn around . . . the exit he was going toward was closed, and the man was heading toward Ron on his way to the other exit. As the man passed Ron, something made Ron reach into his pocket, grab his business card, hand it to the man and say, “Call me.” The man said nothing, did not give Ron his number, just took the card and kept walking.
Even though Ron was still in his relationship, for some reason he was very excited. The next day he came into work and asked his secretary if anyone had called. The secretary said, “Yes, Bob called.” “Bob,” thought Ron. “Hm. That’s a nice name. Could it be him?” Ron asked, “Did you get his number?” and the secretary said, “He didn’t leave one.” Ron went into a whole tirade, saying, “How could you not get his number?!” The secretary looked so taken aback at this outburst that Ron, who had never shared any of the details of his personal life with his secretary, told her the whole story. She was very intrigued and into it, but informed him that she hadn’t gotten Bob’s number because it was Bob, their accountant from downstairs, who had called.
For the next five days, both Ron and his secretary waited anxiously for a call from the mystery man. The call never came.
Ron’s relationship dragged on. They were in couples counseling and Ron even brought up the mystery man in a session, but there was such a sense of inertia and settledness in their relationship that it didn’t even seem to ruffle his partner. Over the next year and a half, the relationship continued to drag on, but clearly there was nothing left of it and only familiarity and a sense of “nowhere else to go” were keeping them together.
Ron left his job and moved to another one. A year and a half after the subway encounter, Ron’s secretary from his old job got a call. “Hello, this is Lars, is Ron there?” “I’m sorry, Ron doesn’t work here anymore,” was her reply. “Thank you,” Lars said, and was ready to hang up. Now this was a government agency and their policy was not to give out forwarding numbers of employees who had left. But the secretary had remembered the story of the mystery man on the subway, and even though Lars had said nothing to indicate that he was that mystery man from a year and a half ago, the secretary said, “Would you like the number where Ron works now?” Lars, after hesitating, said, “Okay.” Ron was sitting at work when the phone rang.
When Ron answered the phone, he heard a voice on the other end say, “This is Lars, I’m the man you gave your card to on the subway a year and a half ago.” Now Ron knew that quite a few friends of his knew about the subway incident and he assumed someone was pulling his leg. “Oh, helloooo Laaaars,” he said in an extremely sarcastic voice. But when Lars began to talk to him and related things about the incident that only Lars could have known, Ron realized he was really talking to the guy. “What took you so long to call?” Ron asked. Actually, Lars had at first not wanted to call because he assumed that he wouldn’t be interested in a guy who makes a habit of giving his business card out on the subway. He’d then lost the card and was cleaning out some things and found
