church still puzzled him. His faith in Christ had come alive when he was a young high school student and by the time he started college he was pretty certain that some sort of vocational ministry was to be his path in life. He considered becoming a youth pastor and did some part-time youth work while he went to school. Being a youth pastor had seemed adventurous and exciting. He knew some youth leaders who were almost like celebrities among church groups. Paul thought that wouldn’t be a bad way to serve God.
In high school Paul joined a parachurch ministry that reached out to kids in his school. It was fun and he felt like he had an increasing number of comrades in his new faith. The leaders were, for the most part, college students who served part time in this work. They were edgy and cool and the kids really responded to them. He loved how they kept everyone’s attention when they had group events, all of which ended with the inevitable call to follow Jesus. Somehow, responding to that call when it came from trendy people made standing up and going forward for prayer a little easier to do. Paul thought he might enjoy being admired by so many kids. He also thought that working with adolescents would fit nicely with his own love of fun.
Over time, however, Paul discarded his celebrity fantasy and finished college. Even though he attended his denomination’s Christian university and even majored in Biblical Studies, he knew he wouldn’t fit his church’s view of what a pastor should be. He asked too many questions and was always trying to fool with traditional conventions of church life. Very often his questioning was rooted in his own youthful arrogance but there was also something authentic about his resistance toward religious convention.
When Paul announced to his academic advisor that he was considering a change in his vocational direction the reaction was not what he expected. Dr. Grayson was also Paul’s favorite professor and had deeply influenced Paul by his life and teaching. Paul often wondered how a man of such depth and integrity could survive in the denominational fishbowl that had become threatening to Paul. He thought Dr. Grayson would be upset, even reflecting back to him his own sense of somehow letting God down. Instead, he listened to Paul carefully as he described his disconnection from the conventions of church life that he feared would not only cause him turmoil in his professional life but would also consume his soul in the process.
“Dr. Grayson, I keep having this fear that I just don’t fit in church life, at least not as a pastor. I watch guys not much older than me who probably were as idealistic as I am right now, and they seem to end up landing out at the margins of religious life and forgetting what was in their hearts. I ran into a guy who graduated two years ago—he was an aide in one of my theology classes—and he’s an associate pastor now. Do you know what his big issue was? It was working with the congregation to switch the locations of the piano and organ in the main sanctuary. The church was upset about changing what had always been and he was actually taking the debate seriously! I just don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of work. They’d just end up firing me.”
Dr. Grayson smiled. “Well, Paul, it’s true that church issues can sometimes get stuck on conventional behaviors that are not the essence of the church’s life. But do you think it always has to be that way?”
“No, maybe not always,” Paul replied. “But there seems to be a lot of it going around. Have you watched these TV preachers? I don’t mind the ones that are just televising their church services. It’s the ones who grab everyone’s attention by claiming to know when Jesus is returning or telling everyone how to vote or just demanding that more money be sent in so that their ministry doesn’t collapse. Who cares about any of that? I know I don’t. But it seems like too much of church life gets caught up in all that.”
“Paul, why are you afraid that what you observe will end up happening to you?”
Paul shook his head. “I don’t know. But I just wonder if those other people actually saw these things coming or if the focus on non-essential stuff just sort of snuck up on them. How do I know this kind of thinking won’t sneak up on me? I’m afraid I’ll start out as a passionate missionary and end up giving out demerits to people who don’t come to church dressed the right way.” Paul realized he was sitting on the edge of his chair as though he was pleading his case to a judge. He sat back and took a deep breath. “I think maybe I’ve misunderstood what God really wants for me.”
When Paul was finished, Dr. Grayson removed his glasses and stroked his white goatee. “Paul, whether you pursue a life of ministry as a paid vocation or through whatever vocation you choose, you will be continually in the process of learning what God wants for you. Mostly what he wants is you. You might or might not survive the demands of the denominational world as a pastor. I think you’ve got a better chance at success in pastoral ministry than you think. Maybe you’ve got a kind of unconventional approach to things that is not what you would expect in a traditional pastor . . .
“My girlfriend says the same thing. She told me that I’m probably going to get into trouble because I tend to be an agitator.”
Dr. Grayson chuckled. “Well, I might have put it a little more delicately, but your girlfriend may have a point. At the end of it all you will just have to be true to what God has placed in your heart. Once you put your hand to that you will find rest.”
“But for now, I’m ready to begin my senior year and I’m wavering about my own direction. Do I just complete my degree and then get a job at a grocery store?” Paul heard his own voice rise as he felt desperation.
Dr. Grayson smiled. “Paul, you’ve done well in your studies. If I were to base your prospects of survival on your performance in school, then I would say you have an above-average chance at success as a pastor. On the other hand, there’s a lot of honest work in the world—including working in a grocery store—and you could just as easily end up there. So, you can take your chances and finish your Biblical Studies degree or change to some other field. Don’t let academics box you in the way you think the denomination has boxed you in. There are more possibilities to life than you probably think.”
Paul left that meeting wishing that Dr. Grayson had just given him some easy and direct answers, yet knowing that wasn’t really possible. He wondered, How can I be true to what God has placed in my heart when I don’t really know what that is?
That same day Paul decided to talk to his girlfriend, Sheila, about his conflicted feelings. Paul really loved Sheila and looked forward to the day when they could finally get married. They had agreed to put off a formal engagement so that they could focus on their studies. He wondered how she would take the possibility that he might change his vocational direction. He picked her up at her dormitory and drove to their favorite Mexican restaurant. The place was an out-of-the-way, family owned diner that served homemade Mexican food. Paul was nervous as they slid into the booth. As his jeans connected with the vinyl seat, an embarrassing sound barked out. Sheila smiled.
“Better avoid the burrito today, Paul.”
“Hey! That was the seat . . .”
“Don’t make it worse by explaining it.” Sheila laughed and grabbed a menu.
Over lunch Paul told her what he had been struggling with. He hoped she didn’t notice his sweaty palm as he held her hand. When he was finished she fixed him with that look that meant she was about to say something that Paul had better listen to.
“Paul, I know you’ve been struggling with this for a long time. I’m conflicted too, because I believe God has put some kind of call on your life to lead other people in the life of the church. At the same time, I see how you fight against all the structures and craziness that happens in the church. Maybe it’s just that the time isn’t right for you. Maybe God’s timetable is just different from ours.”
Different from ours. Paul wondered if she was referring to a timetable
