the staff, everyone assumed that she couldn’t talk. I did too. As I opened my mouth to try to produce meaning, Ms. Maggie spoke, “God is just as crazy as us. God lives here.” Everyone was stunned. I listened to the silence. Holiness swept the room and we all knew that there was nothing left to stay. God wasn’t with the patients metaphorically. God was with them in actuality. I never heard Ms. Maggie speak again. Despite my efforts to the contrary, the hospital sent her to the state mental hospital. I don’t know what happened to her. I only know that her words are still with me.
People think that God is way off somewhere. People think that God has nothing in common with humans. People think that God is something other. I want people to know that God is more like them than not. God exists in the image of humans. We know that from our creation. In the midst of a psychotic breakdown, I remember Tonya crying out, “I need a God that is just as fucked up as me.” A God that is not mentally ill cannot connect with those who are. Those who are mentally ill cannot intimately connect with a God who is not. By that time, I’d thought about it enough. God is mentally ill. God knows what we’re going through. God is depressed. God is manic. God has unwanted thoughts. God has multiple personalities. God has it all. I’ve met God in all of these spaces.
Homeless, Lester prayed on the ground outside of our church. For over three weeks, I just passed by. Honestly, I was scared of what he might do. Knowing that he had serious mental issues, I didn’t want to trigger him. One night, I was going to simply pass again. Then, he called out to me, “Hey preacher man! You got a God for me?” After thinking for a minute, I said, “What would you say about a mentally ill God?” For many months, we talked and dreamed. The mentally ill and God became one.
Laurie’s words were disturbing. Knowing that I studied theology, she always talked about fucking God in the ass. It seemed every night the descriptions got more colorful and intense. I tried to block her out. When you rent in the same place as someone, there is only so much you can do. I wondered if she was possessed. I had no idea what was going on. In a moment of vulnerability, Laurie told me that she was “brainsick.” I believed her. Not long after she told me this, Laurie went back to the bullshit. The words just kept coming. One evening, I came in and Laurie was talking suicide. Looking at me, Laurie asked, “What does your God have to say about being messed up in the head?” I replied, “God is mentally ill. God is in you right now. God created you this way.” Putting down the thoughts of suicide, Laurie kept going.
I met Paul at church. I’ll never forget the first night. We were living in a small place and going to a small church. Though our theology only occasionally matched their theology, we found community there. Paul gave all he had to the lights and the movements of the rhythm. While the band played, he would spit on the floor, raise his hands in the air and drop to roll around in his own spit. This was Paul’s way of praising God. Folks at the church didn’t like it. I’ve always thought it funny that religious folk like to talk about how much they love the homeless until they actually show up. Rolling in his spit, Paul got louder and louder. Some of the guys in the church moved to eject him. I stepped in. Looking one of those cats right in the eye, I declared, “If you kick him out, you are kicking out the very presence of God. Have you never read Matthew 25 asshole?” The church backed off and the service concluded. Ashamed of how he was treated, I invited Paul to stay with us. On the first night, Paul talked about killing us. On the second night, Paul described how he was going to kill us. On the third night, we felt like Paul was ready to try. Unfortunately, Paul got more violent by the hour. My wife called the police. Later, I had to testify for him to be involuntarily committed to the state mental hospital. During the proceedings, I was asked, “Do you worship the same God as Paul?” I didn’t hesitate, “Of course. We’ve found the God that is as crazy as we are.”
Before creation, God existed in the darkness. There was nothing and everything at the same time. Regardless of what was, God was really messed up. There was a loneliness that was excruciating. There were multiple personalities fighting for dominance. God didn’t know who or what to trust. Could God trust God’s own consciousness? God’s existence was like being locked in a padded room with no light. God had all sorts of things in God’s mind. God just didn’t know what to do with them. There was such a struggle. Sometimes we talk so much that it sounds like there are all types of people around. Did God fight Satan in heaven or was this actually a story of psychological warfare? Maybe Satan is just the name of the mental illness of God. Maybe Satan isn’t bad at all. Maybe Satan is just a part of who God is. “Breakdown” is about engaging the eternal problems and afflictions of a mentally ill God before creation.
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