of our parents or caregivers were like, it may help us understand what shaped their behavior and made them into the people they are.
Did they have loving influences in their early years? Was there a lot of pain and anguish? Did their little spirits retreat from an unrelenting stream of abuse and mistreatment? What did their lessons in love look like?
It can be very difficult to shower love and affection on someone when your own wellspring of emotion was never filled or replenished. We learned how to express love and kindness from those who expressed love and kindness towards us, but if our caregivers were never shown how to do that, how could they possibly have loved us the way we needed them to?
The more we understand how and why our family members behaved as they did, the clearer the path towards forgiveness. We must remember, however, forgiveness does not mean condoning behavior. It simply means we understand where that behavior comes from, and we make the decision to no longer let it influence us.
When we are flooded with the memories from past negative experiences, it is important to allow ourselves to completely feel the emotion of it. Conjuring up painful memories is a very uncomfortable process, but they are just memories, and the actions that precipitated those feelings are no longer present. We are in control now and we are safe. Once we allow ourselves to feel the pain, then we can release it. We can cry it out, scream it out, pray it out, or just close our eyes and imagine the hurt draining out of our bodies with each exhaled breath. And each time the pain rises up, we can acknowledge it, feel it, and release it. If we fight the emotions and try to block them out, all we are doing is holding them tighter to us. We need to call them out and release them.
This is an exercise that will probably need to be repeated again and again, but each time we do it, each time we allow ourselves to feel the pain associated with the memory, and then let it go, the pain will become less and less until the day comes when we are no longer held captive by it.
It can be a bit like watching a scary movie. The first time we watch the film our reactions are very strong. However, if we watch the movie again and again, our reactions become less pronounced. If we continue to watch the film, we will get to a point where the scary parts no longer shake us to the core.
It is the same with unpleasant memories that have created anguish in our heart. Each time we allow ourselves to feel the pain, and each time we acknowledge what happened in the past, we become less captive by it. We realize that now we are in the driver’s seat, that we are in control. We are safe to feel the emotion, and we can work on setting ourselves free.
When we are aware of our family’s history and dynamic, we can make better, more informed choices for our own lives, as well as for the lives of those who come after us. We cannot change our past, and it will always be a part of us. But we do not have to continue to carry the heavy chains that were forged by pain and anger, and passed down through the generations. We can be the change that puts our family’s story on a smoother, gentler track. Remember, we will be part of the past that future generations will look back on, so what do we want them to see? Our strength, our grace, and our humanity, or that we continued to carry pain and heartache, and pass it onto the next generation?
Just the fact some of us are alive today is an incredible testament to our family’s will to survive. The lives of our ancestors were much different than what we are experiencing today. Their time on earth was probably very difficult. They would have made tremendous sacrifices, endured back-breaking work, and faced painful and difficult choices. Whatever their circumstances, a tenacious, driving spirit would have carried them through, and we have inherited that spirit, that incredible strength that helped our ancestors through wars, famines, depressions, and loss.
Regardless of what other attributes they carried with them, our ancestors were survivors, and so are we. There will always be days when we feel overwhelmed and vulnerable, but if we have faith that our family’s strength of spirit beats strong and true within us, and that God’s divine love is ever present, that will be the legacy we carry into the future.
Our history, like the delicate Forget-Me-Not tells us, is full of precious stories and interesting people. We are all sewn into the embroidered lace of our family’s tale. Let’s make an effort to understand our past, embrace our present, and make our lives a beautiful and inspiring chapter for future generations to discover.
Western Canada Violet
The aspen grove is quiet and still this morning. Only the occasional trill from the Savannah Sparrows filters through the calm. I know I am not entirely alone in this beautiful place.
The air is redolent from the fertile loam, inviting my lungs to drink in the delightfully rich breath of nature. On the matted forest floor I find a Western Canada Violet poking its timid little head out from a crowd of heart-shaped leaves. Five creamy-white petals cling together at a center point, with dark veins radiating subtle bursts of tawny brown and gray from the middle. This violet has chosen a very tranquil and secluded place to make its home. It is this seclusion that enables it to survive.
Sweet, sweet solitude. How many of us dream of periods of quiet calmness in which to rest our frantic minds and bodies? Or of a time when life slows down for an hour so we can get our thoughts in order? Even if we achieve that, some of us are afraid to be alone for very long because that might mean we are not wanted, that we are ignored by the world, that we have been shut out. No one wants to be left out or forgotten, and while we yearn for some alone time, many of us also resist the urge to be on our own for very long.
We have always been social beings. Our ancestors traveled in packs because traveling alone meant they were vulnerable to attack from another tribe or perhaps an animal. They knew there was safety in numbers. Today we carry that primordial instinct to remain with the group, and even though we do not need to fear a lion attack when we are on our own, many of us are still uncomfortable with solitude. We have now replaced the lions with the societal expectations of remaining constantly connected to other people.
In this day and age it is so easy to avoid solitude. We are perpetually connected to the world through our cell phones, social media, and the television remote. What will people say if we choose to be on our own instead of caught up in the flush of society? What will people think if we decide not to “do lunch” or volunteer for a half dozen charities? How will it look if we sit by ourselves in the park? No one wants to be branded a “loner,” so we fill our lives with activities and noises to dispel all thoughts of aloneness. We want to show the world that we are popular and wanted. We want to convince ourselves of the same.
And yet, spending time quietly on our own is so important and necessary for our well-being. Solitude is not the same as being lonely. Loneliness happens when we are scattered and disconnected from ourselves and our Creator. By comparison, solitude paves the way for our mind, body, and spirit to unite and recharge, and allows us to connect to God and listen to his subtle guidance. We need to focus inward on who we are, and begin to reintroduce and reconnect all the parts of our being. Solitude helps to make us complete and whole.
Being alone gives us the time and space needed to process the events of our lives. It allows us to reflect on how we are doing, what we are thinking, how we are feeling, and where we want to go in life. As we journey along life’s path, there are things that take time to reveal themselves to us, but if we do not slow down and pay attention to those directions, we may miss them completely. When we are quiet, we can more easily hear the inspired song that our heart and soul are singing. We cannot hear these important messages when we are standing in a crowded room with our attention being pulled to and fro, or frantically scrolling through social media so we will not miss anything.
Solitude is
