left, but he also had to find a way to stand up for himself, or at least handle himself with dignity when insulted or provoked. Don realized that these two resolutions might work against each other in this current environment with its subtle and disingenuous rules of engagement. Suddenly some long-ago advice of his mother on how to stand up for yourself came to mind: “Don’t yield your position, don’t bluster either, but maintain with dignity a position you hold dear.” It hadn’t worked with bullies, but maybe it would here if he could bring his anger under control. Deep down Don suspected only a transformational experience, hopefully involving his faith, would liberate him from the anger that imprisoned him. Despite his ruminations Don had not succeeded in motivating himself to get up and go to his next class. He then recalled that the girl he had met in the bookstore was in his Intro to Church History class that met the following morning. Perhaps he could find an opportunity to talk to her again. He knew he needed to be low key and not appear too needy or he would scare her away. He had decided to skip that afternoon’s class to give himself time to calm down. Still the prospect of running into her gave him the motivation he needed to resume going to class the next day.
Friends and Would-Be Lovers
Don’s mother knew he had something of an anger problem after middle school. She had taught him to count to ten, when angry, before reacting and if that didn’t help to pray as well. Don had discovered this didn’t work for him, particularly if he felt bullied. His anger rose within him too quickly. He had to be prepared for those occasions that provoked his anger. Don resolved to come up with his own strategies. When around anyone who might potentially give him a hard time, he had taught himself to look serious and detached from his feelings. A certain intensity he naturally projected at school and in new social situations also helped to keep anyone from getting too close to him that he didn’t want to get to know. The only thing that had worried him was that the image he projected at such times came too easily, and too closely reminded him of his father’s behavior with everyone, including the family. His father lived by what he considered to be the manly maxim of “don’t complain, don’t explain.” It had worked for him in situations where complaining was not constructive. Don’s father, however, had conflated it to mean don’t share feelings and you won’t feel vulnerable. Don had grown more generally reserved with people since the accident. He knew, though, that it could impede healthy relationships with those he chose to develop or maintain close ties with.
Don resolved to never act that way around those he let into his inner circle. Nor would he ever let alcohol become an additional coping mechanism. Although a negative motivation for him, Don did not want to become the abusive alcoholic his father had been. He would use emotional detachment as long as it worked for him, and had assumed as a teenager that he would naturally outgrow this behavior as an adult. Don came to realize later that such behavior can be modified over time, but once it had become habituated behavior it was hard to shed entirely. During high school, and even into college, it had worked well in defusing loud obnoxious wise asses. Less nobly he had used such behavior to end relationships with girls with whom he had only been semiserious. He was just waking up to the realization that such past behavior while not patronizing or elitist had been every bit as disingenuous, and could be cruel as well.
The last girl he had dated back in Kentucky, a girl named Jill, had been taken with Don enough to continue pursuing him despite his melancholy, a behavior that after the accident had compounded his chilling out behavior. Don knew there was much of the lost little boy about him, and suspected Jill had been drawn to him by a desire to save him. The problem was Don did not want to be saved. Unwilling to share his deeper personal feelings, their time together, usually spent at Jill’s house watching TV on the couch in the family room, inevitably ended the same way. After Jill had made repeated attempts to get Don to open up, and told him how good a listener she was, Don would find an excuse to leave. Eventually he just stopped taking Jill’s phone calls. Don had not consciously been cruel. It would take a long time before Don realized that while keeping people at a distance lessoned the chance of an angry confrontation, it also prevented anyone who might cause him to expose feelings he was not ready to deal with from getting too close.
But Don was in a very different environment and set of circumstances now. He had come to the seminary seeking answers, albeit rational ones, for the questions he had stemming from the accident about injustice and suffering. He now sensed that the kind of callousness he had shown toward former friends and girlfriends would only worsen his precarious status here at the seminary. Somehow despite his tendency to keep people at a distance emotionally Don knew he would have to open himself up enough to make some friends, or at least a friend, and possibly a girlfriend if he was to survive psychologically in this place. Even if it consisted of only a few individuals Don knew he needed emotional support to survive in an environment where he felt like such a misfit. Considering this prospect scared him, and went against what felt natural to him, but for the first time, in some small way, it felt alluring too.
The next morning Don headed out to his church history class. He was determined to keep a low profile and his nose to the academic grindstone. Still smoldering from the dean’s dressing down, he had become even more determined not to let him win by forcing him out of the seminary. Don entered the classroom, which was on the ground floor of the same building where he had his unfortunate exchange, on the second floor, with Wilson. As Don walked into the classroom, students were milling around looking for seats. Don quickly found his seat toward the middle of the room. He leaned over sideways to take his textbook and notebook out of his backpack. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Wendy sitting a couple rows over. He paused just long enough to stare at her. Sensing that someone was looking at her, she turned her head sideways briefly and smiled shyly in Don’s direction. Don suddenly felt his face flush red. He smiled back and averted his gaze as he sat back up. For the rest of the class Don kept glancing over at Wendy, only to have Wendy sense this each time and return a friendly, but fleeting smile. Don was sure this was a sign she was interested in him and would not be doing this if she was trying to discourage his attention. Wouldn’t she then just ignore him? Neither, Don suspected, was she going to get caught up in some in ongoing class flirtation. Her looks and smiles were friendly but discreet.
Sensing this, Don tried hard to return his focus to the lecture, but try as he might he kept finding himself distracted by Wendy. It didn’t help that Canfield had a monotone delivery that rivaled that of Ben Stein. A tall, thin man, he had the peculiar habit of grasping the sides of the lectern with his hands, then with elbows turned out he would lurch forward as he lectured, pushing his head and neck out to the edge of the podium. This had earned him the nickname of “the vulture.” About an hour into the lecture another sight began to distract Don. At the very front of the class a student named Fred had fallen asleep in the center front row of the classroom just below the lecture podium. He looked like a kill the vulture had just dropped. Fred had fallen asleep so soundly that he had planted his forehead on the desk, with his arms hanging by his sides. This was not the first time Fred had fallen asleep in class. Fred was almost always one of the last to enter class. The seats up front were usually the last seats filled, and this helped set up the worst possible scenario with somnolent Fred having to listen to the school’s most monotonous lecturer in the worst possible location. It had been apparent to most of the class that this is what had led to Fred’s semicomatose state. Over the last few classes Don had seen a few students snicker when five minutes into the lecture Fred could be seen getting the nods. His head doing a good imitation of a pigeon feeding. In Fred’s defense Don had noticed numerous students at the front of the class also getting the nods, which then resembled a group of pigeons feeding, but Fred was the only one who ended up looking like his forehead was glued to his desk.
Meanwhile the vulture, oblivious to the impact his lecture was having on poor Fred, had just kept droning on. Don glanced sideways at Wendy again and sensing his look she turned toward him and smiled. Don smiled back and nodded in Fred’s direction. At first Wendy gave Don a puzzled look, but when Don nodded, and motioned his head in Fred’s direction again, Wendy looked and seeing Fred in uninhibited deep sleep glanced back at Don with an acknowledging smile. After what seemed like an interminable period of time the bell rang, signaling the
