and ended up living with a group of people. Eventually she married Sam. At that time religion was not important.
Sam was raised within the Orthodox Church. He was an altar boy but he got turned off as a young teen and left the church. He has never really gone back. He’s not antireligious, just indifferent. His attitude is basically, “If you need it, fine, but I don’t and I won’t.” He jokes about being the black sheep of his family. He had been a good provider, and a faithful husband.
As a young adult Sarah’s involvement in the church was sporadic. Sarah pretty much went along with her early childhood pattern regarding religion and the church until she had a powerful religious dream in which Jesus spoke to her. That dream became a turning point which marked a conversion in her life. She began to discuss spiritual ideas with friends whom she respected. She started praying and reading devotional books, the Bible, and theology. She had lots of questions and became hungry to know God. She started participating in an evangelical conservative Bible study. Slowly she began to visit various congregations to find something for her children and herself. She has continued to blossom and grow, and, at times, thrive. Currently she is active in a congregation as a follower of Jesus.
Her husband, however, has not followed her lead. He is the same conscientious, hardworking, fun loving, thrifty guy. He is a good man, but not perfect. Her Christian faith and growth have at times caused tensions around parenting, finances, extended family, and goals for the future. One day we were visiting and she freely admitted, “Knowing what I know now, if I had to do it over again, I would probably not marry Sam. When we met and began a relationship, I was not a practicing Christian.” Lots of other women and some men might say something similar. It can be hard pulling together when you’re “unevenly yoked.”
One of the temptations in being married to a non-Christian, according to Sarah, is to avoid making waves. “You try not to bring up the subject of God or the church or the Bible or prayer or giving money.”
I’ve watched many people tiptoe around spiritual things with a non-believing spouse. The danger I see in being quiet about your beliefs is you may end up compromising your own relationship with God but also your spouse or any children. If we lie to keep the peace at home, then everybody loses. God wants to be our first love, not just an equal to our spouse, children, partner, or parents.
I know a single woman who has made a commitment to her boyfriend. He is capable, intelligent, and likable. He is very clear about not sharing her belief in God. Now, it doesn’t mean he won’t change, but she cannot assume that. The belief that God was in Jesus is basic to who she is. I can see potential problems down the road if they decide to marry or have children. Jesus was very clear that loyalty to him and the Father takes precedence over loyalty to our family. One of the wrinkles in this scenario is that the woman, like Sarah, is not clear in her own mind about how important she wants God to be in her life.
I grew up in a household where my own father was not a practicing Christian, yet my mother was an active church member. Early on I became aware of my mother’s frustration and the pain and disappointment a spiritually divided household can cause. Although my mother taught us to be Christians, my father’s lack of involvement undermined her example.
One summer I was hiking in Scotland with a man close to sixty. Ken said, “My wife is not a Christian, but I hope she will become one someday. My daughters are not Christians either, although they’re both spiritual. They’re young and need a little hardship in their lives before they’ll feel a need to turn to God. My wife, on the other hand, has always been a loner. She suffers from low self-esteem. I have asked a few trusted friends to pray for her, but not publicly.” Can you hear the ache, the yearning, the hope that perhaps one day we who share human love will share divine love before one of us dies? When a couple shares not only their lives but God’s life, it can open up sharing more deeply in many areas.
Questions for Reflection
• If you are married to “a good person” who is not Christian, how has their lack of faith or a different belief from your own beliefs impacted the marriage?
• Is there someone who might pray for them or engage them in conversation and invite them to consider the words and life of Jesus?
Prayer
• Maker of all, help me to not get in the way of your efforts to reach my beloved nonbeliever but to be a loving and truthful channel of your grace, along with others, to them. Amen.
Single, Sexual, and Whole
A professional woman who lives in another state usually stops for an overnight stay at our house on her way to visit her parents in British Columbia. She is in her forties, a practicing Christian who has never married. She has been very involved in her local congregation and its ministry in the community. This year during her visit I inquired if I could ask her a personal question based on our long years of friendship. “Sure,” she replied.
“How do you deal with your sexual needs as a single Christian woman?”
She blushed and I assured her she could pass on the question. Then she braced herself and said the following, “I don’t date a lot. My friends help. Actually, my friends are amazing. Anyone would want them as friends. We do all sorts of things together: picnics in the park, progressive dinners, birthday parties, bike trips, backpacking trips, camping trips. Now and then we go to a play or the ballet. Sometimes we’ll visit a museum or listen to a jazz group. We go for walks at the lake. We may eat popcorn and watch a video. I enjoy my friends so much.”
“Are these friends all single?”
“No, some of them are married. Several have children, but these are usually adult outings. She continued, “I miss being married. I know some people who will marry a strange guy and those of us who know her through work or socially can’t believe it. Just to legalize having sex or own property? It’s not worth it. We’re talking about messing up my life. I like my life.”
She smiled and I said, “Thanks.” the conversation changed to another subject.
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