convoys, dumps, bridges, people, elephants andall the rest.
he told me later, I
felt bad about the
elephants.
they say that
nothing is wasted:
either that
or
it all is.
(uncollected)
the last days of the suicide kid
I can see myself now
after all these suicide days and nights,
being wheeled out of one of those sterile rest homes
(of course, this is only if I get famous and lucky)
by a subnormal and bored nurse …
there I am sitting upright in my wheelchair …
almost blind, eyes rolling backward into the dark part of my skull looking
for the mercy of death …
“Isn’t it a lovely day, Mr. Bukowski?”
“O, yeah, yeah …”
the children walk past and I don’t even exist
and lovely women walk by
with big hot hips
and warm buttocks and tight hot everything
praying to be loved
and I don’t
even exist …
“It’s the first sunlight we’ve had in 3 days,
Mr. Bukowski.”
“Oh, yeah, yeah.”
there I am sitting upright in my wheelchair,
myself whiter than this sheet of paper,
bloodless,
brain gone, gamble gone, me, Bukowski,
gone …
“Isn’t it a lovely day, Mr. Bukowski?”
“O, yeah, yeah …” pissing in my pajamas, slop drooling out of my mouth.
2 young schoolboys run by—
“Hey, did you see that old guy?”
“Christ, yes, he made me sick!”
after all the threats to do so
somebody else has committed suicide for me at last.
the nurse stops the wheelchair, breaks a rose from a nearby bush, puts it in my hand.
I don’t even know
what it is. it might as well be my pecker
for all the good
it does.
he has on blue jeans and tennis shoes
and walks with two young girls
about his age.
every now and then he leaps
into the air and
clicks his heels together.
he’s like a young colt
but somehow he also reminds me
more of a tabby cat.
his ass is soft and
he has no more on his mind
than a gnat.
he jumps along behind his girls
clicking his heels together.
then he pulls the hair of one
runs over to the other and
squeezes her neck.
he has fucked both of them and
is pleased with himself.
it has all happened
so easily for him.
and I think, ah,
my little tabby cat
what nights and days
wait for you.
your soft ass
will be your doom.
your agony
will be endless
and the girls
who are yours now
will soon belong to other men
who didn’t get their cookies
and cream so easily and
so early.
the girls are practicing on you
the girls are practicing for other men
for someone out of the jungle
for someone out of the lion cage.
I smile as
I watch you walking along
clicking your heels together.
my god, boy, I fear for you
on that night
when you first find out.
it’s a sunny day now.
jump
while you
