push Amundsen off the bed and make go away now eyes. He’s a colossal disappointment. He drifts around dumbly, licking cushions and jumping at moths and eating his own vomit. I wanted a dog that would save my life, like Lassie, so that we could become an inseparable and inspiring team, capable of astounding feats of strength and bravery. Amundsen does nothing. If you put a blanket over his head, he instantly falls asleep.
Aslam calls while the kettle’s boiling. He sounds excited and his words are melting together. He wants me to go to a house party on Huntsdon Street.
‘No,’ I say. ‘Absolutely not. I’m going to make a Nesquik tea and have a bath and watch Frozen Planet in bed.’ Aslam’s already called four times today, inviting me to two house parties, Shanghai Palace, and a clearing on the hill where Sam said people sometimes go to do dogging. Usually, he doesn’t try to invite me to these things because I get anxious in crowded places and start to scratch my hands. When we spend time together we spend it in my bedroom or his bedroom or Alice’s bedroom.
‘Frozen Planet’s gay,’ Aslam says. ‘Stop being a pussy and come.’
‘It’s educational, poignant, and beautifully shot.You’re gay.’
‘Fine,’ he says. ‘Aaron Mathews is going.’ Aaron Mathews tried to rape Alice with kisses at a party while I was visiting Gran in Leicester. She called me at 3.00 a.m. and loudly cried for twenty-five minutes. He doesn’t go to our school and I have never seen him.
‘No, he isn’t,’ I say.
‘He is. And we can fucking smash his dick in. Elliot’s coming. And Hattie.’
‘Are you lying?’
‘I am not lying.’
‘If you are lying, I am going to smash your dick in. Also I think I am not capable of smashing dicks in so I might just break his phone or something.’
‘Yeah, you can. I’ll hold him down and you can crush his balls with a hammer.’
‘I’m not going to do that.’
‘Well, you should.’
‘Why are you going?’
‘For you.’
‘And?’
‘And also for Amy.’
‘I don’t know who that is.’
‘I told you. I linked to her YouTube. She makes videos of herself miming to rap songs. She’s gone viral. I’m going to marry her.’
I laugh. ‘I’ll meet you by the sign in an hour. I’m going now. The kettle’s boiled.’
‘Good. Bye.’
I put a teaspoon of strawberry Nesquik and a teabag into my Forever Friends mug and add water. My hand is shaking slightly. I’m thinking of Alice and Aaron Mathews. I’m imagining a tall boy with impressive facial hair pressing his mouth against her neck while simultaneously squeezing her bum and left boob. I don’t know if that’s possible. I try it on an imaginary Alice and find that it’s awkward and uncomfortable, but not impossible.
I feel small.
Like a field mouse lost in a supermarket.
Amundsen headbutts my knee and does a whine. He’s dribbling and wagging his tail. I empty a can of tripe into his bowl and carry his bowl out onto the patio. Amundsen pushes his whole head into the bowl, motorboating his food. He lifts up his head and blobs of tripe are clinging to his nostrils. He walks towards me and I back quickly out of the room.
I climb back into bed and turn on my computer. I meet Alice. We say hellos. She says she’s having fun and that she has to go soon. I ask what they’ve been doing. She says they’ve been sunbathing and swimming. I say that sounds great. We watch a video of two men being killed. The men are members of a drug cartel. They are sat shirtless on a dirt floor, backs against a concrete wall. The first man gets beheaded with a chainsaw. He falls onto the other man. The other man stays sat up and the shape of his face doesn’t change and they kill him with a bowie knife. It takes longer and involves less fireworks.
‘That one was good,’ she says. ‘I’ve got to go. We’re going out for dinner.’
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘I miss you.’
‘I miss you too.’
Elliot Trump has uploaded new pictures.
Katya De Vangelo has got Joseph Gordon-Levitt, popcorn and rosé ready for a night in with the girlies.
Carly Yates thinks that some people can just fuck off.
Horney milf wants you’re cum
Sentence:ass raping til death
Dirty brit amateur swingers fuck in woods
A man and a woman are sitting side by side on thrones. They are wearing crowns and medieval clothing. The woman says that she wants King Dick to come back because her vagina is lonely. The man next to her says he is Prince Dick and he gently presses her thigh as she bites into a turkey leg. She shouts for the archery competition to begin. Amundsen wanders back into my room, sniffs at nothing and lies down on the rug. Three men in medieval clothing pull out their dicks and start fiercely masturbating while aiming at a target ten feet away. I feel confused. I don’t understand.
Carrie Machell is in a relationship.
I have won a free Macbook.
I take the sock off my dick and throw it at Amundsen.
2
Elliot and Hattie are kneeling on the pavement, rubbing Quiniderm into each other’s cheeks. Aslam’s leaning against the street sign. It’s cold. He’s holding a two-litre bottle of Tesco cola and a half-empty bottle of Captain Morgan’s, looking at something in the sky. The blurry orange streetlight overhead lights up his face and puts his reflection in a puddle between his feet. He flaps his arms.
‘Argh,’ I shout.
‘Bah,’ Aslam shouts.
‘Etgar,’ Hattie says.
‘Hi.’
‘Hold this,’ Aslam says. I take the bottle of cola out of his hands and sit crosslegged on the tarmac, wedging it in the triangle of my legs. I unscrew the cap and grip it while he pours in rum. It splashes my hands. I spit and rub them on my jumper. Hattie crouches down and reaches into her bag.
‘Etgar,’ she says. ‘I got you something.’ She passes me a lump of yellow metal.
‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘What is it?’
Aslam yawns and rum runs down my finger gaps.
‘It’s a knuckleduster. You put your fingers through the holes.’
‘Do you have Parkinson’s?’
‘I
