to be staring at me, like an old friend. There is a quote below his image.
We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
‘I have a feeling about you, Tom. You have to trust your feelings, don’t you?’
‘I suppose so,’ I say, though feelings were the one thing I had never trusted.
She smiles.
I smile.
I stand up, and head to the door. ‘See you in September.’
‘Ha! September. September. It will fly by. Time, you see. That’s another thing about getting older. Time speeds up.’
‘I wish,’ I whisper.
But she doesn’t hear, because then she says, ‘And children.’
‘Sorry?’
‘Children are another thing that seem to make life go faster. I have three. Oldest is twenty-two. Graduated last year. Yesterday she was playing with her Lego; today she’s collecting the keys to her new flat. Twenty-two years in a blink of an eye. Do you have any?’
I grip the door handle. This is a moment, too. And inside it, a thousand others come painfully alive.
‘No,’ I say, because it is easier than the truth, ‘I don’t.’
She seems, for a brief moment, a little awkward. I think she is about to comment on this but instead she says, ‘See you soon, Mr Hazard.’
I step out into the corridor that smells of the same disinfectant, where two teenagers lean against the wall, staring down at their phones as devoutly as old priests with prayer books. I turn back to see Daphne looking towards her computer.
‘Yes. See you soon.’
As I walk out of Daphne Bello’s office, and out of the school, I am in the twenty-first century but also the seventeenth.
As I walk the mile or so to Chapel Street – a stretch of betting shops and pavements and bus-stops and concrete lampposts and half-hearted graffiti – I am almost in a trance. The streets feel too wide. And when I get to Chapel Street I discover what I of course know: the houses that had once been there no longer are, replaced by ones built in the late 1800s, tall and red-bricked and as austere as the time of their design.
At the corner, where I had known a small deserted church, and a watchman, there is now a KFC. The red plastic throbs like a wound. I walk along with my eyes closed, trying to sense how far along the street the house had originally been and I come to a stop after twenty or so steps. I open my eyes to see a semi-detached house that bears no physical relation to the house I had arrived at all those centuries ago. The unmarked door is now a modern blue. The window reveals a living room complete with a TV. Someone is playing a video game on it. An alien explodes on the screen.
My headache pounds and I feel weak and I have to step back, almost as if the past is something that could thin the air, or affect the laws of gravity. I lean back against a car, lightly, but enough to set off the alarm.
And the noise is loud, like a wail of pain, howling all the way from 1623, and I walk briskly away from the house, then the street, wishing I could just as easily walk away from the past.
London, 1623
I have been in love only once in my life. I suppose that makes me a romantic, in a sense. The idea that you have one true love, that no one else will compare after they have gone. It’s a sweet idea, but the reality is terror itself. To be faced with all those lonely years after. To exist when the point of you has gone.
And my point, for a while, was Rose.
But after she was gone so many of the good memories were clouded by the last. An end that was also a terrible beginning. That final day I had with her. Because it is this day, the one where I headed to Chapel Street to see her, that has defined so many over the centuries.
So . . .
I was standing outside her door.
I had knocked and waited and knocked again.
The watchman, who I had passed at the corner of the street, was now approaching.
‘It is a marked house, lad.’
‘Yes. I know that.’
‘You must not go in there . . . It is unsafe.’
I held out my hand. ‘Stand back. I am cursed with it too. Do not get any closer.’
This was a lie, of course, but an effective one. The watchman stepped back away from me, with considerable haste.
‘Rose,’ I said, through the door. ‘It’s me. It’s me. Tom. I just saw Grace. By the river. She told me you were here . . .’
It took a while, but I heard her voice, from inside. ‘Tom?’
It had been years since I had heard that voice.
‘Oh, Rose, open the door. I need to see you.’
‘I can’t, Tom. I am sick.’
‘I know. But I won’t catch it. I have been around many plague sufferers these last months and I have had not so much as a cold. Come on, Rose, open the door.’
She did so.
And she was there, a woman. We were the same age, near enough, but now she looked like she was nearing fifty, while I still seemed a teenager.
Her skin was grey. Sores patterned her face like territories on a map. She could hardly stand up. I felt guilty that I had made her leave her bed but she seemed pleased to see me. She talked, semi-coherently, as I helped her back into bed.
‘You look so young, still . . . You are still a young man . . . a boy, almost.’
‘I have a little line, in my forehead. Look.’
I held her hand. She couldn’t see the line.
‘I am sorry,’ she said. ‘I am sorry I told you to leave.’
‘It was the right thing. Just my existence was a danger to you.’
I should also say, in case it needs saying: I don’t know for sure that the words I write were the words that were actually spoken. They probably weren’t. But this is how I remember these things, and all we can ever be is faithful to our memories of reality, rather than the reality itself, which is something closely related but never precisely the same thing.
Though I am absolutely sure, word for word, she then said: ‘There is a darkness that fringes everything. It is a most horrid ecstasy.’ And I felt the horror of her horror. That, I suppose, is a price we pay for love: the absorbing of another’s pain as if our own.
She drifted in and out of delirium.
The illness was taking further hold, almost by the minute. She was now the opposite of me. While for me life
