turns to smash the wood. I broke it in half with no problem. It made me feel quite good. Left hand as well. I passed the test. Though I didn’t need to break any wood when I met Suzanne. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone at the time, as I was busy working. She worked in a newsroom at a local radio station in Manchester where I was doing some work in the evenings. I wanted a hot chocolate but had no money, so I asked her if I could borrow 20p. She said yes and then never asked for it back, so I thought ‘she’s alright’ and I’ve been with her ever since. I know Disney wouldn’t buy my story to make into a romantic cartoon, but I think our relationship is built on what’s important. Romantic films have got to be responsible for most divorces – people are trying to live in a make-believe world. Suzanne buying me that hot chocolate is certainly a better reason to be with someone than that bloke who went out with Cinderella cos her foot fitted a glass slipper he found on the street. Isn’t picking someone based on the size of their feet a bit of a gamble? I mean, a slipper suggests she does very little, anyway. And a glass one at that. The noise alone would do my head in. Then there’s the fact she lost it. I don’t want to be going out with someone who’s constantly losing shoes.
Vinnie went over a few different ways to approach chatting to a woman using Alice, his assistant, in the role-play.
VINNIE: If you don’t know what to say, tell her, ‘I got no clue what to say, but you’re really cute.’ When you do that, they’ve got to at least say hello. (Alice chuckles) No, seriously. ‘I’m Vince, what’s your name?’
ALICE: Alice.
VINNIE: Alice, you have a strong handshake. Oh, let’s play who’s got the most bracelets! Let’s see, how many bracelets do you have?
ALICE: Seven.
VINNIE: Seven? Ah, too many to count. You’re cute. So, anyway, it will come, because when you’re closer to her she may talk to you, and you will notice things you can talk about.
I couldn’t do this sort of thing. It’s just not me at all, and I reckon women would see right through it. I wouldn’t approach a woman who is wearing a load of bangles, anyway, as the jangling noise would get on my nerves. It would be like going out with a bloody wind chime. Also, if I was a woman and the only word that could be used to describe me was ‘cute’ I would not be happy. Things that are ‘cute’ are usually also useless – they’re ‘cute’ because they’ve nothing else going for them. I’m sure that’s why babies are cute; otherwise most people wouldn’t have them, as they don’t bring much else to your life for years. I’m sure the only reason we try and save pandas from extinction is because people find them ‘cute’. The Cape stag beetle is on its way out, and no one gives a shit, as it’s not cute, is it?
Rather than chat-up lines and false charm I would get someone interested by telling them good animals facts like:
| • | Bats hang upside down even when they’re dead, as their claws automatically close. | |
| • | Wombat poo comes out in squares. | |
| • | A lot of koala bears have bad backs, as they sit up all day even though their spines aren’t designed for it. |
At least then, if they don’t like me, I haven’t totally wasted their time. They go away with a little nugget of information that they’ll remember, which also means they’ll remember me.
Next, Vinnie told us we were going to be walking on fire.
VINNIE: Why would we walk on fire? Well, most men see women who they want have goals and dreams, and they hesitate. So this is symbolic for charging forward. Interacting with women, you see her in the distance – what comes first? Foot first, everybody. What comes first?
MEN: Foot first.
It didn’t seem like a sensible thing to do, but neither did smashing a piece of wood with my hand. But I’d done that, so I thought I’d give this a go. Plus, I’d had a few verrucas of late from staying in hotels where the bath hadn’t been cleaned properly and I thought this might help get rid of them. While we took off our shoes and socks, Vinnie continued talking. It was relentless. He could do his speech in his sleep, that’s if he had time to sleep between all the having it away. If he wasn’t talking to us he was kissing Valerie, his French girlfriend.
I’m not a fan of people kissing in public either. Fine if it’s a quick peck, but when people are all over each other it does my head in. They seem to think it’s okay to do what they want because it’s ‘love’. Again, in the films when some bloke holds a plane up to get on board to propose to some woman and all the passengers cheer – it’s ridiculous! I wouldn’t feel like cheering. We’d probably have missed our take-off slot and we’d then be waiting on the tarmac for another forty-five minutes. Selfish, that’s what it is. It’s the same with Romeo and Juliet. She was shouting to him from her balcony, yet no one ever considers the person who lived in the ground-floor flat who might have been trying to sleep. As it happens, on this occasion I didn’t mind Vinnie kissing Valerie, as at least it meant he couldn’t speak.
Shoes and socks off, I joined the queue to fire walk. I was in agony. Not from walking on fire but from walking over to the fire. The ground was covered in sharp stones and bits of twig that I’m still removing from my feet now. Vinnie got us to chant ‘Sex NOW, Sex NOW’ as we waited in line. It came to my go. I don’t know what the fuss is about, as it actually didn’t hurt that much. Nowhere near as bad as walking over the ground to the fire. Once we crossed the coals everybody high-fived each other, and Vinnie told us we were ready to put what we’d learned into practice.
Vinnie had rented an apartment where we all met up at 7 p.m. It was a bit of a bachelor pad. Lots of black and red, dim lights, a round bed that rotated, and a shower that could fit fifteen people with a pole in it. I didn’t want to ask why you would want fifteen people in a shower cos I know for a fact that it isn’t because Vinnie wanted to be environmentally friendly. I don’t think I’ve ever had fifteen people in my house at the same time, never mind in my shower. And what is it with pole dancing? I don’t understand it. It seems like a wasted skill to me. Has anyone ever told one of them women who do it that they could probably make a fortune putting up scaffolding? They’d be able to do it in no time.
We headed to the Strip in a huge pink Hummer limo. It was stupidly long, like an aeroplane with the wings taken off. Inside, music was pumping. As we were driving about, Vinnie showed me some YouTube clips of him doing his thing around the world. Basically, videos of him going up to strangers and kissing them, and I’m not talking just a peck on the cheek either. It was like a front cover of a Mills & Boon paperback.
It was a cold night, and as we wandered about on the busy sidewalks Vinnie kept getting us to chant ‘Some will! Some won’t! So what!’, which must have been taught on another day of boot camp, as it was new to me. It has a bit more substance to it than the classic ‘It’s not gonna suck itself!’ Vinnie was also dishing out advice on how to approach girls.
VINNIE: Look both sides, be strong, you gotta go for it, start sooner and start stronger. What is it? Sooner and . . . ?
MAN:
