you cos they’re not watching where they’re going due to them reading an email or text on the move. Some people even read a book while walking from A to B. There was no way people could do anything but focus on where they were stepping in this neighbourhood.
It was annoying to think that there was a shovel hanging up in the Museum of Modern Art doing nothing. It was needed here.
KARL: And it’s definitely all dog?
JEREMY: Well, there have been some instances when it was human. You know it’s human if it’s up close against the wall. Because it’s physically impossible for a dog to press its ass against the wall.
KARL: So is that still game?
JEREMY: No, we stay away from that.
KARL: Fucking hell. What’s going on?! People are shitting on the streets.
I think this will end up being a problem in the UK as we seem to have sorted the dog shit issue at home by having loads of bins especially made for dog waste, but I’ve been in situations when I really need to go to the loo and there’s no public toilets around. I’ve been in loads of cafés and asked to use the loo, and they only let you use them if you buy something, which you don’t always want to do. It used to cost a penny. That’s where the saying ‘I’m off to spend a penny’ comes from. Now it may as well be ‘I’m off to buy a panini’, as that’s what you have to do. No wonder the country is becoming obese when you have to buy food to empty your bowels. I think human crap on the streets is going to be the new problem we’ll be facing at home.
Jeremy pulled a banana skin from his bag and edged the skin up close to a dog turd, so it looked like a brown banana.
JEREMY: To be very honest, I think this one is grossing me out a little bit. Some ideas don’t work. This one, I think, might be a little bit over the top for me. It could have been a great idea, but I think it’s . . . disgusting. It’s over the top.
JEFF: Don’t be so sure.
KARL: But if you call it ‘Pootassium’, because a banana is full of potassium, I think it takes away the harshness.
JEFF: That’s pretty good. I think Karl is right. Karl more than gets it . . . haha!
KARL: Are you getting enough pootassium?
JEREMY: Pootassium is really funny, it is really good. You saved it.
JEFF: I want to put that one up on Instagram.
I really wanted to get my idea started but was struggling to hunt down the right-shaped pieces I needed. No turd was the same, so I knew what I required must be out there. I even started to hang around a couple of dogs that looked like they were about to unload on the off chance they dropped off what I was looking for. I wouldn’t like to be a dog as I wouldn’t like to only be able to empty my guts when my owner takes me out. On top of that you have to do it while they stand there waiting. It puts me off when I go into the posh toilets in a restaurant where they have some bloke hanging about there waiting for you to come out and hand you a towel to dry your hands. I feel like I’m being timed. I always end up cutting it short.
I kept looking. Some were shaped like Twiglets, some like pretzels and others like walnuts. What I needed were a few loose pieces for my idea to work. As mad as this was, it felt like a lot more work than the boxing painting I had done with Ushio yesterday. While I was looking for the stools I required, Jeff and Jeremy had pulled out another prop. It was a pair of novelty 2015 New Year glasses and they were placing them on a dog poo that would act as a nose.
JEFF: Maybe. I mean it’s a little thin. So we’re gonna go right over the top here on this one. (getting camera steady) Then we’ll take a photo of it this way. And we’ll call it the ‘Happy New Year Shit Nose’.
JEREMY: Mainly we use iPhone cameras because the nicer cameras usually pick up too much of the detail, and when we print those out, it looks disgusting.
KARL: That one should be called ‘Happy Poo Year’.
JEFF: Happy Poo Year! Even better.
All my searching finally paid off. I found the droppings that would work for my piece at the back of a car park. Three small pieces, a few centimetres apart. I got out my Plasticine and rolled the first piece into a short stubby tail and stuck that down onto the tarmac a couple of centimetres away from one of the pieces of crap and then made another slightly thicker piece. I then borrowed some eyes from Jeremy’s craft box, which he carried with him. I stuck on the two eyes and stuck that down at the other end of the three pieces.
KARL: So, maybe the head coming out here. It’s not absolutely right but I think you can tell what I’m trying to make.
JEREMY: All of a sudden it kinda flows. It’s great. I think it’s working.
KARL: Yeah?
JEREMY: Oh boy . . . oh, it’s powerful.
KARL: So that’s it. This one is called ‘The Loch Mess Monster’.
The lads took photos of it. I’d got quite a bit of pleasure out of the day and was chuffed with what I’d created. Let me be clear here: it wasn’t something that I’d want to stick on the fireplace, but as art made out of a turd goes, I think I succeeded. I didn’t hang around to see what any passers-by thought of it, but I suppose as an artist you just put it out there and hope people like it.
As I left I’d been so busy looking at my art that I’d forgotten about my dangerous surroundings. I felt my foot slide. Oh shit.
BEAUTY FROM THE INSIDE
I’d been away for around a week and had been getting involved in some pretty odd art every day. So what came next didn’t seem too bizarre at the time. I think I’d become a bit immune to it all. I knew it was going to be a challenging day, and what made it harder was that I wasn’t allowed to eat for twenty-four hours, which is difficult as eating is what gets me through the hassles of the day. If something is annoying me, knowing that at some point soon I’ll be eating makes it easier to deal with. America is the worst place to be when you’re not able to eat, as you can’t avoid it – food is constantly in your face on billboards and on TV. The rest of the crew were eating, so I had to just sit and watch, and it’s never a quick activity in the States as the portions are massive. Food you didn’t even order gets brought to the table. Even when you ask for the bill it comes with fries.
You hear about some artists who die for their art. Well, the one I was about to meet dosen’t take it that far – she just gets sick. Literally. And the plan was for me to join her. But she didn’t want any food in the sick so this was why I was not allowed to eat. I’m rubbish at being sick. Loads of things can make me gag, but it very rarely follows through to full-blown eruption. I guess it’s like how some people are right-handed and others are left-handed; any badness tends to leave me via the other end rather than through the mouth. I’d honestly say that in my forty-three years of existence I think I’ve only been sick about nine or ten times. The last time was in 2010 during
