in this ‘telling’ role.
I must stress that I am not saying that it is wrong to tell someone what to do. I can already hear many of you out there justifying that ‘telling’ is a good and really helpful thing to do, and so I must take some time to clarify my intention in writing this book.
One thing I am absolutely sure of is that I would not be the person I am today if I had not had the benefit of interacting with people who typically ‘tell’. Indeed, certainly in my formative years, that was primarily the way I made sense of the world, how I worked out what was right and what was wrong, and how I became an educated and knowledgeable person who has built a successful life for herself.
So ‘telling’ definitely has a place in the world, and it is OK to continue to ‘tell’ in many areas of our lives, including our parenting roles. What I know from experience is that most people spend too much time ‘telling’ and not enough time ‘asking’, and this is the reason I am raising your awareness in this book of ‘TELLING’ versus ‘ASKING’.
Most of us conduct our lives in a space that we might refer to as ‘unconsciously competent’. What I mean by that is that we don’t think about what we do, we just do it. The main reason we don’t think about what we do is that we are too busy, and if we did think it would take much longer to get things done. So in most instances operating in this space is not necessarily a bad thing, particularly if we are getting the results that we want in our lives.
Where it can be dangerous, however, is when we think we are doing well with our habitual behaviours, but there is some knowledge that, if we became aware of it, would allow us to perform at a significantly higher level. If we are too busy to even recognise that there is an opportunity to be better than we already are, the result will be that we will keep doing what we have always done and miss out on an opportunity to be better.
If we step back from being ‘unconsciously competent’ at ‘telling’, and learn and practice the skill of ‘asking’ (which incidentally often means we feel less competent for a short while), we eventually return to being competent at both ‘asking’ and ‘telling’ and become much more rounded in our ability to communicate and to tap into the potential of others.
The skill of asking Better Questions is definitely something that can be life changing when we become aware of it, learn it and put it into practice. I constantly get feedback from people who tell me that they had no idea how much of a ‘teller’ they were, and that now that they have become aware of the option of being an ‘asker’ it has dramatically changed their experiences of parenting as well as radically improved their life in general. I have a term that I use for people who use Better Questions and that is a ‘Potentialiser’. The definition of this word that I use is a ‘releaser of amazingness in others’, and you will come to learn that better parents are ‘Potentialisers’.
The reality is that it is easier than you think to put the ‘asking’ process into practice, and I commend you for being prepared to step out of your comfort zone for a while by taking on board the messages outlined in this book. The old adage ‘no pain, no gain’ is definitely true when we are trying to learn a new skill, so be prepared for some internal resistance to these new ideas. After all, it is far easier to do what comes naturally than have to think about doing something differently!
I hope that you can see that there is no need to build a case for ‘telling’ or to provide you with any more skills in this area – you probably already do it extremely well! Remember, typically we already are good at ‘telling’ and have had it role-modelled into us for most of our lives. My aim in this book is to ask you to step out of your comfort zone of doing what you have always done, think about the ideas I present and have a go at putting them into practice. I guarantee you will be a better parent as a result!
If you are up for this, let me get started on inspiring you to be a Potentialiser in your parenting. I know that if you are able to better manage your parenting role, then your world, your child’s world and the world of those around you will become better places. If all parents were able to fulfil their roles in a better way, then the world really would become a better place – and it all started with YOU as the parent!
Chapter 1
Parenting hats
In your role as a parent, I am certain that you feel as if you have to wear many different hats; sometimes it feels like you have to wear many hats at the same time! I believe that the essential skill of being a great parent is knowing which is the right hat to wear at the right time and in the right way to best deal with the situation being faced. This choice is rarely straightforward, particularly when you are under pressure and juggling many priorities at the same time, as well as not really knowing what approach will give you the desired results. In addition, if you have more than one child, there is the added complication of having to deal with their different personalities, which means responding to their different perspectives, mindsets and preferences.
The fact that when it comes to kids there is never a ‘one size fits all’ answer to problems means that you have to respond intuitively to situations that, on the surface, appear to be the same but often require a different approach because of the challenge of dealing with their unique qualities. I personally have found that trying to work effectively with the diversity in people generally has brought me the most challenges as well as the greatest joy and rewards (and, of course, every emotion in between!), so in all honesty I have enjoyed the challenge that there are rarely any easy answers.
Deciding what is the right hat to wear (i.e. what our response should be to a certain situation or child) is often not straightforward, and so typically our first response is often made in an habitual way that is easiest for us and fits within our comfort zone. From what I have shared with you so far, you will probably acknowledge that many people feel most comfortable, not surprisingly, with the ‘teller’ response and this will be the hat that they will bring to their parenting roles – on automatic pilot in many instances.
What I’d like to do to start our journey into building a strong case for asking Better Questions is to share some insights into the most frequent hats we wear in our lives generally. I hope that by doing this we will be able to recognise the key aspects of each hat in the hope that, going forward, it will help us to make more informed choices rather than automatic choices.
So, to start this exploration I invite you to consider a line, with one end representing the more typical ‘telling’ space and the other end representing the ‘asking’ space.
I ask in advance for your understanding in the explanations I am about to share with you; as they may at times appear to be simplistic in their nature. I recognise that rarely is anything clear-cut in life, and usually there are many grey areas; however, if you can bear with me in my explanations, I hope to be able to clarify some important points that will enable you to glean more understanding about the key distinctions between the two approaches of ‘telling’ and ‘asking’.
Let’s start by talking about some of the hats (roles) that you will relate to within your life, ones that belong more at the ‘telling’ end of our TELLER—ASKER line. These explanations relate to roles that we play in our lives generally, and I am certain that you will relate to them in many aspects of your life and work, even if you don’t necessarily adopt the name that I have given to them.
The teacher/trainer/educator
The first hat I’d like to explore is the one I refer to as teacher/trainer/educator, which is a hat that all of you
