5. Back off. By this we mean let your child have their own relationships with other people without your (over) involvement. This can be hard, particularly with relatives—we all have ways that we want our children to be treated, to be spoken to, and in turn (when they’re older) to treat others and to speak to them. It’s easy to get hung up on trying to be an arbitrator between, say, a child and a grandparent. Once your friends or relatives understand your family rules (such as no coffee drinks or video games for toddlers), you should get out of the way. It is important, and beneficial, for children to experience different personalities and realize that there are inconsistencies in the world. Even if a grandparent buys them ice cream for lunch, it doesn’t mean that you will. And when your own family values are clear to your kids, have faith that your children will understand that even though it’s fun, it is a little nutty for Granny to come over with donuts at 9 p.m.!
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I woke up one morning to find that my husband had made breakfast for our daughter. Then I saw it. Eggs. And a banana! “She doesn’t eat those anymore,” I quietly warned. “Daddy and I are having breakfast!” Liv declared with delight, happily eating both eggs and banana. She wouldn’t eat a banana from me, but from Daddy, she would. Our kids’ relationships with other people are dynamic, and they are not the same as their relationships with us. She is my daughter, but she’s also that girl’s friend, that man’s grandchild, and my husband’s daughter, too. —t
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Gifts to Yourself
1. Care for your friendships
2. Share a passion
3. Give yourself a head start
4. Learn something new
5. Get out!
1. Care for your friendships. Old friendships are stabilizing forces in our lives and often the thing that quickly gets pushed aside as partners, jobs, and growing families take center stage. For those who have moved around a lot it can be particularly hard to stay in touch. Our advice: reframe getting in touch with a friend as a gift to yourself rather than an item on your to-do list. You’ll be more likely to make the call or send the email. Keep up contact with those people who know you in other contexts. When you feel yourself lost in the—yes, sometimes thankless— role of parent, what a gift to have the other parts of yourself drawn to the surface: the colleague, the one in the glamorous dress, the athlete, the karaoke star.
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I made the mistake of thinking that my oldest and dearest friend from high school—who didn’t yet have kids— would be bored by the minutiae of my daily grind with a newborn, and I found myself feeling a strange reluctance to call. Certainly a conversation about diapering,nursing, and the challenge of getting the laundry done would be of little interest when we were used to talking about music, things we were reading, and boys. Another friend set me straight, pointing out that while she might not have the same level of concern with the details of my baby-driven day, it was me she cared about, whatever it was I was going through. —t
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2. Share a passion. Reconnect with your own pre-kid passion for something (pottery, biking, electric guitar, baking, sewing, fishing ). Think about how to explain, explore and share this with your child. Doing such an activity together can be an inspiration to your child and lets her know about an important part of who you are separate from your role as her parent. Don’t worry if she doesn’t show particular interest in the subject. The point is that she senses engagement and passion in you: that alone makes an important statement.
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As someone who loves the outdoors, it was a real gift to me to see my children connecting to things outside. Signs of fall, the first buds of spring, the first snowfall, bugs, and even the most common birds—all were experienced anew through their eyes. —t
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3. Give yourself a head start. If your dream day starts at 11:45 a.m. with coffee in bed, this isn’t for you. But if you find yourself feeling behind all day, try getting up a little earlier. Starting your day quietly and on your own terms can help set the right tone for the hours that follow. Get up before the rest of the household starts to stir. Do whatever it is that allows you to feel ready for the day. Read the paper, exercise, check e-mail, scratch something off your list, eat breakfast slowly. Even rising 30 minutes before a toddler is asking for food can start your day off on a good footing.
4. Learn something new. Whether it’s taking a class in something that caught your eye or picking up a new “how to” manual at the library, think about cultivating a new talent or interest. Committing to a class has the added bonus of forcing you to get out of the house and creates an opportunity to interact with the adult world around a common interest. Once you’ve paid and put something on your calendar, you’ll be more likely to follow through with that knitting project, the spinning class at the gym, or a new adventure in photography. You may feel pressed for time, but an hour here and there spent on yourself does wonders for the other (many!) hours you spend for all the other people who demand your time.
5. Get out! With your child or alone—get outside. Being stuck inside or tied to a young child’s schedule can feel very isolating. While deliberate social gigs help, don’t forget about simply connecting with what’s around you. You don’t need a national park, a big city itinerary, or even a destination. Around the block can sometimes be just the ticket, and a walk in the woods or along the river is a lovely way to spend 30 minutes, an hour or two. It is easy with young children to just stay put: all the extra stuff you need to do and take along can quash the best of intentions. Making the effort is time well spent, guaranteed. Take your kid along in a stroller or pack, and get out!
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My son was born in late November in Boston, and at first I really struggled to get out of the house. He needed so many layers, I needed so many layers—then there were the extra diapers, wipes, changing pad, change of clothes, pacifier, burp cloth, and little toy for distraction that I thought I had to pack into my big diaper bag. Most of the time I just didn’t go, and when I did, I was sweating and exhausted before we even got out the door. What I learned: all I needed was the baby in fleece and a carrier strapped to my front, and we were good to go. The fresh air and change of scenery did wonders for my state of mind in those early days. —n
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