“Two Thongs Up!”
“Mary Fran Bontempo gets it. Women want the truth. Being married, being a mother, being middle-aged stinks some days. That’s the truth. And as told by Mary Fran makes for some very funny copy. Brava!”
~ Kate Fratti, National Society of Newspaper Columnists Humor Column Award Winner; 2012 A. P. Managing Editors Award Winner, 2011 Keystone Press Award Winner.
"What an awesome and inspiring mom who has figured out the way AWAY from the Granny Panties aisle! I myself am in my mid 30s and EVERYTHING Mary Fran wrote struck a chord with me. I laughed out loud! Great writer-hysterical interviewee. Loved having a REAL MOM on Real Mom Radio and I loved this book!"
~ Joey Fortman, Founder: Real Mom Media www.RealMomMedia.com; Host: Real Mom Radio
It happens to the best of us. On a day like any other, you look in the mirror and find a cranky, worn-out, middle-aged woman staring back at you. A woman who is firmly strapped into a giant pair of GRANNY PANTIES.
Yes, aging is inevitable, but looking, and acting, like your grandma is not. So join Mary Fran Bontempo and learn a new set of Commandments that will enable you to avoid the Granny Panties and love life in the middle years. You’ll laugh, learn a few things and with any luck, bid a permanent goodbye to GRANNY PANTIES and the old hag in the mirror!
Not Ready For
Granny Panties
The 10 11
Commandments for
Avoiding Granny Panties
By: Mary Fran Bontempo
With Illustrations by
Pat Achilles
Not Ready for Granny Panties
The 10 11 Commandments for Avoiding Granny Panties
by Mary Fran Bontempo
© 2012 Mary Fran Bontempo
Illustrations © 2012 Pat Achilles
All rights reserved.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0913-9
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
About Not Ready For Granny Panties –The Blog
Several years ago, I found myself surfing the internet in search of a place where I could find content geared towards me—a middle-aged woman who didn’t feel, or particularly want to act, middle-aged. I was looking for fun stuff, interesting stuff that wasn’t trying to “inspire” me, jam a message down my throat or remind me of the endless array of physical ailments and their “solutions” that came with aging.
In fact, I wanted to avoid the term “aging” at all costs. If I needed to be reminded that I was no longer 20, all I had to do was look in a mirror. Reading about it ad nauseam on the internet was not on my “to do” list.
I also was looking for a site that wouldn’t give me a migraine with a thousand links on which to click, fourteen drop down menu items per page heading and a dizzying array of things that flashed, beeped or talked to me without any initiation on my part. (Just try and find the stop button on those videos that start automatically.)
You know what? The pickins were mighty slim. So I decided to start my own site, a place where women like me could go and just have a few minutes of fun every day. A place where I could talk about things that made me laugh, as well as movies, food, fashion and anything else that just made me feel good.
That’s how the blog, Not Ready For Granny Panties, was born. Along with the help of some really smart, wonderful women (fellow bloggers and friends Pat Achilles, Chrysa Smith and Carmen Ferreiro-Esteban), I developed a site (www.notreadyforgrannypanties.com) just for us—and for you.
Girls just wanna have fun, and we NRFGP bloggers realized through sharing with readers that none of us was ready to put on the big bloomers and consign ourselves to Granny Panties, either literal or figurative. As we brought our take on life to NRFGP, we realized that there was more to say, about life in the middle and how we can live it to the fullest as the fabulous, glorious creatures we are.
This book is the beginning of that “more to say.” I’m certain other things will follow, as I’ve never been known to let anything go gently. But I also think that at this point, gentle isn’t going to get me, or you, where I want to go, which is as far away from a pair of Granny Panties as possible.
So after you’ve finished the book, remember to stick with us and check out the blog at www.notreadyforgrannypanties.com every day for a daily dose of fun and to celebrate life in the middle with “girls” just like you!
For Dave, David, Laura and Megan,
who inspire me every day.
Introduction
It happens to the best of us.
One particular day, a day that starts like any other, you look in the mirror and see someone else staring back at you.
She looks sort of familiar, but you don’t quite recognize her, until it hits you with such force that your knees buckle and you think you’re going to throw up.
You are staring at a cranky, worn-out woman who looks far older than her years. A woman who looks like fun has become a four-letter word. A woman who looks like (get out a paper bag before you hyperventilate) your grandmother and happens to be you.
Maybe it’s the gray hairs seizing control of your head. Perhaps it’s the wardrobe that has devolved into a uniform of t-shirts and sweats accompanied by ratty gym shoes and topped off by a pilled cardigan. It might be the lines on your face that suddenly remind you of a roadmap to Hell.
But more likely, it’s just a feeling, of invisible, gnarled hands clutching at you and trying to wedge you firmly and completely into a pair of…GRANNY PANTIES.
Actually, you might already be wearing Granny Panties, both literally and figuratively. Literal Granny Panties are just that—panties that your granny would wear. You know the ones; they cover your entire butt, half of your thighs and rise up to just beneath your boobs. That’s a horror story in itself, but it’s not what we’re here to talk about.
We’re here to talk about the figurative Granny Panties, the ones which are as much a state of
