was still too young to comprehend. He’d never really bonded with Barry. He had only been one year old when Barry left the first time. When he had rejoined our family, it was if a new buddy had come to be with us that everyone told him was his “real” daddy.
After Barry left, I arose every day, sent Zack off to school, took Todd to daycare, came back home, cried, and then started to work. Wasn’t I ever going to get it right? Would I ever have a home with two parents for my children?
Prior to our separation, Barry and I had purchased another home in the same area. We had made a tidy profit on the sale of my half of the duplex we lived in before. But when we moved in, I was a single mother once again.
The house was perfect for raising kids. It was on a lovely street only one block long. There was a spacious living room and den, both with fireplaces, a front porch, a sundeck in the back, a full basement that would become the band room for the boys in later years, and 3 bedrooms. The attic became the fourth bedroom eventually. There was also a full bath upstairs and a half bath down. We bought the house for a mere $43,000. Barry signed a quit claim deed, and it was mine.
I raised the children in that house for fifteen years. Zack and Todd still go back from time to time to see it. I feel a sense of pride for how I created a life for them to feel secure, even as I searched for answers to find the security I still felt missing inside of me.
*** *** ***
One wonderful thing that happened while Barry and I were still together is that we took astrology classes from the same teacher that had taught our neighbor. The teacher was charismatic and brilliant. He made every area interesting and comprehensible. But a curious thing happened shortly after classes began. I was able to anticipate what would be taught that night. I felt as if someone or something had placed the information inside me. It wasn’t coming from “out there.” It was in me. Immediately I found myself using the complicated mathematical procedures, which included logarithms to draft charts, and I was able to read them with ease. This astounded me since I most certainly was not a math whiz by any means! The amount of detail that went into drawing up charts, which included glyphs, houses, signs, and aspects didn’t seem daunting to me at all.
I also felt as if I was receiving a lot of help reading the charts. I didn’t know where this help came from, or what it was, but it was damned good. People were astounded at what I was able to tell them. I was, too. It was a similar feeling to how I felt in school when I would take tests without studying. (I never really learned to study because I would always get good grades without much effort, unless it was in math.) Now I was doing math to do the charts. I was using everything in me, including information from somewhere that I didn’t really understand.
I finally had a tool that could help me comprehend the workings of the universe. People wanted to pay me money for the charts. And I agreed to accept that. But eventually I had to stop. After reading quite a few charts, I began to realize that there was more to learn. I didn’t have all the answers. Even though people were quite happy with the readings, I felt there was more to say in order to explain how I was seeing what I was seeing.
I still didn’t know enough and I didn’t want people to think of me as Madame Zsa, with a turban on her head and a sign in the window that said, The Reader Is In. That isn’t who I wanted to be.
So, I stopped taking money until I knew what it was that was missing.
*** *** ***
I was still searching for the man to make my sense of self complete and to give the children a father in our home. This time, he came in the form of my step-brother who had taken a leave of absence from school to take care of his mother, Carolyn, as she lay dying. At that time we spent a lot of time together and I grew to like him, even though he was seven years my junior. After Carolyn died we had remained friends. I knew he’d been infatuated with me when he was a kid, and I never quite forgot that.
One Thanksgiving, we were invited to his home in Columbus for dinner. After the kids were in bed, we talked and talked and talked. He called a few days later to say he’d be in Cleveland to announce for a game. He was part owner of a radio station in Columbus. I agreed to see him that evening. His wife had left him and I knew he would be good to the boys and to me. When he came by, I told him that I was feeling love for him. He didn’t say a thing, just left.
He called a few days later, and I asked why he hadn’t said anything. He thought he had. He (still) felt the same way. About a year later, we were married.
My second husband was never able to father children of his own. We never discovered the reason why. So, Zack and Todd became children he could love.
We forged a strong family unit based on all that we had learned being raised together with parents who knew how to love their children and offer them the best they could. And although Zack and Todd would have many issues to plow through that were their own agendas, they have often said it was a good family in which to be raised.
Now that I was in a good marriage, maybe I could settle down and get on with the rest of my life.
Chapter 12
Becoming a Director
The job at the label and decal company only lasted about two years. It ended shortly after I became sales manager. I had grown to love the freedom of the road doing sales. I would drop Todd off at a nearby daycare and then plan my day without being answerable to anyone. I just needed to bring in the right numbers. Eventually I did that job so well, that I got promoted right out of an enjoyable situation. When I was made sales manager I had to spend most of my days in an office. However, too much office politics along with someone looking over my shoulder didn’t set well with me.
One afternoon, my boss called me in to his office to ask me to honestly assess how I felt the company was being run. In an act of extreme foolishness, I took his request seriously and let him know that the production staff was being unnecessarily exposed to toxic chemicals from the paints and solvents used in production. Since some of the women were pregnant or of child-bearing age, I thought this system should be changed and gave him ideas of how this could be done by providing adequate ventilation in the areas of greatest exposure. I also let him know that inviting me to help him pick out drapes for his new fancy home in the suburbs was probably not a good use of my time. It did make me feel resentful since I was working so hard just to feed my family, while he was taking office time to decorate his home. He, in turn, let me know that his feelings had been hurt when he had not been invited to my wedding. This astounded me. Our relationship had always been strictly business, so his feelings really surprised me.
The next day I was fired. I asked for and received unemployment compensation. Since my husband had found a job in radio in our area, I took some time just to look around at my life and see what I really wanted to do versus what I needed to do just to survive.
A group of feminist friends were bringing an accomplished artist and author, Judy Chicago to town with her exhibit called The Dinner Party. This exhibit was considered groundbreaking because Judy had used her talents to make sculptured plates for the place settings that depicted the female genitalia of notable women in history. The tables were covered with ornate tapestry that told the women’s stories. These tapestries had been embroidered by women from all over the world. There were also other exhibits that showed additional information about women’s history and goals. In spite of the subject matter, the overall effect was quite stunning
