and the potential power within the American body politic of such a coalition has been virtually untapped - until now. And if such people combine under the banner of the CDP, then the CDP wins elections at all levels. All levels.
__________
"The math is simple, and real, and the potential power within the American body politic of such a coalition has been virtually untapped - until now. And if such people combine under the banner of the CDP, then the CDP wins elections at all levels. All levels." Dr. Thaddeus 'Tad' Flummox, Professor Emeritus from the political science department at Middle Mitten University, spoke these words several weeks before I wrote them in the previous paragraph. Doc Flummox is in charge of strategy for the CDP. We were seated at a booth in Mabel's Diner following a general meeting of the membership. At that meeting, the same thing happened that has happened at every meeting since I got the nominations: people keep trying to add all sorts of things to our political 'platform.' And as at those previous meetings, Doc served as the point man for me and kept all of those additions from getting through the gate. To make sure he knows I appreciate it (Doc can be a bit hypersensitive), I've been taking him to Mabel's and treating him to dinner after the meetings. He's kept a good humor throughout the campaign, so far.
I'd had smoked pork chops, a salad, American fries and coffee; Doc ate a tuna sandwich and drank water. He did, however, have two slabs of Mabel's apple crumble. I had three, and they were bigger slabs than his because Ellie was working and she usually loves me. Good thing she does, too, what with my aiming to marry her and everything. You'll notice I did most of the eating. That's on account of the fact that Doc does most of the talking when we hit the diner after our CDP meetings.
"Yes," he continued, "we win on all levels, local, state and national - but only if we do it right, Markus, only if we are smart! I keep telling these people, meeting after meeting, and they aren't listening to me." His eyes narrowed in an attitude of suspicion, of which I am only too familiar. He proceeded to ask me what the primary reasons are for the failure of every 'third party' attempt that has been made since the Republican Party was created. I had Tad Flummox for several classes during my college career. He is retired. I am fifty-three. He still flings pop quizzes at me.
"The vast majority of the efforts are from the left or far left and are therefore unable to attract sizable numbers in a nation that, in the main, leans conservative. And they all tend to throw everything including the kitchen sink into their platforms. And also, often their timing is bad. And sometimes some people get the idea that a political party with broad appeal and staying power can occur from the billionaire on down. But that, of course, is never the way and can never succeed."
"Correct!" He beamed at me. It bugs me that, after all these years, I still feel like a proud peacock in school getting a gold star, when Tad Flummox gives me that look. Of course, I don't get it near so often as I merit, but Doc always was a tough grader. "A successful political party will of course be called upon to take a stand on thousands of issues over the course of time, and many of those issues will find eventual expression in the platform of a fully mature major political party. But a new party is not a mature party - it needs to focus on several key issues, not encumber itself with, and fracture from the weight of, a platform with two hundred planks! We have our several issues, Markus. Everyone has just got to accept that."
"Well, Doc," I replied after slurping the remaining milk from my apple crumble bowl, "I got a sense at the meeting today that everyone is finally catching on to that fact."
"Good. It's about time." He beamed at me again and then gazed at something in the distance, a look of happy remembrance on his face.
Now, back in college days, Doc Flummox would occasionally brandish a ruler; it was neither a three-footer nor a one-footer, but a rare foot-and-a-halfer. And it was not one of those cheap plastic things. This one was wooden - hickory - and it appeared to be of a thickness perhaps double that of your basic, run-of-the-mill ruler. To the best of my knowledge, that ruler of his was a prop; Doc never bloodied the knuckles or tanned the behind of any student. It did not make an appearance during every class session, but only occasionally, perhaps on an afternoon when we students were unruly and Doc wanted us to quieten ourselves down, or on a morning when we students were sluggish and inattentive and he sought to animate us, and to focus our attention.
As I say, Americans, I never saw or even heard of Doc ever utilizing that impressive ruler for purposes of corporal punishment. But, then again, no one ever saw him actually measure anything with it, either. Moreover, there were these little notches along the metal edge of the ruler, that put one in mind of the notches the baddies etched into their guns in those old black-and-white westerns to signify how many 'kills' they had made during their infamous careers. Sometimes he'd run his thumb along those notches, his eyes aglitter. The first time I ever laid eyes on that ruler, there were nine notches in it. This was way back in 1977. But there were twelve the last time I'd seen it, which was in the spring of 1982.
And now, thirty years later, at a regularly-scheduled meeting of the general membership of the Conservative Democratic Party, Oscar Nobble had just taken the floor. There are no major book stores in Smileyville Township, of course. There is, however, Nobble's Used Book Barn, and Oscar owns it. And for a third consecutive meeting, Oscar Nobble was attempting to introduce a plank into the party platform regarding the "evils of ebooks." He is not pleased that my entire presidential campaign consists of two ebooks. Attempting to encourage him with the notion that the ebooks are likely to become hard-copy books, too, and therefore may one day grace the shelves of his used book barn, did no good. Nothing was doing any good. But on this day, as Oscar began to address the executive committee, of which Doc is a member, I was stunned to see Doc reach under the table and produce a small, narrow, rectangular case, a case I'd not seen in three decades. It resembled the case a billiards sharp would carry his cue in, only smaller. Back in college, everyone noticed when Doc had his ruler, because no one could miss it when he would withdraw it from its case with the flourish of a magician producing his wand.
It is certain that no one missed it on this day, either, at the regularly-scheduled meeting of the general membership of the Conservative Democratic Party. In short order the bubbling stream of words pouring forth from the mouth of Oscar Nobble had fallen to a murmuring creek, and then dried up altogether. And the queue of people waiting to speak after Oscar? Well, it mysteriously disappeared right along with Oscar's flow of verbiage. And the remainder of the meeting ran just about as fine as frog hair, which, as everyone knows, is very fine indeed.
And there at Mabel's Diner, I sat looking across the table at the face of my old political science professor as he in turn gazed across the room, with that smile still on his face. And I smiled, too.
FOUR: I'm Just Wild About... Harry?
DATELINE SMILEYVILLE - I am sure, Americans, that you've all heard of the Devlin twins. They are (until now, ahem) the most famous people ever to hail from Smileyville. After having established themselves as the hottest songwriting duo to hit country music in many a year, most everyone around these parts assumed they'd up and move to Nashville. But, no, they still live here, albeit in much, much larger houses than they lived in before discovering the career that made them wealthy. In fact, I was there the very moment that career was launched:
We rarely play cards these days, everyone is just too busy, but a number of years ago we had a regular weekly euchre game. I would partner up with my cousin, Quentin 'Quiet' Riott, and we'd square off against JimJerry, the Devlin twins. They nearly always beat us. I don't believe they cheated; I think they had some kind of 'twin telepathy' thing going on. Maybe. My cousin grew up with them and I had met them a few times over the years, but I did not really get to know the twins until after I moved to Smileyville. I have always had a devil of a time telling them apart, but it was easier to do so when we played euchre, because JimJerry were forever arguing with theirself over what radio station to listen to as
