(Tirmidhi)
As parents we should connect our children to God at a young age. Help them to understand that all of you follow a higher authority. Namely, God and His Messenger. And that God’s rules apply to you as well as them.
Let them know that on matters God and His Messenger have decided we have no choice. God tells us:
“It is not fitting for a Believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by God and His Messenger, to have any option about their decision; if anyone disobeys God and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong Path.” (Quran 33:36)
B is for BASICS
Families become dysfunctional because they move away from the basics. When we move away from the basics, we erode the foundations upon which family life is built. Here are a few of the basics you should be emphasizing:
(a)Pray together: All people at home during prayer times should pray together. While praying in a masjid (place of worship) is best for men, at times this may not be possible. The next best thing is for family members at home at prayer times to pray together. This will teach the children to be timely with their five daily prayers even if they are alone. The Messenger of God said: “What lies between a person and disbelief is the abandonment of prayer.” (Muslim)
(b)Eat at least one meal together each day: There are families I know that rarely sit together at meal times. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “Eat together and not separately, for the blessing is associated with the company.” (Ibn Majah) While it may not be possible for families to sit together for every meal, you should make it a point of sharing at least one meal together each day. In my family, we make it a point of having supper together. This gives us a chance to find out how each other’s day went and discuss any problems the kids are having, as well as plan for the next day.
(c)Do not practice favouritism amongst your children: A mistake we often make as parents is to favour one child over another. For example, a son over a daughter. On one occasion, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was invited by Al-Numan ibn Bashir to witness him giving one of his children a gift. The prophet (peace be upon him) refused when he found out the same was not done for the other children. He then went on to say, “Treat your children equally, treat your children equally, treat your children equally.” (Ahmad)
C is for COMMUNICATION
To manage a family with minimal conflict, stress, and energy consumption, there has to be effective communication between all members of the family. As parents, this is something that we have to teach and monitor on an ongoing basis until all family members get it right. The kind of communication you have with your kids while they are young is the kind of communication that is likely to stay between you and them unless a conscious effort is made to correct the problem.
Communication between family members are basically of three types:
1.ONE WAY
2.ARGUMENTATIVE
3.TWO WAY
In ONE WAY communication, one person is doing all the talking. Often the person listening tunes out. This is not the way to build a lasting relationship.
In ARGUMENTATIVE communication, people commonly butt heads, listen for mistakes, interrupt, and pick on the weaknesses of what the other said.
In TWO WAY communication, family members try to understand each other. They ask questions of each other. At times they reflect, negotiate and suggest compromise as they speak. Such communication improves relationships and makes it possible to have an ideal family.
Analyse the kind of communication that is taking place right now among members of your family, and see if this is what you want to live with for the rest of your life. Change and improve where you can.
At the same time we must impart to members of our household the Islamic etiquettes pertaining to communicating with each other.
KINDNESS TO EACH OTHER: In their day to day dealings, members of the family should speak in kind and gentle tones. For being kind to each other will add beauty and strength to the family.
The Messenger of God (peace be upon him) said:
“Kindness if found in something adds beauty to it. And if it is withdrawn it defects it.” (Muslim)
“Kindness is a mark of faith, and whoever is not kind has no faith.” (Muslim)
“God is kind and loves Kindness in all affairs.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
“The one who is most hateful to God is the one who is most quarrelsome.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
DO NOT BECOME ANGRY: From living and communicating with each other there will be times and circumstances when we will be inclined to get angry.
At those times we should remember that when a man asked the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) to give him advice, he (peace be upon him) said: “Don’t become angry.” The man asked the same question several times and the Prophet kept repeating “Don’t become angry.” (Bukhari)
A technique for managing anger is outlined by the following hadith: “When one of you is standing and becomes angry he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good, otherwise he should lie down.” (Ahmad and Tirmidhi)
DO NOT CALL EACH OTHER BY OFFENSIVE NAMES: Due to frustration and anger children and parents may be inclined to insult each other and to resort to name calling. Remind each other of the following: “O you who believe.....do not humiliate one another by calling each other offensive nicknames...” (Quran 49:11)
BE WILLING TO FORGIVE: Despite our best effort there will be times when someone in the household is not kind, might call another a name or become angry. After people have calmed down they should learn to forgive and move on. When we are able to forgive each other, God promises a great reward. God tells us:
“Be quick in the race for forgiveness from your Lord and for a Garden whose width is that (of the whole) of the heavens and of the earth, prepared for the righteous - those who spend (freely) whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men - for God loves those who do good.” (Quran 3:133-134)
If two members of your household are not able to forgive each other and resume talking to each other, remind them that they are not to do so for more than three days. God’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said:
“It is not permissible for a man to keep apart from his brother more than three days, the one turning away and the other turning away when they meet. The better of the two is the one who is the first to give a greeting.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Every family will have its trials. Where there are clear principles from Quran and Hadith that can help, use them. This way, family members will learn to live by the principles of God and His Messenger. With this attitude and approach in place, it becomes easy to solve almost any problem a family can have.
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