secure and protected from the world around me. I was so much at peace, a peace I had never felt before. I was surrendering totally to this feeling of serenity.
“No!!!!”
My mind was wrenched into another reality. I turned to see Toby’s face. I could see the look of terror in his eyes when he yelled “No!!!!” again. Then there was the sound of glass exploding and metal screaming as it was being torn apart. I could hear Toby’s soft moans, his labored breathing.
“Toby,” I whispered “Toby,” but there was no answer.
I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe, then everything went dark and I couldn’t see. I felt so afraid. I knew that I was dying.
Now I am sitting up trying to breathe, trying to catch my breath. My heart, which felt like it had stopped a moment ago, is beating so fast I feel dizzy. I feel cold as I realize I’m covered in sweat cloaked in the darkness of my room. “It’s just a panic attack,” I tell myself over and over again “just a panic attack”. Tears swell in my eyes so I can hardly see. I feel lost with the sadness resting heavily in my heart. I would prefer the numbness of my missing memories to this bitter feeling of loss. The loss of Toby, of my friends, even the loss of my angel. My dreams always started the same, kind of the reverse of the accident. They begin with my angel then end with Toby. These are my beautiful nightmares.
It all started after the accident, when Dad told me what had happened. Dad tried what he could to comfort me and soften the blow. He was worried as he watched over my restless nights but the doctors told him the nightmares would get better with time. Sometimes, I thought I was losing my mind. The gaps in my memory were sporadic. I couldn’t tell what things I should or shouldn’t remember. So I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I thought I saw an angel. I didn’t want him to think I was as crazy as I actually felt.
“Thanks for driving me Dad.” I felt sorry for him giving up what little free time he had to take care of me. Jumping every time I stumbled, afraid to leave me alone.
“It’s not a problem Hope, it’s the part of the Dad job I like.”
“What part don’t you like?” I said as I cringed inside waiting for his answer. Did I want to know? Raising me, all by himself was hard enough. Heaven knows I didn’t always make it easy for him.
“Well,” as he paused I cringed again. “I didn’t like trying to teach you to cook. I was always afraid you would burn or cut yourself. Never thought you would catch the stove on fire.” We both laughed remembering when Toby and I tried to surprise him with cupcakes. Neither of us knew that you don’t fill the little cups to the very top. I recalled the shock he had coming home to find the fire truck in the front yard while Toby and I tried to explain the error in the Betty Crocker cookbook.
“Anything else?” I asked, feeling good about the memory fitting together like it should.
“Well, there was the time you tried to help with the laundry. Did you know that I really thought I was gaining weight? My clothes kept getting tighter and tighter until you told me you were giving them a nice HOT bubble baths.” He chuckled to himself, “Hope, you don’t have to worry, being your Dad is a great job, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
As the car slowed down I looked up to see the massive front doors of the college. “Thanks Dad.” I turned, giving him a kiss on his check before getting out.
“Hope, is Daniel bringing you home, or do you need me to pick you up?”
“Daniel will, if I don’t make fun of his car again.” My Dad had a look that asked, ‘what did you do now’.
“Long story, tell you when I get home.” As I closed the door he got the last word in.
“Love ya.”
I had to laugh remembering the first time I saw Daniel’s car. We had just gotten done with studying and were walking out to the parking lot. I was walking behind him when he stopped and turned so quickly I almost ran into him. I looked up and he was smiling at me.
“Hope?” I realized he was holding the door open for me. I just stared at him. I was so embarrassed and I knew my face was turning red because his smile got brighter. All I could say was “Thanks” as I got in the car and he closed the door. Once inside all I could do was gawk at the dashboard as Daniel walked around the car and got in. There were round gauges across it that I had never seen before. There was a wide console down the center and something about the gauge in the middle, above the console, made me start to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” He had a smile that looked like he wanted in on the joke.
“It’s a clock?”
“Yes most cars have one.”
“Not like that one,” as I pointed at the clock. This one had hands on it, a big hand and a little hand. Just like the ones I had when I was little and learning to tell time. Now I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop laughing but it didn’t help. Daniel wrapped his arms across the steering wheel and leaned his head against it.
“Sorry,” I changed the subject. “What kind of car is this?”
“It’s a Jensen.”
“A what?”
“It’s a Jensen Interceptor,” he replied and the smile that said he wanted in on the joke was gone. As Daniel started the car and backed out of the parking spot I looked over my shoulder too. Bad mistake, because I started laughing again. He was driving away before he asked, “Now what?”
“Your back window looks like a fish bowl. The one I kept my goldfish in when I was a kid.”
“You’re laughing at my car? I’ll have you know, I have a friend who thinks it’s a cool car.” I started giggling and couldn’t stop, for a number of miles.
Daniel just took a deep breath, shook his head, and said nothing more. Every now and then I would giggle and Daniel would sigh. It was that way the rest of the drive. When we got to my house he got out and opened my door for me again.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said with a bit of glee in my voice.
“You’re welcome.”
“And Daniel, thanks for the ……laugh!” I could not suppress the grin on my face as I turned to go inside.
“You’re very welcome, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
It felt good to laugh. It just seemed so long I’d almost forgotten.
I still giggled whenever I saw his car. For the past two weeks I was getting better at controlling myself so maybe today I could see it without laughing.
As I was heading to the college library through the main building, someone stepped out of the Dean’s office and I walked straight into him.
“Sorry!
