I have a wonderful father.”
“Is he nice”? His voice almost lost in the quiet.
“Yes Timmy, he’s very nice.”
“Daniel I’m tired and it’s cold.” His voice seemed hardly a whisper.
I knew Timmy would sleep with angels soon, and I would be there for him, as long as he needed! Even after all this time the loss of a child was still hard for me to understand.
I noted that Liz had turned off the sound on the machines, so Timmy couldn’t hear it. I wrapped him up in another blanket, being careful of his wires and tubes. Then I held him while I sat in the large rocking chair. As I rocked Timmy, the movement back and forth seemed to help his pain.
“Daniel, I love you,” his small voice whispered.
“And I love you Timmy.” How could you not love a child like this?
I could hear Liz, humming to a restless child in the next room. Liz hummed a beautiful lullaby, one her mother had taught her as a child. She sang it to all of the children. Liz said once, that when she sang the lullaby, she felt the presence of her mother watching over her. I found myself rocking Timmy, in rhythm to Liz's lullaby. One verse in Liz’s lullaby, ‘may there always be Angels to watch over you,’ was for all of the children. As I touched Timmy's forehead he seemed a little chilled. I grabbed the blanket off the back of the rocker and wrapped it around him. Timmy looked up at me, with those blue-green eyes, and I knew angels were watching over him. Putting his head against my chest, he slowly closed his eyes. I continued to rock Timmy, holding him close to me.
I remembered the first time I heard Liz singing that song. It was when I first started working here. I hadn't been assigned a child to care for. I did whatever job Liz, or any of the other nurses, needed. Liz was always watching me skeptically. She didn’t readily trust new persons around these vulnerable children. She was a tigress near her cubs. Late that evening, a few of the children were very ill. All the other the nurses were making rounds. Liz asked if I would look in on one of the girls. I went and sat in the chair beside her bed. The rail was up and only a little hand was visible outside the blankets. Her name was Samantha but everybody called her Sam. She didn't thrive like other children her age and after many tests they found that she had a heart defect. She was here in the hospital to get stronger. She was excited that they were going to fix her heart so she could play with the other kids. I had to chuckle to myself, because she had a heart bigger than anyone I knew, she was full of life.
But this night was not being kind to her. The medication she had to take for surgery was making her sick. All I could do at the moment was to sit in a chair and rub the little hand that stick out from the blankets as I hummed to her. Later she got violently sick. Instead of calling for a nurse, I grabbed clean linens out of the closet. I filled a washbasin with warm water and washed her face and shoulder and a bit of her hair as she smiled up at me. I gently rolled her over to one side of the bed and propped a pillow behind her as I removed the soiled linen. In less than twenty minutes, Sam was in clean pajamas and in a clean bed with fresh linens.
I went to change my shirt. It was soiled and didn’t smell very well.
“Don’t go,” said a little voice behind me, “I don't want to be by myself.” I smiled at her and then reached to the linen cabinet one more time, pulling out two pillowcases. I rolled one up and covered it with the second wrapping some surgical tape around it. Taking a dry eraser marker from the sign-in board the nurses used I drew a face on the outer pillowcase. With that I walked over to Samantha's bed and introduced her.
“Sam. This is Oscar, the octopus.” I tried to say calmly without laughing at myself.
“Oscar? You couldn’t find a better name?” she said weakly. I remembered the strange names kids gave their stuffed animals and friends, real or imaginary. I had to think fast on my feet.
“Oscar’s special.” I told her as I handed her the makeshift toy Why are kids always one step ahead of you?
“Why is Oscar special?”
“He was born with a little problem, like you. See, he doesn't have all his legs.” As I pointed to four corners of the pillowcase as of they were his legs.
“They’re going to fix my heart.”
“Yes they are.”
“Are they going to fix Oscar too?”
“I think you'll find they’ll fix him too.” As I smiled at her, she took the little makeshift animal, tucking it underneath her chin, cuddling it, and fell asleep. I would have to remember to add another pillowcase so that when Sam came out of surgery Oscar would have eight legs.
I was digging through my backpack to see if I could find something else to put on, maybe a T-shirt from earlier today.
Elizabeth walked in the room, and handed me what used to be a bright red scrub. Now it was only a threadbare pink one.
“Daniel, I'm sorry for doubting your abilities. What you did for Sam tonight was more than anyone would ask of you. You gave her peace of mind; you showed her you really cared about her.
From that moment on, Elizabeth allowed me to help wherever I could. That night, not only did I gain her trust, I gained a great friend. Since that time we shared many joys of watching a child leaving, getting out of the hospital. When a child didn't, we shared that sorrow together as well. Sometimes it's hard to believe that was five years ago.
Tonight I rocked Timmy as the sky outside turned from blue to deep purple causing the stars to blossom into brightness. I just watched the stars as I rocked Timmy in a slow easy rhythm.
It was two in the morning when Timmy took his last breath. He was finally at peace. Liz came back into the room and looked at us. I was still holding Timmy, rocking him slowly. Liz gently unhooked the monitors from Timmy’s little body. She had a tear in her eye when she spoke.
“Daniel, I know there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better, I’m so sorry.”
“Liz, I know, he’s at peace now and there’s no pain.”
“Stay as long as you want, Daniel”. Liz put her hand on my shoulder. You could hear the sorrow in her voice.
Liz pulled the curtain and door closed as she left the room. As always, I stayed and started my prayer. “Our father in heaven…” So many children, so many prayers, and no wonder the heavens were filled with songs. I made sure Timmy’s soul, was followed by a prayer. “Father…”
Most of my assignments were children. The ones no one wanted, the ones that were dying. I laid Timmy back in his bed and walked out the door. Yes, I would always remember him. How could I ever forget such a loving child, who only wanted love in return? I walked up to Liz at the nurse’s desk to tell her thank you.
“Daniel, I have a question for you,” she said as she stood up “I don’t know what you want me to do with Timmy’s things. Since you bought them for him, I didn’t know if you might want them?”
I didn’t have a use for them. When I was assigned another child I would just start over. “Please find a child on one of the wards who would enjoy them.”
“And his pictures?” Liz asked me.
“You
