Perhaps not even your spouse. Yet your mind is racing with questions: Will my child be alright? Will she be safe? Will he lose his job, or friends, or church? Is she going to hell? What can I do? Can she change? Is it my fault? Will I never have the joy of grandchildren?
Know that for these questions to surface, and more, is normal. After all, you are likely entering into a world you are not familiar with, so it feels uncharted, and you are set adrift, but you are not alone.
The very first thing I would encourage you to do is to talk to a knowledgeable person. Get in touch with others who have faced the same situation. Mothers and fathers of gay children are all around you, but because you have not needed to know this, they aren’t on your landscape. See if there is a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter near you. If there is, you will immediately learn that you and your child are in good company where you will meet others who have gone through the same experience and found hope.
If you are reluctant to go to a public meeting, most PFLAG folk would be happy to meet you and discuss personal issues with you and/or your child. What is most important now is for you to connect with others who can support you positively through this time.
If a PFLAG chapter is not an option, contact a clergy person from the United Church of Christ, the Unitarian Universalist Church, the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) or any church in the Yellow Pages or online in your community that advertises itself as either “Open and Affirming,” or the Methodist’s “Reconciling Congregation,” or the Presbyterian’s “More Light congregation.” Lacking these, call an Episcopal priest or anyone in the local Interfaith community. Ask them to recommend a gay-friendly person to talk to. If you are fortunate to have a church nearby that supports gay inclusion, you will get good answers to your most urgent and vexing questions.
Your child will have many questions as well. The PFLAG website has several documents that you can download that are very helpful for both parent and child. Here’s the link to their highly rated and most requested resource for parents, http://community.pflag.org/document.doc?id=495, “Our Sons and Daughters: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.” Here’s the link for your child: http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Be_Yourself.pdf. “Be Yourself: Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth.”
If all else fails, contact me at [email protected], and I will personally assist you and keep everything in confidence.
There is currently running an ad campaign that tells gay youth, “It gets better!” This is just as true for parents of gay children. It gets better! The sooner you contact a supporting person or group, the better you will feel, not only about your child, but about yourself, as someone who can continue to be the loving, supporting parent you have been and will continue to be.
http://youtu.be/2DWzmYO0D8Y
What Is This
LGBT(QI) Thing?
If you are new to the world of the gay community, you will soon be introduced to a variety of terms and acronyms that are in general use, most of which are self-explanatory, but not all. The most frequently used and often stands for the entire gay community is LGBT: An acronym for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender which refers to these individuals collectively. It is sometimes stated as GLBT (gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender). Occasionally, the acronym is stated as LGBTA to include allies – straight and supportive individuals. The acronym sometimes includes Q for queer or questioning. (All definitions come from the PFLAG website and documents and OutFront Minnesota.)
Lesbian: A woman whose enduring emotional, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction is to other women. Avoid identifying lesbians as homosexuals, which is often seen as a derogatory term.
Gay: The adjective used to describe people whose enduring emotional, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attractions are to people of the same sex (e.g., gay man, gay people). In contemporary contexts, lesbian is often a preferred term for women.
Bisexual: An individual who is emotionally, romantically, physically, and/or spiritually attracted to men and women. Bisexuals do not need to have had equal sexual experience with both men and women; in fact, they need not have had any sexual experience at all to identify as bisexual. Sometimes stated as bi.
Transgender: A term describing the state of a person’s gender identity which does not necessarily match his/her assigned sex at birth. Other words commonly used are female to male (FTM), male to female (MTF), and genderqueer. Transgender people may or may not decide to alter their bodies hormonally and/or surgically to match their gender identity.
Queer: Traditionally a negative or pejorative term for gay, queer currently is used by some LGBTs—particularly among younger people —to describe themselves and/or their community. Some value the term for its defiance, some like it because it can be inclusive of the entire community, and others find it to be an appropriate term to describe their more fluid identities. Many within the LGBT community continue to dislike the term and find it offensive. This word should be avoided by straights (non LGBTpeople).
Intersexual: Having both male and female anatomical characteristics, including in varying degrees reproductive organs and secondary sexual characteristics, as a result of an abnormality of the sex chromosomes or a hormonal imbalance during embryogenesis. (This definition is from the Free Online Dictionary) These were once known as hermaphrodite.
Ally: Any non-LGBTQI who supports gay rights and equality.
If you don’t recognize your child here, you might ask him or her to give you their take on the ins and outs of this acronym as a way for each of you to understand yourselves better. There are quite a few more terms and acronyms that you will encounter, but this list is the most used and will get you going.
What’s most important to know is that LGBTIQs will be very patient with you if they sense that your intentions are to relate, not to judge. Any crossing of that line will be noted immediately and may harm what could be fruitful dialog and hopefully a lifelong and healthy relationship.
One other thing: The gay community is not monolithic. There is some disagreement as to the usefulness and meanings of this acronym. So it’s best not to assume you share the same frame of reference. Be a good listener.
Here’s some great advice from a young lady:
http://youtu.be/CMSBc2hOQK0
Your Child Is
Just Fine
You need assurance that your child is all right, not because there is any doubt in the minds of professionals, but because of society’s fear of the different, the “other,” that has made even left-handedness suspicious. So false stereotypes exist that continue to make life uneasy for you and your child. You may also worry because bullying and overt discrimination work against those who are perceived as different. I don’t want to lead you to believe that life will be rosy. On the contrary, there will be obstacles in the way of your child that are not present for straight children. But there is a lot of good will and support available to you, as well.
I am concerned, first of all, that you understand that there is nothing psychologically, physiologically, or mentally about your child that is considered unusual or cause for concern.
Listen carefully to these representative professionals:
The American Psychological Association released a Statement on Homosexuality in July of 1994. The opening paragraphs are:
The research on homosexuality is very clear. Homosexuality
