cell phone rings and I nearly jump through the ceiling.
“You sound funny,” Lovie says. “What are you up to?”
“I’m up to my elbows in Janice Laton’s Victoria’s Secret underwear.”
“Is there something you haven’t told me?”
“Good grief, Lovie. I’m searching for clues.”
“Find anything?”
“I found out she wears size six.”
“Bikinis or full cut?”
“Full cut.”
“It figures. Listen, Callie, we’d better take my van so we’ll have a place to put the body.”
“It’ll fit in the back of my Dodge Ram.” I hate the way Lovie drives. As if every highway is the Talladega Speedway. “We’ll cover it with a tarp.”
“If we get caught in the middle of a summer hailstorm we’ll be hauling the doctor back in pieces. Besides, if we don’t tie him down right he’s liable to blow out somewhere in the desert and we’d never find him.”
A few days ago the most exciting thing in my life was finding Ferragamo shoes on sale. Now I’m discussing the best way to haul a corpse across a desert.
“All right, Lovie. We’ll take your van.”
“Good. I’ll pick you up after lunch tomorrow. I’m catering a bridesmaid’s brunch in the morning.”
“That works. I have to reschedule my appointments, talk to Mama about staying up here so the Latons won’t tear down my house, and see my lawyer.”
“About what?”
“I want to talk to him about taking out an ad to find Elvis.”
“Absolutely not,” Grover Grimsley says.
It’s 10:00 A.M., and I’m sitting in his office bleary-eyed from dreaming about being chased across the desert by corpses, while Janice and crew are sleeping off their ill tempers in my upstairs guest bedrooms. I heard them come in at one o’clock this morning.
“Why not?” I ask Grover. “I’m desperate to find Elvis.”
“It’s bad enough you called Jack and he knows Elvis vanished under your care. Still, it’s your word against his. An ad would provide him written proof you’re an unfit pet mother.”
“I am not.”
“I’m only playing devil’s advocate, Callie.”
He’s so good at being the devil he scared me. Now if he can just scare Jack Jones into signing divorce papers, I’ll be a free woman. Then I can celebrate. Or cry, which seems more likely at the moment.
“Have you found Bevvie Laton yet?” I ask.
“No. Apparently she’s left Africa. I hate to tell Charlie, but it looks as if the funeral’s on hold indefinitely.”
“I’ll tell him. I’m going over to the funeral home.”
When I get there, Mama’s on the second floor of Eternal Rest with Uncle Charlie, which is where he lives. Personally I think he’d be better off somewhere that didn’t have the deceased waiting around downstairs for their send-off to the hereafter, but that’s just me. I’d hate to think I couldn’t walk out of my house without having to pass through a fog of hair spray, styling mousse, and perm fumes.
It’s bad enough just being a celebrity. I can’t walk into Gas, Grits, and Guts without having somebody walk over and consult me about color and shampoo.
I walk in and sit on Uncle Charlie’s brown leather sofa in front of a wall of books that would be the envy of the Lee County Library.
“I was about to drown tromping around the monuments,” Mama says, “so I shut down for the day and brought Charlie some leftover soup.”
She’s in tangerine today. Head to toe. It’s not her color, but I’m not about to tell her. She doesn’t take criticism well, even when it’s constructive. Unless Uncle Charlie’s the one delivering it.
“If it weren’t for me,” she adds, “Charlie would eat nothing but peanut butter and crackers.”
Uncle Charlie winks at me. We both know this is not true. He’s a better cook than Mama, but he lets her feed him anyway because he knows she likes to be needed. He’s the one who told her not to sell the monument business after Daddy died because he knew she needed something to do.
“But, Charlie,” she told him. “I don’t know beans about running a business.”
“You’ll catch on, Ruby Nell,” he told her, and she did. It took her two years, and he was at her side every time she had a question.
Uncle Charlie is the rock of this family, always fixing what’s wrong. It feels good to be the one to deliver good news about the lead on the missing body and the lack of leads on Bevvie’s whereabouts.
“The bad news is, I’ll need Mama to stay with my houseguests and I haven’t found Elvis yet.”
“How long will I be in prison?” Trust Mama to put herself at the center.
“At least a week.”
That counts driving time to and from Vegas because we certainly don’t want to declare a missing corpse on an airplane. I keep this information to myself. If Mama got wind of our destination, she’d insist on going and we’d never get home. I’d have to become hairdresser to the stars.
I wonder if Wayne Newton is still alive. He could use a new hairdo.
“Don’t worry, dear heart. You find the body. Ruby Nell and I will find your dog.”
“You might want to ask Jack to go along on your trip, Callie,” Mama says.
“Why?”
“You might need his gun. Among other things.”
“This is just a missing corpse case, Mama, not murder.”
When I leave and Uncle Charlie walks me to my Dodge Ram, I tell him about seeing Buck Witherspoon on the farm.
“Don’t worry, dear heart. I’ll take care of him.”
Goodness gracious. That sounds clandestine to me. And slightly dangerous. I wouldn’t want to be in this Witherspoon character’s shoes.
When Uncle Charlie hugs me, he slips a wad of cash into my pocket. “For the trip. If you need more, let me know. You and Lovie be careful, dear heart.”
Does my uncle know something he’s not telling me? Maybe I ought to rethink Jack and his smoking pistol.
Armed with our suitcases and two cans
