cemetery. A pool of light comes up on Sebastian Bliss, seated on a bench, reading a book. He addresses the audience.)
SEBASTIAN: On Tuesday, my mother was taking a shower, when the showerhead, which was obviously loose to begin with, flew away from the wall and, propelled by water pressure, hit her in the head and killed her. Odd, as I knew her to be a person who primarily took baths. I hadn’t seen my mother in several years, although we spoke on the phone, on birthdays and Christmas. I left home when I was sixteen. I turned my back on everything and went off to pursue my education. My mother said, “Good luck,” and my father said nothing, having died under mysterious circumstances before I was born. There were no pictures of him in our home and we never said his name. When asked about him, my mother abruptly changed the subject. Or, occasionally, feigned sudden deafness. In any event, I walked away from servants and swimming pools to live on complimentary peanuts and cashews in cocktail lounges.
(Pause. He looks over his shoulder) My sister is watching me. From behind that tree.
(He continues reading. His spot dims. A light comes up on Bernadette and Kip Dixon in another part of the cemetery. She is overwrought.)
BERNADETTE: I don’t know what to do.
KIP: I don’t think I like it here.
BERNADETTE: What?
KIP: It’s too peaceful.
BERNADETTE: Naturally it’s peaceful. It’s a cemetery. Everyone’s dead. Did you expect picnicking families frolicking between graves?
KIP: That would be nice. We should have a picnic. Let’s go.
BERNADETTE: What are you talking about?
KIP: What’s the name of this place?
BERNADETTE: Pleasant Meadows.
KIP: It’s creepy.
BERNADETTE: Please don’t be disagreeable, Kip. Not today. Not now.
KIP: Sorry.
BERNADETTE: If I’m going to talk to him, it should be now. He should come back to the house. Don’t you think? People will think it’s odd. People expect him. Why should I talk to him? Why doesn’t he come over and talk to me? He saw me. I know he did. Do you think I should go over to him?
KIP: I suppose.
BERNADETTE: You think so?
KIP: He’s your brother.
BERNADETTE: We never speak. I never see him. I haven’t seen him in—He looks older.
KIP: He looks nice.
BERNADETTE: Do I look older?
KIP: Older than what?
BERNADETTE: Older than I did.
KIP: When?
BERNADETTE: Forget it. Why doesn’t he come over here!? I hate this dress. Do I look fat?
KIP: I like that dress.
BERNADETTE: What does that mean?
KIP: You look lovely.
BERNADETTE: Do I look fat!?
KIP: You’re not fat.
BERNADETTE: Do I look fat!?
KIP: No.
BERNADETTE: I feel bloated. I feel all puffed up.
KIP: You’re very thin.
BERNADETTE: I’ve been thinner.
KIP: When?
BERNADETTE: Of course I’ve been fatter too. I wish I’d known. I wish I’d had some warning. I would’ve dieted. I would’ve fasted. I hate seeing people! I hate seeing cousins and uncles and aunts. Cousin Paul was always so dashing. He looks like a helium balloon. God, I’m waterlogged. I feel like crying!
KIP: Please don’t.
BERNADETTE: Why should I be nervous? There’s nothing to be nervous about.
(General lighting comes up, revealing Sebastian as he was. Bernadette and Kip approach him.)
BERNADETTE: Sebastian?
SEBASTIAN: Bernadette?
BERNADETTE: I was afraid you wouldn’t even recognize me. I think I’m heavier than the last time we saw each other. I have no idea when that was. But I think I’m heavier.
SEBASTIAN: You look very well.
BERNADETTE: Thank you. I seem to be eating more than usual lately. I don’t seem to be able to get the food in fast enough. I don’t understand it. Did you see Cousin Paul?
SEBASTIAN: I didn’t.
BERNADETTE: Fat. Fat. Fat!
SEBASTIAN (To Kip): Have we met?
KIP: I’m Kip.
BERNADETTE: This is my husband, Kip.
SEBASTIAN: It’s nice to meet you.
BERNADETTE: You’ve met Kip.
SEBASTIAN: I have?
KIP: I think so.
SEBASTIAN: I’m very sorry.
BERNADETTE: Several times.
KIP: It’s alright.
BERNADETTE: At Thanksgiving.
SEBASTIAN: When was that?
KIP: I don’t know.
BERNADETTE: At the wedding.
SEBASTIAN: What wedding?
BERNADETTE: My wedding.
SEBASTIAN: I was there.
KIP: Thank you for the andirons.
SEBASTIAN: Don’t mention it.
BERNADETTE: Do you remember?
SEBASTIAN (To Kip): Did we speak?
KIP: I don’t recall.
BERNADETTE: You must’ve said something.
SEBASTIAN: I am sorry.
BERNADETTE: He was the groom.
KIP (Sadly): Don’t worry about it.
BERNADETTE: Kip’s a dentist.
SEBASTIAN: Congratulations.
