to stop, no matter how you and I feel about it.2 Baby Opossums are born in a rudimentary or unfinished state, from four to twenty at once. They are only half an inch long and smaller around than a Honey Bee. This seems hardly worth while, but it suits the mother Opossum, and she is the one directly involved. She thinks the other animals are crazy for having such enormous babies. So she nurses them inside her pouch for two or three months until they reach a reasonable size. During the first two weeks she closes the pouch by means of special Opossum muscles and you wouldn’t know there was anything in there. If one of the children comes out before his time she hisses, “You get right back in the marsupium!”3 Young Opossums are fully developed in a year or so. They have thumbs instead of big toes on their hind feet and not a scrap of morals. The males are just awful. When cornered the Opossum falls on his side and pretends to be dead, hoping the enemy will consider him unfit for food. Some predatory animals do not eat other animals unless they show signs of life. On the other hand, some do. That is the catch in the Opossum’s technique. Besides, we all know he is playing possum. Those things get around.4 Professor Halstead believes Opossums faint from fright and are not really playing possum at all. He states that when they open their eyes they mutter, “Where am I?” The Virginia Opossum is the biggest and best Opossum in the world. He is found in twenty-nine states. Opossums have survived largely because of their arboreal habits. They have lots of fun hanging by their tails and eating persimmons until they almost burst. By and large, there is much to be said for living in trees. Well, it’s too late to think of that now.
1 A few marsupials have no abdominal pouch and are therefore hard to identify. If you have one, however, there is no doubt what you are.
2 Opossums go back to the middle of the Upper Cretaceous, would you believe it?
3 The Opossum language consists of faint hisses, growls and grunts. It is perfectly intelligible to insiders.
4 The Opossum thinks everybody is as dumb as he is — always a dangerous assumption.
THE KANGAROO
Kangaroos live in Australia. They come to this country sometimes, but you can tell at a glance that they do not belong around here. They carry their young in fur-lined pouches instead of perambulators.1 We consider them very primitive in their notions of anatomy and they think we look awkward with wheels out in front. It’s all in the point of view.2 All Kangaroo babies are named Joey. This would not do for us either. We barely manage to keep things straight as it is, and that would be the last straw. A Joey is only an inch long at birth. He grows up in the pouch for four or five months. Then he is supposed to get out, but sometimes a Joey will stay there even after he has started a vegetable diet outside and is so large that his mother can hardly jump. He thinks he owns the place. Anyway, she knows where he is. He’s in the bag.3 When they are in a hurry Kangaroos progress by leaps and bounds on their hind legs, often covering from ten to twenty feet at a time. If they wish to go slower they hop in a similar way, only not so much so. Someone is always asking why they do this instead of running or walking. They prefer it. The Kangaroo has some good ideas. For instance, he sits on his tail. They can be taught to box, but they have a tendency to use their own rules. A favorite blow is a stiff uppercut to the solar plexus with the left hind foot. They have been known to display quite a sense of humor with their keeper and chance acquaintances. Whenever a Kangaroo puts his paws on your shoulder and gives you a big grin, that is the time to leave. The Kangaroo was discovered in 1770 by Captain James Cook, who was a great one for going to foreign lands and inquiring into the habits and customs of the people.4 When Captain Cook asked the natives of Australia the name of the strange creature, they replied “Kan-ga-roo,” and he wrote it down in his notebook. It is possible, of course, that “Kan-garoo” in the aboriginal language meant, “Oh, go away and shut up!”5 It turned out all right in the end, because any other name for the Kangaroo would sound just silly.
1 Only the females have pouches.
2 If we wanted pouches, we would have them. Anything’s possible these days.
3 The number of male Kangaroos with an Oedipus complex is surprisingly small, if that was bothering you. I haven’t the statistics right now but I can assure you there is no cause for alarm.
4 The marsupial seen by William Dampier in 1699 was only a Banded Hare Wallaby.
5 A few years later Captain Cook was slain with a blunt instrument while asking questions in the Sandwich Islands.
THE KOALA
The Koala or Native Bear of Australia is not a bear. He is a marsupial, but he wants to look like a Teddy Bear and he succeeds so well that most people think he is one.1 Koalas are quaint little creatures with woolly gray fur and an expression of utter innocence. Nobody is as innocent as all that. I wasn’t born yesterday. The truth is that Koalas are polygamous and most of them are promiscuous. Koalas live in eucalyptus trees, sleeping by day in some comfortable fork of their dwelling and eating the leaves at night. This sounds like an ideal existence, but it isn’t quite perfect. You finally run out of leaves and have to move to another tree. Koalas subsist entirely upon eucalyptus leaves and will eat only twelve of the 380 species found in Australia. If you offer them some other kind they say it’s spinach. In a state of nature they never drink any water. When offered a spoonful of the stuff, they try to chew it. In captivity they learn to drink sweetened tea and eat cake and die of indigestion. They are subject to pneumonia, ophthalmic diseases, periostitis of the skull, internal parasites, and ticks.2 The male Koala is neurotic. During the mating season from early September to late January he sits on a limb and wails all night long, stopping only for meals. When crossed in love he screams something awful, but he soon forgets the incident and resumes his soft melancholy cry. Koalas cannot remember for more than ten minutes, the lucky fellows!3 You can’t own a Koala because they are now so scarce that they are not allowed to leave Australia. Maybe it’s just as well, for pet Koalas are really something. They hate to be left alone and take steps to prevent it. They fasten their arms around your neck and hold on until forcibly detached. They also hang to your clothing by all their sharp little claws and cannot be induced to let go of your hair. You spend most of your time picking Koalas off yourself. Koalas are at their best in their favorite pick-a-back position. Mother and child are simply adorable as they look out from their tree, full-face view, watching for someone to show up with a camera. Koalas are so gentle that they never attack anybody and they cannot defend themselves because they wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to do it.4
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