energy was depleted, far past my point of tolerance, and I wanted nothing more than to collapse into my bed. The back-to-back protests, rallies and speeches were beginning to take a toll. I questioned whether I was cut out for political activism, mainly because I often felt too weak to go on. My sole motivation for persevering stemmed from an ardent belief in our cause. I couldn’t ignore the dire state of the West, no matter how much I wanted to, no matter how high the personal cost: my life ambitions, my security and privacy, my livelihood, my reputation, and more.
The second young man, Andrew, who was sitting in the back seat, answered, “How do you not remember Anna, Britt? She made us all dinner.”
“Oh—of course. Sorry, I forgot.”
I smiled sheepishly, feeling that I’d been rude. I’d met over a hundred people that day, and as a result, didn’t remember most names. Eventually, an image of Anna returned to my mind: layered brown hair, a caring smile and a slender frame wrapped in a blue trench coat that was frayed at the wrists. I recalled having spoken to her for a few minutes, recalling specifically that my impression of her had been nothing short of positive.
“It was great of her to cook for us,” Victor went on. “She even made us sandwiches for the drive home.” He motioned to three neatly-wrapped sandwiches in the back seat.
Andrew opened one of the sandwiches and took a bite. “What girl still cooks these days?” he marveled. “If Anna didn’t already have a guy, I’d call her.”
“Lots of girls can cook.” I laughed. “I’m not so bad.”
“Hey, it’s okay, Britt,” Victor said. “Nobody in the movement expects that of you. We know you’re not that kind of girl.”
I hesitated. “Not what kind of girl?”
“You know…the maternal, caring type.”
I stopped laughing as a sharp pang struck my chest.
Both Victor and Andrew noted my reaction and their shoulders stiffened, as if realizing they’d said something hurtful.
“We don’t mean anything bad by it,” Andrew assured. “We just meant that you’re sort of different.”
“You might not be as maternal as Anna,” Victor added, “but Anna’s not political and she could never do what you do. Most girls couldn’t.”
I smiled and shrugged off the conversation, passing the remainder of the trip in silence. I wasn’t comforted by their words, mainly because they were wrong. I couldcook. I’d learned from one of the best cooks in the world: my mother. The reason I hadn’t helped Anna make dinner was because, after spending the entire day in a riot, I was tired and distracted. Not to mention, my friends hadn’t known me long. We’d never been in a situation where I could cook for them. Plus, I would have preferred to be in the kitchen cooking rather than risking my life to give a speech or film a YouTube video.
Although the young men’s comparison struck a nerve in my feminine pride, for as long as I knew them, they never compared me again—at least not to my face. In this respect, communicating to our friends and loved ones how we feel is imperative. Without communication, the channel to understanding the world around us is cut. We might even end up developing a false sense of how our loved ones perceive us, which could destroy our relationships irreparably.
On the other hand, if the negative comparison was intentional and the person, even though they love us, made the comparison deliberately to hurt us because they were angry, we simply have to come to terms with the fact that people say harsh words out of anger all the time—and more often than not, they don’t truly mean what they’re saying in regards to insulting us. Many of us likely already understand this because we’re guilty of using harsh words in moments of anger ourselves. It might take some time, but if the person loves us, eventually they’ll apologize.
When You Think Others Are Not Good Enough
Growing up, my parents had house rules which they expected all of the children to follow. Naturally, being a bit of a rebel during my early teens, I often broke these rules. I remember using the negative comparison method on mother as a means to get my way. When, for good reason, she wouldn’t allow me to do some activity or attend some concert or party, I’d tell her: “Why can’t you just be like other mothers? Why do you have to be so strict?” Looking back, this harsh comparison must have hurt my mother, especially because her rules came from a place of love, from a desire to protect. She had my best interest in mind. And me, well…I just wanted my way.
Every girl understands the pain of being compared to others. We understand the damage it causes to our sense of self-worth because we’ve experienced it, which is why it’s also important to ask ourselves if we’ve ever turned the tables and been the ones who made comparisons. If so, we are guilty of inflicting the same sense of inadequacy that we’ve felt onto others.
I once knew a family with two girls: Emma and Adriana. Emma was married to the type of man that many girls hope to meet—protective, loyal, hard-working, ambitious, generous, humorous and great with children. Adriana, who was unmarried, was constantly fixating upon Emma’s relationship, telling herself that she wouldn’t settle for or be content with a young man who didn’t have all the qualities that Emma’s husband had. Adriana’s relationships suffered as a result; they always ended in breakups. Perhaps her relationships would’ve ended in breakups either way, but perhaps one might’ve worked out if she had simply stopped comparing her boyfriends to Emma’s husband, trying to discern if they had all the qualities that she desired and criticizing them if they did not.
Few things damage a young man’s confidence in himself as much as being compared to other young men, especially if the person comparing him is the girl he loves. The reason for this is that every man wants to be admired. If we are constantly criticizing him for what he isn’t instead of admiring him for what he is, he might lose the motivation to improve. He might grow distant and start to resent us. He might even fall out of love with us.
While it’s necessary to have standards, it’s also necessary to be realistic. And the reality is that all human beings are imperfect. If we can’t leave room for other people’s imperfections, how can we expect them to leave room for ours? It would be unfair to have a fifty-page checklist that a girl must meet before we’re friends with her, or that a young man must meet before we date him.
Of course, there are fundamentals—such as complimentary life goals and similar religious beliefs—that we might require in friend or boyfriend, but when it comes to the details, we must accept their imperfections and appreciate them for all the good qualities that they do have. In doing so, our friend or boyfriend might even end up developing the extra good qualities that we want.
No one is perfect. Despite what Adriana believed, Emma’s husband wasn’t perfect, even if he appeared so from the outside. Every friendship, every romance has its trials and struggles. The biggest difference between successful and unsuccessful relationships—no matter if the relationship involves family, friends or romance—is how we deal with the trials and struggles.
When You Think Others Are Good Enough
(And It Makes You Better)
The reason I have specifically used the term “negative comparison” in this chapter is because I wanted to make it clear that not all comparison is destructive. In fact, certain types of comparison
