wrote “M: no affrays or advances” in his workbook and thought about Quist’s attack on Hemingway, before wondering briefly about (a) the banana left by persons unknown on his desk the previous week; (b) Hemingway’s ogling of his crotch earlier that morning; and (c) the undertaking given by Hemingway, just minutes before, not to peek too long in the event of a shared tinkle.
“Consistent with my zero-tolerance policy and notwithstanding the brief time we may yet spend together as a branch, I have asked our Sexual Harassment Contact Officer, Ms Wheelwright, to make appointments with all section heads – and, of course, Alan – to discuss further preventive actions.”
Alan’s sensitive antennae picked up silent groans in all quarters.
“Any questions?”
Alan wrote the words “pre-holiday harassment harangues” in his workbook.
“Only one,” said the Business Unit Manager. “Has Quentin managed–“
“–I’d rather we didn’t use the names of people involved in the incident,” said Miserable.
Anonymity seemed pointless to Alan, as the identities of harasser and victim had been known to everyone on the floor within minutes of Azure’s tiny fist making contact with Quentin’s left eye. A highly efficient gossip network had ensured as much; so had the heightened observational skills of Peaches Trefusis, who’d approached the copy room just as Quentin Quist’s trembling hand reached out to one of the irresistible cheeks.
The Business Unit Manager attempted to put her question to Miserable a second time.
“Has the redeployed officer, whose name we all know but are not permitted to mention, escaped redundancy by being redeployed?”
This possibility hadn’t occurred to Alan. Groans from the various directors indicated that they, too, hadn’t foreseen such an outcome.
“I don’t think we’re talking about any forced redundancies just yet,” said Miserable.
“But you agree,” said the chicken nugget director, “that it wouldn’t be a good look if we ended up without employment simply because we weren’t badly behaved enough to be transferred away from the branch.”
Everyone took a moment to sort out the intent of this seemingly impenetrable statement. Alan then wrote “perverse indecency incentive” in his notebook. He anticipated that Morton, who was usually a step ahead of events, would soon enough be raising the same issue.
“I take issue with a number of elements of your question,” said Miserable, “but am, at the same time, quite aware of the various ways in which the situation you mention might be viewed by others, should it transpire.”
Alan wrote “QQ sidesteps sack?” in his notebook.
“If there are no more questions…?” said Miserable.
There were none.
“Good. The other matter I wanted to speak to you about concerns redundancies, more generally.”
Alan readied himself for more notes.
“We know from past experience that there will be some staff members who, to press their claims for retrenchment, will now behave in peculiar ways.”
Alan thought about previous redundancy rounds and the strategies employed by individuals to create the impression of mental instability, so as to secure places on the list of departing officers. A few nudists were always to be expected, as were figures from popular culture, history and literature – all appropriately costumed, except for the naturists – as well as persons entitled to wear uniforms of various sorts, including members of the constabulary and the military. His personal favourites, though, were always colleagues who pretended to be less exuberant members of the animal kingdom. He recalled a Clerk Class 11 who’d assumed the persona of a wombat, spending the day (excluding the lunch-time grocery-shopping opportunity) silent and under his desk. He recalled, too, a Clerical Assistant Grade 9 mountain goat who’d wandered amiably around the office, chewing on pot plants and unattended shoes, and, finally, a Murray Cod Typist Supervisor who’d forsaken conversation for occasional open-mouthed tongue-clicking noises intended to approximate the sound of bubbles either leaving the fish-mouth or reaching the water’s surface.
“We will doubtless have the usual range of the unclothed, of exotic indigenes, of historical figures and so forth: people from the branch who are determined to be made redundant if it transpires that we are not to be completely abolished. There may also be officers from the broader department who want to be at the top of the list, if all of our positions are to go and the usual job-swap arrangements are in place.”
While Miserable took a big gulp from his mug, Alan started to assemble a list of assistant directors who might be keen to swap with him.
“There will always be officers who want to be certain of a golden handshake,” said Miserable, before taking an even bigger swig of coffee. “But I want you to know – and I want your people to know – that I will not be rewarding bad behaviour this time around. Indeed, I refuse to entertain expressions of interest in redundancy from anyone acting strangely, unless of course they happen to have been ‘a screw loose’ for quite some time.”
In Alan’s experience, such principled statements of intention rarely resulted in a happy outcome. He wrote “no farewell funds for phonies” in his workbook, before crossing the text out in favour of “no pecuniary prizes for pretenders”.
“And anyone who is at any point naked in the workplace – even if they are disrobing at their desk and getting dressed, again, before moving about the office – will not be considered for redundancy in any circumstances. Indeed, they can expect to be referred to the Commonwealth Medical Officer for the most exhaustive psychological testing, with disciplinary action to follow, if found not to be loopy.”
Alan wrote “nude to Dr and disciplined if not deranged” in his notebook, while a few of the directors sighed and the remainder sniggered.
“How likely is it that anyone working here would be found to be normal?” scoffed the chicken nuggets director.
Alan thought himself to be almost abnormally normal but decided not to cavil with the proposition. Miserable, too, seemed to think it undeserving of attention.
“I have nothing against nudity at the right time and place – when bathing or at the doctor’s, or perhaps on the occasion of a same-sex sauna with Finnish familiars – but the appropriate time is not now or any time soon, and the appropriate place is certainly not here or – now I think about it – anywhere remotely near here.”
Alan wrote “no undress except ablutions, medical or Scandinavia” in his workbook.
“And I refuse – yes, refuse – to spend my days responding to complaints from the clothed about the unclothed, as I was required to do during previous redundancy rounds. That said, though, I don’t want you remonstrating with anyone who is naked. I think we’ve had quite enough workplace violence in recent times, don’t you?”
Alan wrote “no admonish unclad” in his workbook and thought guiltily about the violence visited upon Ernest Hemingway by Quentin Quist. Miserable refilled his mug.
“What I require of you until further notice is a weekly list of staff in your sections who are behaving strangely.”
“That
