listed in the branch business plan and making file notes of every conversation and phone call.”
Alan could readily have taken issue with these alleged manifestations of mental illness – all behaviours with which he was well acquainted – but, in the interest of brevity, attempted to move things on, yet again. “Talk to Morton or me after the meeting,” he said to Hemingway, “if you require more context.”
“I always thought the secret to a successful redundancy bid,” said Trevithick, ignoring Alan’s ‘no dallying’ signal, “was to be just annoying or embarrassing enough to make management keen to see you off.”
“That might once have been the case,” said Morton, “but over the years managers have become immune to lower order, day-to-day irritation.”
“I really do think we should move on,” said Alan, returning his focus to his workbook and finding his notes of the directors’ meeting more cryptic than helpful. “I think Marcus’s next point was that no one is to pay attention to the individuals engaged in the sorts of behaviour we’ve been talking about … except to expedite normal business, and in so far as each section ─ and this is the important bit ─ each section must gather the information necessary to complete and lodge two forms.”
Everyone groaned.
“Let me continue, please: one form to be completed and lodged on a weekly basis vis-à-vis people who are acting abnormally but are clothed ─”
“That would be most of us on any day,” said Morton.
“I believe that joke has already been made,” said Alan.
“Not by me” said Morton.
“I didn’t think it was a joke,” said Trevithick.
“─ and a second form,” said Alan, “to be completed and lodged daily – yes, daily – as regards persons who are …”
“Nude?” asked O’Kane.
“Yes,” said Alan.
“Whether acting otherwise abnormally or not?” said Morton.
“I suppose so,” said Alan. “Yes.”
“For the sake of clarity,” said Morton, “can you tell us, again, please, what the purpose of these forms is?”
“I think I’ve already explained that,” said Alan.
“I must have missed it,” said Morton.
“The forms are to exclude certain persons from the redundancy priority list, should there be one.”
“Isn’t that discriminatory?” said Hemingway, without O’Kane’s permission.
“And isn’t it a bit harsh on those officers,” said Morton, “who want to play ‘dress ups’ or feel the breeze through their undergrowth without aspiring to unemployment.”
Alan winced. “I’m sure that, as each of the sections meet, this afternoon, the consequences of any future aberrant behaviour will be discussed, so that people who are tempted to dress up or divest themselves of their garments for reasons unrelated to their employment, will be made aware of the consequences of their actions before they give in to temptation.”
“But completing the forms still seems like dobbing, doesn’t it?” said O’Kane.
“I’m sure the union will take the appropriate action if that conclusion is more widely reached,” said Alan.
“Anything that reduces the incidence of nudity is to be applauded in my view,” said Trevithick. “It can be very traumatic coming out of the lift or the file storage area and finding genitals right under your nose.”
Alan’s thoughts went to bizarre and unhygienic facial deformities.
“God forbid,” said Morton, looking at Trevithick, “that we should be forced to acknowledge the existence of naughty bits or the evil that we might do with them.”
“Hear, hear,” said Hemingway, earning a stern look from O’Kane.
“On a more practical matter,” said Morton, “much pointless paperwork will be created if a single nudey decides to stroll across the entire floor and each section has someone completing the form.”
“You have a point,” said Alan.
“And how is the person filling in the nude one of the two forms to identify the naked individual if their name isn’t known to witnesses?” said O’Kane.
“Or if it isn’t, serendipitously, tattooed somewhere prominent,” said Morton.
Alan tried to ignore a fast sequence of unsavoury images that played across his consciousness. “There are, inevitably problems to be ironed out in any new procedure, but we’ll work our way through them, as we always do.”
“Revelation 16:15,” said Trevithick, looking mightily pleased with himself.“Blessed is the one who stays awake, keeping his garments on, that he may not go about naked and be seen exposed.”
“I’ve been waiting for that,” said Morton.
“For Revelation 16:15?” asked Trevithick, surprised.
“No, for a quotation reproachful of nudity.”
“Permission to speak?” said Hemingway to O’Kane.
“Granted, but be mindful of the code of conduct. I sense that you are about to move into dangerous territory.”
“If the names of naked persons are not known,” said Hemingway, “their essential attributes could be described, couldn’t they?”
“How would that help?” said Trevithick, before anyone could ask about the precise nature of the attributes.
Hemingway looked at O’Kane, who nodded permission for a further contribution to the discussion. “The key characteristics of the essential organ could be noted for the purpose of a matching exercise – a sort of identity parade – later.”
“Ghost!” exclaimed Alan.
“You’d be the only person present,” said O’Kane to Hemingway, “who could make the necessary distinctions: one organ from another.”
“But only for the men,” Hemingway replied.
“What a sight: everyone in their birthday suits,” said Morton cheerfully, “for the purpose of identification.”
“This is disgraceful,” said Trevithick.
“Gentlemen, do I have a volunteer to trial the forms and report on any initial incidents?” Alan asked, flustered.
Everybody avoided his gaze.
“I’d do it myself but for the fact that I picked up some extra tasks today.”
Silence.
