The Parisian!
COCARDASSE: Lagardère!
ALL: (bowing with respect) Captain Lagardère—
LAGARDÈRE: What the devil are you doing so far from the street of Croix des Petits Champs, my two masters?
COCARDASSE: Formerly, but today your servants, O great man.
PASSEPOIL: Your slaves.
LAGARDÈRE And this one? (pointing to Staupitz) I’ve seen him somewhere!
STAUPITZ: At Strasbourg, Captain (rubbing his shoulder) I recall it.
LAGARDÈRE: Staupitz, isn’t it? Ah, ah! Jouel! Saldagne, Pinto. We met at Bayenne, I think? And Matador Faenza—I recognize you all and you all bear my marks. (to Page) Come here, child, tell me what you are doing in this inn?
PAGE: I’m coming to bring a letter, Captain.
LAGARDÈRE: To whom?
PAGE: To you.
LAGARDÈRE: To me? Give it to me.
PAGE: (low) I had another one for a lady and I really wanted—
LAGARDÈRE: (tossing him his purse) Go, little one. No one will disturb you. My volunteers will escort you.
PAGE: Thanks, Captain (leaves with others)
LAGARDÈRE: (opening the letter as everyone comes close to him) Make room. I prefer to open my correspondence alone. (the others move away, hats down) By Heaven! He’s a true gentleman, this Nevers.
ALL: Nevers!
LAGARDÈRE: (seated in Cocardasse’s place) Something to drink, first of all. My heart is content. I have to tell you I am exiled.
COCARDASSE: Exiled!
PASSEPOIL: You!
LAGARDÈRE: Eh, my God, yes! Do you know that huge devil of a Belissen?
COCARDASSE: Baron Belissen?
PASSEPOIL: Belissen the Duelist?
LAGARDÈRE: The deceased Belissen.
COCARDASSE: He’s dead?
LAGARDÈRE: Naturally, since I killed him. He wanted to play insults with me, and that displeased me, and as I promised His Majesty when he deigned to create me a knight, not to cast injurious words at anyone, I pulled his ears. That was not to his taste.
COCARDASSE: I believe it.
LAGARDÈRE: He said so to me very loudly—and behind the Arsenal I gave him a straight goodbye blow—to the depths.
COCARDASSE: (forgetting himself) Ah, rogue! How well you stretched him out. That blow—
LAGARDÈRE: (rising) To whom are you speaking?
COCARDASSE: (bowing) Ah, pardon, pardon!
LAGARDÈRE: There’s justice. They owe me the best since I beat a wolf-head! They exiled me, but I swore that I won’t cross the frontier without allowing myself a last fantasy. (he raps on the letter) Tell me, my valiants, you’ve heard tell of the thrust of Nevers?
ALL: By Jove!
LAGARDÈRE: This cursed thrust was my bête-noir; it prevented me from sleeping, besides this Nevers talked too much of it at court, in town, in the cabaret, in quarters. I heard only one name, Nevers, Nevers. One night, my hostess was serving me cutlets à la Nevers. I threw the dish out the window and left without supper. At the gate, I yelled at my shoe-maker who was bringing me boots—à la Nevers, the latest fashion! I beat up my bootmaker and threw ten crowns in his face. The wise guy said to me, “Ah, Mr. de Nevers beat me once, but he gave me a hundred pistoles.”
CORCADASSE: That’s too much.
LAGARDÈRE: I jumped on my horse and went to await Nevers at the exit from the Louvre. “Duke,” I said to him, “I have great confidence in your courtesy; I am coming to ask you to show me your secret thrust in the moonlight” He looked at me and said, “Your name?” “Lagardère.” “Ah, ah, you are Lagardère. They often mention you to me and that bores me. So, if you don’t find me much, little gentleman,” he jumped on his horse, Ah, I have to say he did it charmingly: instead of replying to me he placed his rapier between my two eyebrows, so roughly and so fast but for a leap of two bounds that I made backwards. “Again, a short lesson, Duke.” “At your service, Chevalier.” I told you he was charming. “We will fall back on guard—plague!” This time he gave me a scratch on the face. I was troubled, me, Lagardère.
(All the Bravos look at Lagardère and move past him.)
COCARDASSE: Caramba! That’s scary!
LAGARDÈRE: I hadn’t reached the parade yet. That man’s as quick as powder. But I had seen the feint, Goddam! I had studied him in the silence of the closet, and now I possess him as well as you!
COCARDASSE: It could serve you one day.
LAGARDÈRE: It will serve me right away.
COCARDASSE: What do you mean?
LAGARDÈRE: Nevers has promised me revenge. I wrote him at his Château, and his response is: he accepts the meeting, the hour and the place.
COCARDASSE: What day?
LAGARDÈRE: Tonight.
PASSEPOIL: The time?
LAGARDÈRE: Nine o’clock.
COCARDASSE: The place?
LAGARDÈRE: The moats of the Château of Caylus!
COCARDASSE: (looking at the bravos) Sonofabitch! And why this place?
LAGARDÈRE: Second fantasy, I allowed myself to say that the old Marquis de Caylus had the most beautiful daughter in the world and that Mr. de Nevers was in love with her. Well, I want to take from Mr. de Nevers his mysterious thrust and his mysterious mistress. Why aren’t you laughing, my wise guys?
COCARDASSE: Is it that in your letter to Mr. de Nevers you had the trashy idea of mentioning Miss Blanche de Caylus to him?
PASSEPOIL: We are thinking, Chevalier, that it is really fortunate that we will be here to serve you.
COCARDASSE: The kid’s right; we are going to give you a famous hand. Isn’t that right, the rest of you?
LAGARDÈRE: And since when have I lost the habit of managing my own affairs myself? On my soul, here are some pleasant buffoons with their service. One final drink and empty the
