even finishing the sentence hurried towards the stairs to the second floor. Squint-Eye was right behind him, not even bothering to make up an excuse.
"We must go, too" – Orel said. "It's time we attend to business. Tol!" – he called, giving Tol a meaningful stare.
"What business, in the middle of the night" – Tol muttered grumpily, it didn't seem like he's about to go anywhere, even though he took Orel's hint.
"To-o-ol!"
"Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming, why do you have to yell?! I got it. Bye, Lis. Bye, Carina. Good luck…"
"T-o-o-l!"
Carina and Lis were left alone. Lis was sitting in front of her, he didn't change his stature. Didn't try to leave, oh no. Finally, he slowly lifted his dark head, hair parted right in the middle, and looked at her, and Carina thought that Arel has left her alone again.
Alone with Lis. She looked into his eyes and didn't recognize him, it's a different glance, completely different. A glance of a very mature person, of an old man. He really did get old, or maybe it's that dye made him look older, and the black hair. What does his face look like without this dye, are his cheeks and nose still covered in freckles, or maybe they're gone, just like the light from his eyes. So silly… And he was almost a king, a king of the "reds" in this world. But he lost everything. Became a slave. Because of her.
"Why didn't you tell them yourself?" – she finally asked the question that was taunting her all this time. Why didn't he tell Orel, why did he keep quiet, covering for her. And if she hasn't told them, would he just keep quiet?
"I was waiting for you to do it".
"And you weren't even scared".
"No. This doesn't change anything. You saw how Arel took it".
"I did".
She looked at him, right into his yellow, slightly slanting eyes, eyes so different from those of the "blacks", the strange eyes of another world's dweller. "I couldn't do it differently back then…"
He just grinned, opening his jacket and exposing his chest: "You see, not even a scar left. You might have known and even killed some 'red' half-blood Sigmer. But Atley Alis has never met you before."
"That's true. You know, when I first saw you… I didn't recognize you! You have really changed," – she paused, – "Changed a lot. Why are you with them? Grey and black just like them!"
"A slave to Arel".
"Why?!"
Lis shrugged: "That was his condition, and I didn't have a choice back then".
"Arel is insane, totally insane, actually. For real. This honesty of his… He's not even afraid to be weak."
"He's only honest with those he considers close, and he isn't afraid to appear weak, because he is very strong".
"And you?"
"I'm not like that. Once in a lifetime I also wasn't afraid to be weak, dared to open up, exposed myself, my heart…and got a knife in it. No nobody else will ever be able to get so deep inside of me. To know my weaknesses, to know me. You think that I'm crushed, that I'm lonely, but no, not at all. There's no one in this world, whom I would want to enter my heart again, open all my doors towards. I love Arel a lot, but that's different. We don't need this all-consuming closeness. For him, wherever I let him – it's enough. Generally, Arel never pries, it's very easy with him in this sense. And you can't defeat him like me. You are walking around so pleased, thinking you've got him in your staunch paws, but you are mistaken. You succeeded with me, and you would with anybody else, but not with Arel. Me, I'm a regular guy, with a regular way of thinking, and my feelings are pretty primal, as well. I'm just a bit more attentive than others, a bit more hardworking, not as lazy as most people. And you are also regular, you may not flatter yourself. That's why it all worked with me. But Arel is different, you could never understand him, and so you could never defeat him. His heart will forever be unavailable for you; you don't have the key. You may be grinning inside right now, thinking 'how come not, but he's with me', but soon you will realize you were mistaken. I was mistaken the exact same way. I also used to think that Arel was with me. Everybody think Arel is with them. And he is with everybody, and with nobody. All this time you were staring at me like this, you think I'm miserable, but you don't get it, I like it here, I'm good. I'm among my own kind. And you, you are all alone, just like before, not a single loving soul by your side…”
“I truly am sorry…”
“What is it that you want? You came to finish whatever you couldn’t do back then? Why didn’t you tell them that you hand shook and your blow wasn’t exactly to the heart? I know, don’t answer that, you didn’t tell them because you were afraid, afraid to appear weak. Because they might have thought that you too, fell in love with him, with your enemy.
“Tell them”.
“Why should I, I don’t need it all the more. I don’t care! It would be better if everything happened just like you said. And would be better if I died back then!”
“I caused you pain…”
“None of this matters.”
“Why did you stay in the castle, if you think that I came for you?”
“I have nowhere else to run, I told you, here is my real home, my family, which I didn’t have otherwise. Not with my mother, not with my father, not with you…”
“Don’t say that!”
“I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve had everything, even love”.
“No!”
“I will go to a slaughter like a ship”.
“Stop it!”
“Go to sleep in peace, Carina, I won’t escape from you”.
“Lis…”
“Go away already! Don’t you see that everything has finished a long time ago? I don’t give a damn what you do. With Arel or with anybody else. As far as I’m concerned, you can fuck all of them, if Arel will share you around, just like his other girls! I will fuck you like the rest. I warned you!”
Carina’s face changed, they really had nothing to talk about anymore, he became as damaged as everybody else in this god damned castle, he is right, there’s nothing left in him from the great Sigmer, he really was a different person. Arel’s person. Arel’s slave. She got up: “Good night!”
Why do her legs feel like wood?
When her footsteps died down upstairs, Lis kept sitting without moving for a while, staring on the flames in the fireplace. Then he suddenly fell upon the furs, tucking his face in the pelage. And just lay like this, face down, on the old furs, alone in a huge empty hall, and the glare of the fire have tried unsuccessfully to dye his hair red.
Chapter
