truly experience being deeply loved.
Community gets messy. Trying to maintain order, we hold friendships (or small groups) at the surface, fearful yet dissatisfied. In so doing, we miss out on relationships that could be a catalyst for growth in our lives.
PRESENCE PRACTICE
The first step to finding a spiritual friendship or “soul friend” might seem counterintuitive: begin by spending time alone.
Bring a sheet of paper or journal into this time, but nothing else—your goal is to listen. Quiet yourself, ask Jesus to simply be with you as you sit quietly, resting in his presence. Think back over the last year or so. When was a time that you felt loved or encouraged by another person? When was a time when someone was “Jesus with skin on” to you? Ask Jesus to bring people or situations to mind and simply begin to list them in your journal without editing or judging.
Once you have two or three names, ask this question: in which of these friends is there potential to go deeper? Which of them would respond positively to a simple request to include sharing about your spiritual life in your interactions? Who encourages you? You are not looking for a mentor but a companion, so your focus should be on the relationships in your life that you’d classify as reciprocal or even.
Sit quietly; listen. Continue to be open to Jesus bringing other people to mind or affirming someone on your list.
Pray for one person on your list. Then, invite them to get together for a cup of coffee or whatever.
When you get together, simply say, “I’d really like to take a couple of my friendships to a deeper place, and I think our friendship has that potential. I’m wondering if you’d be open to making our friendship one where we can talk honestly about our spiritual lives?”
Let things evolve from there—don’t rush it. Let God direct and lead.
DAY 9
ALONE
Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!” (Mark 1:35-37 NIV)
The wooden structure clinging tenuously to the back of our house is a sorry excuse for a deck. Some of the boards are spongy. The railing does not resist when you pick at it with a fingernail—fragments soft and splintery come away. In one corner, a bright green moss spiked with red stamens grows next to a grease stain from the grill.
Still, this crumbling platform is a sanctuary. Especially on a fall morning, when the sun plays in the curtain of weeping willow branches along the fence line, and the squirrels chatter as they chase one another along the intricate paths of the small wood behind the house. Far off, I can hear the whir of traffic noise, muted by the birdsong that fills the trees a few feet away.
Here, on this rustic, rotting deck, peace finds me, noses my hand like a dog insisting on being stroked. I jot notes in a journal on my lap. Coffee steams strong and fragrant in a well-used mug on the picnic table. I escape, if only to a spot a few feet from my family and the endless household chores that demand my attention. My only goal is to find a piece of quiet, a few moments’ respite before plunging headlong into my day as a working mom.
I open my Bible, read just a few verses. Ask Jesus to meet me here, in the quiet. I begin to pour out my heart, listen for his gentle whispers. I make a list in my journal of three things I’m grateful for. I open my hands to let go of my demands for an “experience,” open my heart to his loving presence.
Silence fills my soul; solitude replenishes me. But it slips away as members of my family, in the kitchen making lunches and breakfast, call through the screen door to ask me questions, or venture out with permission slips or other paperwork they need me to sign.
Like Jesus, I’m sought out by people who seem ready to say, stern and accusing, “Everyone is looking for you!”
Jesus, pursued by the needs of others, spent time alone. In the face of ministry demands, he did not charge ahead but retreated, if only to steal a few moments in prayer. Solitude, time alone with his Father, fortified his soul, strengthened him to meet the demands of healing, teaching, and, ultimately, of suffering.
Imagine that you have a friend who is married but who never really spends time with her spouse. (For some of you, you don’t have to imagine—you know people like this. Or even, this is the reality of your busy life.) Whether it’s the kids’ schedules, working different shifts, or just a slow and steady drift apart, they rarely talk, and then only to communicate details about who’s doing what. Imagine, then, that this married person often complains that although she knows that her spouse loves her, it’s hard to feel that love, to know it deep within.
What advice would you give this spouse, longing to feel the love of her husband? Hopefully it’s obvious: in order to feel more connected, this person needs to spend time with her spouse. It’s that simple. Sit down on the couch and talk about your day. Go for a walk and talk about your dreams. Go golfing or sailing or enjoy some other activity together. Make love. Just be together!
What is true of human relationships is true of our relationship with Jesus. In order to “feel” connected to him, we must spend time with him. Intimacy requires time spent one-on-one with the lover of our souls. Solitude is simply one-on-one time with Jesus, where we talk, we listen, we walk quietly side by side.
Introverts are drawn to solitude. Even so, carving out time to simply be still takes effort and intention. Actually scheduling time alone and guarding that time requires strong intention. To bridge the gap between our desire and our actions, we must shut off the phone and outside distractions, get to a quiet place, and meet with him.
Extroverts find challenge in even wanting to be alone. Their desire is buried deep and must be extricated with the promise that solitude is actually a time of connection—with God. Because they often hear God through the voice of other people, this practice is a stretch for extroverts—and yet essential if they are to avoid unhealthy dependence upon others.
Regardless of personality type, Jesus calls us to walk with him, to listen to him. He calls us to ignore the clamor of the needs of others, if only for a little while, so that we can be with him. Solitude is the place we can receive without distraction all our Jesus wants to give us. By simply withdrawing from the noise and stimulation, we can be deeply loved and know it well.
PRESENCE PRACTICE
Set aside one hour within the next twenty-four—your lunch hour, perhaps, or early tomorrow morning. Block it out as you would an important appointment so that if someone asks if you’re available, you can say that magical word that leads to growth: “no.”
During that hour, do whatever is necessary to be alone. You may have to leave your house or your office. Getting to a place where you can truly be alone may require some effort. For this particular practice, avoid places like coffee shops, where you can easily run into someone or be interrupted.
Bring along only your Bible and a journal or notebook. While solitude can be spent in a variety of ways, today
