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“How do I know which ones to cut?”
I asked the old Vinedresser.
“There’s no one perfect answer,” she replied.
A healthy life requires a balance of self-expression and discipline. No one benefits from never being denied anything or experiencing the consequences of negative behavior. During a period of frenzy over a particular high-demand toy, there was a story about a man who traveled to another country to get it for his child. When asked why he had gone to this extreme, he said that it broke his heart to see his daughter cry and he didn’t want to disappoint her. God help anyone who has to deal with her as an adult after being raised in that atmosphere.
This kind of indulgence is one end of the spectrum of discipline. On the opposite end is the stunting that comes from too much discipline. There are many other ways that someone becomes misshapen in his or her formative years. A child may be ridiculed for something he or she enjoys. There may be clear messages that something about that activity is abnormal or unacceptable, as when a boy wants to dance ballet or a girl is too assertive. They may be forced into directions that are not compatible with their own talents or desires. I have met more than one young person who is suffering conflict over the expectation to take up a certain career because of a parent’s attraction to it and not his or her own. An adult may tell a child to stop dreaming and accept the harsh reality of life rather than offer encouragement to think big. An abusive, deprived, or emotionally unbalanced environment can lead to lifelong struggles against the negative messages one has learned.
The failure to give a healthy balance of criticism and praise leaves one unprepared for the real world. Each person must face the way the past has affected the adult he or she has become. You can’t choose where you came from, only where you end up.
“For those first few years, you determine the shape,” the Vinedresser told me. “Every year little canes appear and every year you cut most of them away. In that way the trunk gains in size and strength.”
“At the same time, remember
to feed the roots as well.”
To grow a vine, to establish a vineyard,
you always have to keep making strategic choices.
Our parents, our teachers, and other influential adults root us. Without much other information with which to compare it, we believe much of what they say and respond accordingly. A child who is reinforced for self-centered behavior may become more demanding. A child constantly derided or ignored may become more invisible. A child who feels loved and valued may face the world with growing confidence and security.
The challenges we face, the losses we experience, and the values we try to practice can seem like injuries or deprivations on the surface. Yet, as when a vine loses some of its branches, its vital energy is gathered in a deeper place. Some kinds of plants are nourished by dense networks of tiny hair-like roots. Their strength comes from the way these mat together and intertwine. Although each root by itself is frail, they are able to support one another. These kinds of plants are usually small and thick, like grasses.
The strongest root systems for larger plants involve thick, deep root systems. The grapevines reach deep below, harden along the surface, and branch out year after year. The more roots there are and the more sturdy and branched they are, the better the plant can search out what it needs from the soil to live. Such a system also gives the plant a broad and firm base so that it can get taller and stronger and still have a solid footing to keep it stable.
Many kinds of plants have a taproot, a very long and powerful root that runs straight down deep into the earth in addition to the regular system of roots. As it grows larger and deeper, it is able to bring hidden resources to the plant. Some desert plants have taproots that are more than a hundred feet deep, allowing them to get to a water source deep below the surface in an area that appears to be completely without moisture. These plants survive despite their environment because they have been able to grow down as well as up.
Every person needs a taproot, something that reaches from within to find the deepest source of nourishment that it can. We all need to be fed from sources other than ourselves, sources that connect us to the broader web of creation or to a reserve of refreshment for arid times or essential elements that we cannot produce independently. We have to be always reaching and searching, pushing energy down as well as up. If not, when the surface conditions are not sufficient to sustain us, we will quickly starve.
Leave some large canes on top,
ready to bear fruit.
Leave some shorter canes
to grow stronger for next year’s fruit.
Leave some new growth at the bottom,
allowing future canes to develop.
And always consider and plan for an overall shape.
