until things changed, she was the man of it.
While Needy began to recount the several imaginary encounters she would’ve had with men she’d never met, which was unnecessary because none of them had a man, Birdie found herself looking over at Petunia.
As physically challenged as Petunia might’ve looked at thirty-six, Birdie wasn’t much better at the age of forty-two, with just a little more meat on her bones.
Birdie suddenly started feeling uneasy. A twinge of jealousy was invading her spirit, and she wasn’t comfortable about it. She sat farther back in her chair and started to sulk when she realized why. She was afraid that Petunia might get a real date before she did.
Petunia wasn’t aware of Birdie’s discomfort as she rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth at Needy. She held up one skinny palm so Needy could talk to it, instead. With her position silently stated, Petunia wiggled in her seat, eager to start the lying fest. Looking like a nervous and anemic worm on a hook, she was so busy trying to be dramatic that she didn’t see Birdie jump from her seat, trying to be the first one to set it off.
Birdie shuffled her feet from side to side, ready to deliver her news. “While Petunia is getting her act together, I’ve got something to tell.”
Knowing that she had all eyes upon her, Birdie took time to flick away an invisible piece of lint from her green couture dress. She wanted to give the other women a chance to envy her new matching green Manolo Blahnik shoes. Which was something she’d never have done before joining this very vocal group.
The way the other women, including Needy, smiled and gave appreciative nods towards Birdie now angered Petunia. No, this heifer did not dismiss me, Petunia thought, as her eyes narrowed into two slits. Evil thoughts of what she’d like to do to Birdie weighed heavy on Petunia, causing her to sink lower in her seat. She sank until she almost disappeared into the cushions. Any farther and she’d have looked like a needle stuck in a pincushion.
Making sure she had everyone’s full attention, Birdie’s voice took on a phony seductive tone as she spoke her words, hushed and raspy. “It was simply amazing—”
“Say what!” Cill blurted, her words tinged with a taste of jealousy. She’d decided that just a nod of acknowledgment would not do. “Please don’t play with us.” She leaned forward while twirling a stubborn chin hair. “How did that happen? Are there any other details?”
The room was quiet as everyone leaned forward. Birdie thought they were about to hang on her every word but the other women’s attention was really captured by Cill’s unyielding chin hair that she twirled like a baton.
No one was ever sure if that was the only chin hair Cill had, or just a hair that she’d missed while shaving. But then again, the women were never sure exactly why she attended the singles ministry meeting since she looked like she loved being a switch-hitter in the game of life and a good one at that.
“Well, until he recently contacted me, it was about two years ago since I’d seen him,” Birdie said slowly as she watched the other women’s attention return from Cill’s stubborn chin hair back to her. “I’d gone to the prison—”
“You mean to tell us that you got a date and a marriage possibility while up there at the prison?” Petunia interrupted. Thinking there was more drama coming, she was giving Birdie her full attention. She could hardly contain her excitement as she thought, Imagine, meeting a man working in the prison? Why didn’t I think about going to prison?
“Anyway, like I was saying,” Birdie continued with a little annoyance in her voice as she tossed her long brunette hair over her shoulders with an exaggerated head shake, “it was while I was talking to one of the guards and he was commenting on how nice my outfit was—”
“Now, ain’t God good? You wore something decent for once and you were rewarded by meeting a nice man with a job,” Mother Blister quipped, cutting Birdie off as she stood to answer the nonstop urge from a non-cooperating bladder. By the time she realized it wasn’t sweat dripping between her legs she really needed to go. All those false alarms finally caught up with her. She was rushing out of the room so fast she looked like a speeding shadow.
Before Birdie could reply, Needy quickly picked up where Mother Blister left off. “You sure are blessed. You went up to that prison—no doubt to do some prison ministry—and as a reward you got a date two years later with a guard with job benefits. Do you know what that means?”
“If she doesn’t know then I certainly do,” Cill answered for Birdie. “That means that Birdie gonna be able to use some of those benefits when she marries that guard. She can get gold crowns placed on her teeth so that she’ll look like she belongs. And, of course, that will take care of that halitosis she got.”
Cill was proud of herself for taking the opportunity to throw that mention of bad breath into the mix. She could tell by the sneaky grins on the other women’s faces that she’d said what they’d been thinking.
At the mention of her having bad breath Birdie cupped her hands to her mouth and blew into them. She was stunned. No one had ever mentioned that she had bad breath. When people leaned away from her, she always felt it was because her essence was so overpowering and folks wanted to give her space. Now she knew, and the foul-odor truth was trapped in her hands, floating up her nostrils and momentarily making her dizzy. She clutched the end of the bookcase for balance and continued speaking with one hand covering her mouth as if she suddenly had a toothache.
“That’s not exactly what happened,” Birdie murmured into the palm of her hand. She didn’t want to take a chance of speaking too loudly and having more of her bad breath escape.
Mumbled or mangled, the words were clear to the others as the sudden, revised revelation spread around the room. In an instant, the women stopped their chatting and envying.
“If that’s ‘not exactly what happened,’” Cill asked as she slowly stood, “then what ‘exactly’ did? And you can remove your hand so we can hear you clearly. You can’t help your medical condition. Check out Mother Blister,” Cill continued. “Her breath can stop a Mack truck.”
Cill wanted to know the real story, so she decided to sacrifice Mother Blister’s reputation since the old woman had finally gone to the bathroom and couldn’t defend herself. “Go ahead and tell us what really happened.”
Birdie wasn’t sure if she believed Cill’s sudden interest and particularly the part about Mother Blister since she’d never smelled the old woman’s breath. But then again, she hadn’t smelled her own either. With her dignity hanging by a thread, Birdie continued explaining.
“Like I said, I was talking with one of the guards.” Birdie stopped. She was momentarily distracted by Mother Blister reentering the room and sitting down. “As I was saying, the guard only mentioned my outfit once as he wrote out my visitation pass. No doubt he knew class when he saw it.”
“We already know you went there to visit. So if you didn’t get a date with the guard, who was it?” Needy asked with a touch of agitation in her voice as she dismissed Birdie’s mention of class.
“It’s not that I couldn’t have had a date with a guard; but it was with a guy that was being processed for release,” Birdie replied almost apologetically. She let her head drop in shame.
“Say that again,” Petunia said, rising like a stalk of wheat from her seat. “You got us all riled up and hopeful and your date was with a man that was just getting out of jail?”
“It
