it off. It’ll just hang over me if I do.”
“The sword of Damocles,” she said with an understanding laugh. “And, listen, if you need someone to talk to, I’m always here.”
My throat constricted. Did I want someone to talk to? I never really talked about my fears or the things that had happened to me. I just wanted to put them all behind me where they couldn’t poison me anymore.
Besides, Colm and Deirdre knew nothing of the conspiracy. At least not yet. I sure as hell didn’t want to be the one who told them.
The rotten branch of the corrupt movement within the Guardians had been pruned away from Mac Tire. Now all that remained was the positive force of Councilor Etain Feehery. Not part of the underground movement, she’d been the one who decreed Colm and Deirdre should be kept in the dark, at least until Deirdre gave birth.
Everything was so tangled I couldn’t even talk about it without tripping if I tried.
That was Murphy’s problem too. He couldn’t talk to his Alphas about the loss of his father or best friend without going into the conspiracy angle. Fee was too close to it and she relied on him. Murphy constantly listened to her and took care of her and soothed her. He couldn’t then turn around and confide in her—she didn’t have the strength for it yet.
And he wouldn’t talk to me. At first Glenn’s and Paddy’s deaths had brought us together. We’d clung to each other until Fee and the others descended upon our apartment and infiltrated nearly every moment we had.
“This will be a good thing, Stanzie. You’ll see,” promised Deirdre. “We’d best go inside. Everyone’s waiting.” She dug a tissue from her pocket and held it out to Fee, who took it gratefully.
“I’ve been such a bitch,” Fee said after she’d blown her nose.
“You’ve had your reasons.” Deirdre extended her hand for help off the bench. Colm stepped forward, but Fee moved faster. Once Deirdre was standing, Fee wrapped her arm around her bond mate’s waist and they walked down the gravel path toward the castle.
Colm held out his gargantuan hand to me. Mine was dwarfed within it when his fingers closed. He drew me to my feet and kept hold of my hand, his fingers laced with mine.
“I always wanted to be Alpha,” he confided as we walked. “But I sure as shit never wanted to be Alpha in a situation like this. I miss Paddy, Stanzie. He was my little brother and I wish it could’ve been me instead of him to die bleeding on the ground the way he did.”
A groan of grief escaped me. I didn’t want to talk about Paddy. Especially when we were at the spot where he’d fallen. A glance down confirmed there was no blood—the gravel had been washed clean. But I still knew.
“Right here,” I said. Colm made me think of it, so now I’d share the wealth. I tugged him to a stop and he followed my gaze. “He fell right here.” The splash of water from the fountain beside us was gratingly loud. Stinging cold droplets sprayed over us, but we didn’t move.
“They say you stayed with him. Here, and in the ambulance. You even tried to go into surgery with him but they wouldn’t let you.” Colm’s voice was hushed, and I squeezed my eyes shut against the memory.
“He asked me to stay with him. I promised him I would. I broke the promise, Colm. They wouldn’t let me stay with him.” My voice wobbled and the next thing I knew, I was in Colm’s arms. He was so warm, I burrowed into him for comfort.
“No, you didn’t. Allerton told me Paddy was out of it by then. He never knew you weren’t there. But you were there when it counted.”
“Why me? It should have been Fee or you or somebody he loved.” Guilt choked me until I couldn’t breathe. Poor Paddy had been dying and all he’d had with him was me and Jason Allerton. Virtual strangers. A cold tear slid down my cheek.
“He loved you, woman,” Colm said harshly. “Didn’t he always brag about you when he’d had a few shots of whiskey?”
“Bragged? About what?”
“How brave you were at that tribunal. How clever you were to outfox that bastard Alpha. You saved that girl.”
“She died,” I said. “I didn’t save her, didn’t save him and I wasn’t clever, Colm. I was desperate and scared. He was the one who got me through that damn tribunal. He did.” Sobs overcame me again. Why did it still hurt so much? When would it stop? Why did I have to lose everyone who meant anything to me?
Colm rocked me, his face buried in my snarled hair.
“Will the pack bond make this better?” I asked. When I tilted my neck back so I could look up at his face, I discovered he was crying too. I brushed his tears away with my fingers. Alphas shouldn’t cry. I shouldn’t make them cry.
“I hope so,” he said forlornly. “Right now I feel like the shittiest Alpha that ever was, you know that?”
“You aren’t,” I said. “Don’t say that, Colm.”
A small smile tugged the corner of his mouth. “Worst one in the whole history of Mac Tire.”
“Bullshit,” I argued.
“Most people think of your Liam as their Alpha more than me. I’m a fucking afterthought to most of them.”
I shook my head.
“He was a fine Alpha in his time and he’ll be a better one with you by his side, but it’s my turn now. I think the pack bond will help me prove myself. I let Fee get away with putting it off and I shouldn’t have. Etain argued with me about it. Deirdre didn’t argue, but she was upset with me. All my people counseled against putting it off, but I have a soft spot for that woman. She was my brother’s bond mate.”
“She’s your bond mate,” I reminded him, and he snorted.
“I can barely handle Deirdre. Fee’s a fucking whirlwind, Stanzie. Always has been. Dancing around—Paddy’s the only one who could keep up with her. Well, Paddy and her brother. I’m putting a lot of hope into this damn pack bond, you know that? Because it’s a symbol. A starting point. We bonded at Paddy’s funeral, for Christ’s sake. Nobody sees me. I’m just filling in for him. But that’s not who I want to be. You understand?” He gave me a shake and I grabbed his elbows to steady myself.
“You and Liam could support us. You could try to do that.”
“We do,” I objected.
“You don’t,” he said. “You harbor Fee and her baby. You let the other members of this pack turn to you and don’t bring them to me and Deirdre. You and Liam walk into An Puca and everyone flocks around like you were rock stars. Deirdre and I could stand on the bar and shout for three hours before someone bothered to notice us and then it would only be to yell at us to shut the fuck up. You want to be the next Alphas, fine. Go for it. But, damn it, you give me and Deirdre our shot.” He shook me again, his brown eyes full of frustration.
“I’m so angry, Stanzie Newcastle. At you. At your feckin’ bond mate. At this situation. Something’s got to give.”
I bit my lip. A pack bond formed with an angry Alpha. An Alpha who was furious with me.
