speak of their weaknesses and failures?
•Are you sometimes too tired to keep running and too scared to stop?
•Are you reluctant to go to the doctor when you are not feeling well?
How did it go? If you answered yes to some of these questions, it could be that you are one of the many who find it difficult to admit their weaknesses. If so, would you allow the wisdom of the first step of the Twelve Step program to speak to you? It is a wisdom that comes directly from the pages of the Bible and can be summarized like this:
The first step toward change involves a courageous admission of our weaknesses.
When we cannot take this first step, we cut ourselves off from the experience of God’s power changing us from the inside out.
Let us, then, try to explore the subject of our weaknesses more deeply.
EXPLORING OUR WEAKNESSES
What do we mean when we speak of weaknesses? I have in mind those things that repeatedly defeat us, that spoil our lives and our relationships, that we cannot seem to fix in our own strength. Those things over which, in the words of the Twelve Step program, we seem to be powerless and that make our lives unmanageable. I will give some specific examples. Perhaps you will be able to identify these weaknesses in your own life.
First and foremost, there is the weakness of our will. There is little doubt in my mind that the human will is God’s most precious gift to us. It represents that deepest part of who we are, that inner place where all our choices and decisions are made. Yet, often our human will is also extremely limited. Just think of the many times you have resolved to do the right and good thing but have failed. Even one of the greatest spiritual giants struggled in this regard. “What I don’t understand about myself,” Paul wrote, “is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise” (Rom. 7:15, The Message). Does this dilemma ring a bell with your experience?
Second, there is the weakness of our addictive behavior. It is not only the alcoholic or drug abuser who is an addict. In one way or another, many of us struggle with some form of addictive behavior. Think of the various substances on which we can so easily become dependent. These range from the more pleasurable ones like caffeine, chocolate, and sweets, to the more dangerous like diet pills and tranquilizers. Other activities can take over our lives, like gambling, making money, work, helping others, physical exercise, watching pornography, or overeating, to name a few. Some people have become hooked on the Internet and on playing computer games.
You may resist the notion that you are an addict. If you do, there is a simple test to check whether you are hooked on a substance or activity. If you say to yourself, “I can handle it” or “I can do without it,” then go ahead and stop taking the substance or taking part in the activity. If you cannot, excuses or rationalizations will not change the fact that you are addicted.
Third, there is the weakness of habitual wrongdoing. Deep down we all know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad. Most of us will agree that it is better to give than to steal, to build than to destroy, to be faithful than to cheat. Yet we all know how easy it is for us to get caught up in actions that we know are wrong. These ways of behaving can sometimes bring us into bondage. Although we try to break away from them, we fail repeatedly, and often end up in a place of deep guilt and shame and despair.
Fourth, there is the weakness of negative feelings. By this I mean those destructive emotions that we would like to change but cannot. It could be a continual sense of worry, an overwhelming anxiety, a deep fearfulness. Or it might be powerful feelings of anger and aggression that cause us to explode, sometimes over something small and trivial. Perhaps one of the most damaging of all our feelings is resentment. Few things injure our emotional and physical health more than this one. No wonder in AA’s Big Book, resentment emerges as one of the main sources of futility and unhappiness.
PAINFUL CONSEQUENCES
A reluctance to admit our weaknesses has several painful consequences. On the one hand, we often find ourselves living a lie. We hide behind masks of competence and self-sufficiency and pretend we are OK. We become actors in the drama of our lives, playing roles far removed from who we really are. People around us, especially those nearest and dearest to us, feel we have put up a barrier and that they cannot reach us or get close to us. This can isolate us from real contact and openness with others. Always pretending to have it together makes for lonely living, which can be very painful indeed.
On the other hand, when they are not admitted, our weaknesses can become much more destructive. When, for example, we do not acknowledge the weakness of the human will, we could become even more entangled in conflicting desires and wants. Hidden addiction increases its vicelike grip. Concealed habitual wrongdoing causes increasing havoc in our lives and relationships. Suppressed negative feelings get stronger and more oppressive. Small wonder that those in the recovery movement remind us that we are as sick as our secrets. Unacknowledged weaknesses have a scary way of gradually taking over our lives, robbing us of joy and freedom and peace of mind.
However, there can be a positive side to these painful consequences. They can make us aware that we are often powerless to change ourselves and that we do not have all the power and self-control that we once thought we did. We are not always able, in our own strength and willpower, to fix everything that is broken in our lives. We are finite human beings with definite limitations who need a power from beyond ourselves to help us live freely and fully. In the end, it is often the pain caused by our divided human will, our addictions, our habitual wrongdoing, and our negative feelings that helps us make this important discovery and finally let go of our do-it-yourself recovery attempts.
You might be on the verge of discovering this for yourself. As you look back on a string of repeated attempts to change an area of personal weakness, all your efforts may seem to have been in vain. They have not brought the freedom and happiness that you have been looking for. You can see clearly that, when it comes to this particular struggle, you are not really in control. You are at a place where you are willing to acknowledge that your life has become unmanageable. If this describes where you are right now, perhaps you are ready to take the first step.
INTO ACTION
Admitting the reality of our weaknesses is the first and most important step on the journey toward change. Without it there can be little progress. This admission includes, as we have seen, facing up to our limited ability to change ourselves. Taking this step seldom comes easily. It requires great courage, humility, and honesty. And we will most likely have to take it more than once. We may never reach a point where we can say, “All my weaknesses are now behind me. I have finally arrived.” There are always weaknesses to be admitted. If we continue to be honest and real, we will never stop growing and changing.
If you feel you are ready to take this first step, try to be as specific as you can. Naming our weakness is a powerful act. It brings hidden struggles out into the open. It opens up a little daylight between them and ourselves. It connects us with those who battle in a similar way. Most importantly, putting our personal weakness into words by naming it indicates our willingness to accept that, if we are going to change in this area, we must look to a power greater than ourselves for help.
One way of taking this first step is to copy out the following statement on a piece of paper and then to complete it by filling in our name and area of personal weakness on the underlines.
I, __________, admit that I am powerless over and that my life has become unmanageable.
Sharing this statement with a trusted friend often brings a sense of greater realism to our desire for change.
