Difficult Conversations (HBR 20-Minute Manager Series). Harvard Business Review

Lack of trust

      Addressing a sensitive issue or working with someone on a contentious project is difficult, and it’s likely to be even harder if you don’t have a trusting relationship.

      People’s work styles often have an effect on their ability to build trust. If one person wants to carefully map out a detailed plan and the other wants to just get going on the project, it may be hard for them to connect. But small gestures of respect and concern for the other person’s approach go a long way toward bridging differences.

      There’s more to trust than compatible personalities or work styles, though. We typically feel more trusting toward people with whom we share common interests and experiences. Positive past interactions, such as being on a team that delivered a successful project, can build trust. But if past interactions have been tough, or if your counterpart is in a position of relative power, you’re more likely to be guarded. In addition, the specifics of your circumstance often dictate how trusting you feel (a board room presentation creates more formality and distance than a team lunch at a local café). And sometimes a situation just makes you feel vulnerable and thereby less likely to proactively address it.

Different views of the facts

      Each of us has our own understanding of the facts. Our view is based on what we’ve experienced and observed from our unique, and limited, perspective.

      If your job requires meeting weekly with a customer, your view of the essential facts of a project relate to deadlines made or missed. If your teammate is developing the product, her view of the essential facts relate to satisfying specifications or resolving bugs. You may well be unaware of what your counterpart’s view of the “facts” consists of. Without shared information, you may both draw conclusions about the other’s actions. Taking the time to think through your counterpart’s perspectives will help prepare you for a difficult conversation.

Strong emotions

      Your emotions are never far beneath the surface. Fear, anger, anxiety, and shame often underlie difficult conversations in the workplace. If you feel attacked, or if you feel that someone is trying to take advantage of you or sully your reputation, your natural response may be to fight back or to hide. Likewise, if you have to deliver bad news, such as a poor performance review or a missed deadline, you may warily anticipate the other person’s strong reaction. This fight or flight response prevents you from stepping back and responding to the perceived threat in a calm way. But when we become aware of what we’re feeling, we can start to manage those emotions. Likewise, when we think about how the other person’s feelings affect how she responds, we’re better equipped to take her feelings into account when proposing a productive way forward.

      . . .

      We’ve seen how varying interests, work styles, and views of the facts, as well as a lack of underlying trust, make it hard to communicate effectively. But the good news is that whether you’re a new manager, a member of a mission-critical team, or an independent consultant, it’s possible to make even a fraught relationship better through skillful communication. You’ll alleviate the likelihood for duplicated efforts or working at cross-purposes. You’ll be on the same page with your team and in front of your customers. You’ll boost your self-confidence.

      This book will be your guide. It will give you the tools to peel back and understand the complicated layers of difficult discussions and develop and practice the skills you need to manage them. In the next chapter, we’ll look at when to have a tough conversation and how to discover opportunities amidst the challenges. In the middle of the book, we’ll walk through the steps of shaping an effective conversation: thoroughly preparing for it, mindfully and adaptively conducting it—and, post-conversation, following through on next steps. Finally, we’ll look at how to develop proactive communication skills to forge transparent, productive relationships going forward. Along the way we’ll look at fictional examples of challenging interactions, assess what’s actually going on, and explore how to shift the dynamic—and the outcome—by successfully navigating a difficult conversation.