You’re a goddamn pick-up genius. So then what happened?”
“She asked if I wanted to come back to her place… Like she even had to ask. It was really cute. Turned out she lived just a few blocks away. She took off her heels and walked barefoot through the streets of West Hollywood. I was like, who is this chick? She seemed so confident and laid back, like she already had the world by the balls. Of course, I didn’t know she kinda did, yet. I just knew she had me by the balls. So we get to her place, and she basically pounces on me as soon as the door’s closed.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, here, it’s just… this story is a bit hard to swallow. Does this happen to you a lot? Stupidly hot girls throwing themselves at you? Or was she, like, blackout drunk?”
“Naw, look, I’m a lover, an actor, and a happy drunk, fortunately. I genuinely love people... Especially ladies. And I know how to be exactly who they want me to be. It’s like this weird gift that some actors have, this ability to be a perfect mirror to a situation.” He shrugged. “Not that I’m insincere. I just find that people, especially women, are comfortable with me a lot sooner than they’re comfortable with other people for no legit reason.”
“I’ve got to hang out with you more,” Matt said, surprised to find himself actually kind of in awe of a guest for the first time in his 348 shows. “So then, what? Did you tear the clothes off or did they come off slowly? Let’s hear the details.”
Gerard shook his head. He seemed to be fighting something in his head. Matt hoped he didn’t crumble just as it was getting good.
“Details, Gerard,” he urged. “We need a play-by-play.”
“She made a comment about her feet being dirty, so I volunteered to wash her feet in the bathtub for her.”
“You sly-ass fox.”
“She lit some candles in the bathroom, too, so it felt special. Even though I had no idea who Kristina was, she sure was sexy to the point of special sexy, you know? I was like, I have to do this right. I didn’t want to rush it. So I had her take her clothes off and get into the tub and I started washing her feet with this body scrub she had. She lay there with her eyes closed, like a cat getting its belly rubbed, all vulnerable and adorable. I can still see it so well, even though I was drunk. She looked so good she blazed herself into my very bad memory. And then I started rubbing the scrub on her legs, up her thighs, and she was, like, shivering in a good way, and it was… and she just… she…”
“What, Gerard? She what? For the love of God, continue.”
“She had the most tasty-looking body I’d ever seen.”
Matt flipped his hat backwards and licked his lips, barely able to contain himself.
“And did you taste it?”
Gerard took a slow sip of his tequila and smiled crookedly. Matt could tell that the kid was finally good and blazing drunk and wouldn’t hold back any longer. “I got in the tub and I tasted exactly every part of her body. I even remember licking behind her ears. I wanted to eat her whole, I swear. It was almost scary. She tasted… She tasted like sweet vanilla and bourbon. I mean, just the best that a human being can physically taste.”
“Killlll meeeee,” Matty moaned. “Sounds like absolute fucking heaven.”
“A part of me was terrified the entire time,” Gerard continued earnestly. “I have to admit that or I wouldn’t be doing her justice. I think us guys are all pretty scared when we have a woman allowing herself to be seen and touched like that. We’re like, who the hell are we to deserve this? I mean, do you know what I mean? Sometimes I wake up next to a beautiful naked woman and I just feel like a million bucks, like the biggest superhero in the world.”
“Wow. Gerard Vice, ladies and gentlemen. I’m just a little surprised, I have to admit, to hear you’re such a romantic,” Matt said, shaking his head. Jimmy mouthed so drunk at Matt from behind Gerard and they smirked at each other. “Didn’t you grow up beating off to endless porn, like the rest of your generation?”
“Nah, actually I didn’t mess with much porn. I had a fun girlfriend through most of high school. We usually got drunk and got creative, made our own porn that I beat off to, a lot. Even wanted to be a porn star for a while, haha.”
“I believe the story more, now.”
“I think my dad’s also to credit, here. He always told me most porn was like junk food; the more you watched, the shittier the health of your real sex life would be. He told me to use my imagination, avoid the crappy apps, and take my time. He said if I stayed away from what he called the ‘junkfood sexlife’ the best women would be able to tell. And I have to say, so far, it has pretty much proven true.”
“Sounds like a smart guy. Good man.”
“Sure was. To all his wives.”
That cracked Matt up. The actor kid was way more of a trip than he’d expected. He’d predicted just another shallow, drunken bro story. His phone was vibrating like crazy. He snuck a peek. It was Odessa. She liked to hit him up late night. She was a fun slice. They took turns badgering each other to hang out at odd hours. It was almost like they liked each other more the less the other tried, like it was some sort of competition to ward the other one off but neither of them would ever be turned off enough for it to actually end.
Matt hit the space bar and sat back. “Aaaaand that’s a wrap. Thanks. This one is going to break new ground, I can feel it.” He gave Gerard a high-five and a hug. “Great stuff, my man. By the way, how much of that was bullshit? Do you really not watch porn?”
“I do sometimes, and still make my own. But I’m on all the apps and I can’t say I don’t have a junkfood sexlife.”
Matt snorted. “Hard not to, in this age.”
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